|
Nerves. Are. Shot. (triggering maybe?)
I havent been on in a while. Which usually means things were going very well and now they are not.
So Over the summer i was assaulted by a police officer but the camera wasnt on, and since then everything seems to be going down hill.
An officer assaulted me, and then arrested me and said I had assaulted him. Went to court and everything is settled but now I am terrified of driving. especially to work. this happened while i was driving to work. I have flash backs, of the assault and the time I was in jail and un able to reach anyone to get help. I felt absolutely helpless. I have night mares about this. wake up crying quite a bit. Then I got a few speeding tickets but thats not a big stresser, it just set me back financially, which does happen to be a HUGE stress on me.
But I got promoted at work, which helped out with the stress over money a little bit. The issue is that the job I have now is insanely stressful. I feel like im walking on egg shells, Im scared if I do one little thing wrong Im a failure. and its not my boss putting the stress on me. He tells me constantly I am doing an awesome job, and I make more then almost everyone else with the same job title, even the ones who have been there longer. Im putting way too much pressure on myself. which triggered my eating disorder that I thought was in my past.
then my boyfriend went to china for two weeks, he is currently there now, and I am completely alone. for the first time in 7 years, i am sleeping alone, have no one to talk to about anything, have no one to comfort me or anything.
This is also the one year anniversary of a suicide attempt/last SI and the 3 year anniversary of a friends death.
Then today my brother tells me that my nephews mom is taking custody. she is a terrible person. always drugged out or drunk. and she doesnt take care of my nephew at all. he comes home dirty and bruised. but my brother cant afford to fight her. Just so you know my nephew has kind of been my reason for living....for like....the last 2 years or so. and now I feel like thats being ripped away. (forgot to mention, shes taking him to another state, kinda far from me. I will probably never see him again)
I dont have any close friends that I can talk to. We have all kind of grown apart, sad to say. and mostly because of me and my fear of getting close to anyone.
oh and a kid totaled my car passing in the oncoming traffic lane. my car was like my baby. I built her from the ground up over a 2 year period. (I am a girl and I love my car. yes.)
ive been dissociating, smokiing cigarettes and having anxiety attacks (all on my list of signs that im about to lose it). and my doctor keeps going on vacation and his nurse wont give me more anxiety meds til I see a therapist or talk to my doctor, who is out of town, but...I am about to lose my insurance, as soon as I move into my house next week. and I dont have alot of spare time, between working 45 hours a week and I have to do 50 hours of community service by 02/2011.
The only thing thats kept me going this long is my nephew and now hes gone and idk what to do. Ive been doing so good not hurting my self. before last year i had made it to 4 years. but I just feel like now, whats the point. i dont know if anyones been able to follow this and i doubt anyones going to respond, no one really knows me here anymore. but I just felt like maybe if i get this off my chest I would feel better. but I think i may just be too far gone. i just need to make it 6 more days and david, my fiancee wil be back in town and he can maybe help me calm down . but idk im just terrified.
|
