the monotony of homework, baths, bed, freaking holidays coming up...just everything.
i spoke to my social worker of how useless i feel due to being on disability. i never knew there were funds out there called "disability". i was put on it while in a hospital almost 7 years ago and im still on it.
i dont contribute to society like i want to. i feel like disability is for physically ill people not people like me. i was told its all legitimate but i dont feel it is.
my family doesnt help with those feelings. i hear from them alot that i should just get a job, stop taking hand outs. that makes me feel like utter ****.
i know right now that i couldnt hold down a job but it still doesnt stop me feeling that i should have one.
the tears are right behind my eyes but they wont fall.
i want to sleep but have been having nightmares lately so im kinda scared to even nap like i want to right now :(
but i know i have to change my attitude before Kaleb gets home. i cant let my illness affect him. i have to keep going. it sounds ridiculous that just the idea of helping with homework and dealing with him makes me feel so much pressure. it isnt always like this. but today feels especially hard.
i feel like a failure actually. i had so many plans and the years tend to just keep going and im standing still. physical problems dont help either.
i normally feel better in the fall and winter seasons and i hope it will be the same this year. i just feel so extremely bad right now and need "something" although i dont know what it is.
i wish my social worker was coming sooner. i know Kelly is tired of hearing me so i dont say much anymore.
i need someone to talk to besides driving my wife crazy.
i have 2 nodules behind my knee that i am terrified of. one has been there about a month and the other showed up about 2 weeks ago. they dont hurt but they are big and i already had the tumor removed from my breast 3 years ago and it was so scary until we found the results were benign.
i know my doc will want these removed for biopsy and i dread the whole thing. i will be seeing him in a couple weeks. my health is really getting me down....
I don't really know what to say that would count as 'wise' or helpful. What I do know and understand, as much as someone else can, is how awful the thought of doing ANYTHING is when you are horribly low and in some ways the fact it makes you feel awful makes your mood even worse and it can become almost a cycle. I am also much more irritable when I am feeling bad and stressed.
I also understand the feelings of not doing anything 'for society' because you are not working. You ARE helping raise Kaleb though, surely that is contributing to 'society' in some way? You are offering support to other people. I think that is contributing. Everyone goes through phases where they contribute more or less than they do at other times. It does not make you a failure...although I appreciate it does not always feel like that, especially when the people who are supposed to care about you and build you up the most i.e your family, are also reinforcing the negative thoughts about it.
When do you next see your social worker? Could you get your Drs appointment moved forward so that you are not worrying for so long?
One thing that did make me smile was in your first post though when you said 'I feel like harming to calm me down BUT I WON'T. Those last three words alone show that you have made progress Rach. You are getting stronger, even if it is hard and painful.
Could it be the time of year? Thanksgiving? A time for family and you are there with a family that isnt your own? That cant be easy. A physical illness ontop of a mental one sucks balls!
From memory i think this time of year is always hard for you and leading upto christmas too.
you need to concentrate on getting better. Just small steps. you may feel resentment at times regarding these things but infact they do keep you going. you probably thing eugh, if this is what i have to keep me going then whats the point. But it wont always be this hard.
you need to take a few steps back. Have some gentle time with yourself. Stop getting into pickles and difficult situations (you do draw yourself to them my dear *glares*), and have some you time.
If you give everyone your energy how on earth can you have any left for you? you will end up drained and useless while those around move on. just dont forget to give some back to yourself.
Love
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
rachie, aare you well enough to even do a couple of hours volunteering somewhere? maybe reading to a blind, elderly or incapacitated person. making tea/coffee at a soup kitchen type place.
something not too physical, but would maybe make you feel better, and hopefully feel valued - i think you really miss someone being really grateful for your contribution - no matter how big or small.
I'm grateful that your beauty contributes to the smile on my face :D
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
rachie, aare you well enough to even do a couple of hours volunteering somewhere? maybe reading to a blind, elderly or incapacitated person. making tea/coffee at a soup kitchen type place.
something not too physical, but would maybe make you feel better, and hopefully feel valued - i think you really miss someone being really grateful for your contribution - no matter how big or small.
I'm grateful that your beauty contributes to the smile on my face :D
Or massaging a poor old pengies sore limbs after a workout in the gym? :P
OI missy where are you and how are you?
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
i apologize for the possibility of this being very long!!
so sorry i havent been around in a while to respond.
things have been beyond crazy....
today my mother and grandma had to put a restraining order on my uncle. my grandma is heartbroken but it was for the best. he was bringing drug dealers to her house and now they know where she lives and they know she has money. plus she's 82 and they could break in and hurt her or take her things. anything could happen.
and tonight, my mom asked me to call my uncle. they wanted me to talk to him because the last time i did he went into rehab. he is addicted to crack cocaine.
ive been down so many addiction roads and have overcome so many so i do understand him. but at first i said no because i was so angry at what he is putting my grandma through. all the money she gives him goes to drugs, plus he has a temper when he doesnt have his drug, of course, and then he screams at my grandma.
anyhow, i thought about it for a while. and ive seen him sober many times and he has a heart of gold. its the damn drugs that make him so maniacal(is that a word?).
anyhow...i called...and unlike anyone else in my family, i dont attack him because obviously he will attack back. i was gentle but firm. we talked a while. i am a bit worried about the suicide thing for him. i asked him and he said he had no intention but that everyone has to go at some point.
i talked to my old sponsor and she gave me the website and number to a center that might suit my uncle. he's been through so many and relapsed over and over.
im so utterly torn between this. i love both my grandma and my uncle so much. they both need support. but ,my grandma has support from everyone else and he is left out to dry all by himself. so i do believe he needs me more right now. he asked for me to call and check on him and i will.
my mind is very loud tonight. im overwhelmed obviously. i need to concebtrate on myself, im well aware of that. i burned badly(second degree) a few weeks ago and am on antibiotics right now. and if im going to be honest, suicide has crossed my mind in fleeting moments, but i really havent had time to think about it much, which i suppose is good.
and through all of this i managed to get off the opiate pain killers!! yay :)
its been 2 weeks and i havent had any. i dont want anymore unless i have a very severe injury. the physical withdrawals are horrid. but they are over so its just dealing with the mental cravings and i havent actually had any which is AMAZING.
im feeling really exhausted all the time. my social worker is picking up on it. he told me i lokked "unusually disheveled" the last time he was here. and he was right. im so tired that i dont feel like fixing my hair or just making an effort. he will be here again day after tomorrow.
and Matt, you are right, this time of year is the worst for me. Thanksgiving without my family plus we arent celebrating Christmas until New year's day :(
ive been speaking with Keith regularly. last night was very disturbing. i was talking to him and my uncle passed by and asked him if he was listening to Justin Beiber and he said "no, im not a homo!!"....i could have just died. i was gentle but told him that wasnt a nice thing to say and that he shouldnt talk like that and he he said "i know"
and what blows my mind is that ive spoken to my aunt about he speaks about gay people in general. and her FREAKING response is that "well, all his friends talk that way"!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? lets go back to the old saying "if youre friends all went and jumped off a bridge, would you?" i just dont get it. they can justify him talking that way and still hold their heads high as supposed Christians. it makes me furious. it obviously hurts me personally because i have been with my wife for over 3 years now and i intend it to stay that way. and for my own child to gay bash like that is heartbreaking. jesus!!
sorry for all this but im manic and exhausted at the same time!! ughhh....i took melatonin hours ago and went to bed, and them BOOM...here comes a storm. i dont do well with storms, so here i am wondering if i should take more melatonin to help sleep? its a natural way to help with sleep and it works for me....i think i'll try...if it doesnt work...you ,may see me back again...
I take it with Melatonin helped since you have not been back? :)
YAY RACH FOR BEING OFF THE OPIATES!!!!!!!! That actually made me smile. It is Great! :D
The situation with your Uncle and Grandma sounds really difficult and stressful and I don't really have much experience with drug issues so can't offer any practical advice. I do believe though that you have made the right decision in trying to help him.........as long as YOU can cope with it and it is not going to put a pressure on you that you cannot deal with healthily.
Re Keith and the 'homo' comment, I kind of see both you and your Aunt's perspective. I don't agree with homophobia (hell, I rather enjoy switching sides every now and then myself :P) but I don't think statements like the one Keith made is necessarily a sign that he or his friends have a problem with Gay people either. I think phrases, rightly or wrongly get banded about and lose the original meaning behind them. I'm tired, sorry- I'm not explaining myself very well so will give up on that bit for now.
I hope the storm has passed you safely and well done once again! I think despite the burn a couple of weeks ago and the other stuff you are still doing really well.
yeah 'gay' and 'homo' rarely means homosexual, unless used in that context. one day, probably soon - he's at that kinda age, it will click for keith that mommy must be more than just friends with kelly.
*hugs* has your uncle had any kind of therapy like cbt? it maybe that ontop of any addictions he has triggers and turns to drugs for that, maybe with triggers resolved - or at least with different coping strategies in place, he could beat the addiction? you could maybe give him some ideas there rach, you've beated sh before, this could be seen as a different form of sh, addiction aside.
love you x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
i do know that my uncle has really serious depression. and i know he has issues, but everyone does. i know he turns to the drugs to hide from the world he has to live in, he has told me that before.
i just hope he will agree to give treatment another try. the poor guy has tried like 8 or 10 times. he's got to be exhausted.
but damn, im exhausted too and feeling depression creeping up behind me. i HATE that feeling where you KNOW its coming and you just wish it would quit f**king with you and lets "do the thang"!! so i can hurry and get through it. but oh no, it takes its sweet time creeping up on me. evil...evil..
i am having every emotion i can name besides happiness all at the same time. my head is spinning and i know im out of control.
tomorrow is thanksgiving and who do i have? Kelly and Kaleb. that should be good enough but we are missing our other son. MY son. my baby. my life source. my reason. my everything.
there are no sharp objects around and we dont have a gun so im **** on that end. im such an idiot. how on earth do i intend to help my uncle when im a ****ing mess?? i havent called to check on him yet and i cant right now. i'll lose it for sure.
my sister isnt allowing him at her house for Christmas, so i wont even get to see him. and when he finds out that he isnt allowed for christmas, i have no idea how he will react but it wont be NO GOOD.
i want the noise to stop in my head. i want the saddness to disappear from my heart. i want the anger to calm in my soul. but it doesnt. i continue to live, if only for my son.
I don't think you are disgusting. I think you are grieving for the moments you have missed out on with your beautiful son. You're hurting and because you already have so much to deal with everything feels unmanageable. I still believe you were very brave to try and help your Uncle and at the end of the day just because today you can't bring yourself to phone him, or maybe not even this week or month....the fact that you are trying will mean something to him. You are human hun, you have human restrictions on what you can and cannot cope with and that is Ok....it is 'normal'.
I know none of what I've just written takes away how awful you are feeling at the moment. I wish it could. I hope you manage to enjoy some part of thanksgiving. I'm thinking of you.
