ok... so... i've been thinking about writing here for days, i'm not good at writing about my problems but i don't have anyone to talk to either so i guess i have to hope to get some advice here...
well then.. where to start... from Aug 2009 to Aug 2010 i spent a year in New Zealand (Work and Travel). My (now) ex-boyfriend with whom i already had been together for more than 3 years couldn't come with me straight away but he spent almost 2 months there with me in dec/jan. He didn't wanna go back and he tried to sort out work and his flat which he had with one of my best mates but there was no chance for him to leave work for more than half a year... besides, my mate (his now ex flat mate) never ever would have been able to pay the rent on his own...
so, he had to go back at the end of january. 5 weeks later he told me there was another girl who he was looking after... i kept asking him since when she had been with him and what they had already been doing... i found out he met her about 2 weeks after he left NZ and pretty much since then they had been a couple it was just such a shock for me... not only 3 weeks before that he laid in my arms, crying because he had to go back and to leave me there... the worst thing was, my dad was at hospital at that time and i didn't know whether i'll see him again or not... my ex spent couple of days at the hospital and he tried to calm my dad down cause he thought he was gonna die and he would never see me again... 2 weeks later, my dad was still in hospital, i called my mum and told her what happened between me and my ex. when she told my dad, he collapsed, he couldn't beleave that my ex told him so goddamn lies (he pretended everything was ok and sh*t)....
well when i found out i didn't bother doing anything, i was thousands of kilometres away from home and i just wanted to be left alone with my ex and everything... i just tried to talk to my good mates, one of them was my ex's flat mate, the only thing he told me was to shut up o.O he was so cruel and the things he said to me are unexcusable...
The following content has been hidden - Reason : might be triggering... sexual...
he knew i was raped about 2 years ago and he knew how much i was struggling but i was on a good way back, my ex helped me a lot and the time we had together in new zealand was kind of a recovery for both of us... well when i tried to talk about the brake up with my ex, my mate just said "what the f*** do you want? he's a goddamn male, do you really think he could live without sex and stuff? just because YOU can't let things happen to you doesn't mean you have to involve other people with a healthy sex drive. you're not good enough for serious relationships..." it hit me... it really hit me. i still hear him saying it and it makes me sick. i was on a good way back... but he destroyed a lot with what he said...
after that, i broke ties to most of my friends... most of them wouldn't even keep in touch, i always had to call them, write texts, emails, ...
then, after months and months without keeping in touch, the one who said those things to me gave me a ring, in the middle of the night (it was about 3.30 and i shared my room with 4 others). He needed to talk about my ex, he said. I don't know why, i think i was really stupid that i really talked to him after all what he said to me... then he said he was sick of him, sick of his new girlfriend, sick of being alone because he never knew when my ex was home or not... sometimes he wasn't at home for three weeks and the worst thing was when i knew that my ex was in milano cause he wrote it in facebook. but he hadn't told his flat mate.. the things he told me then were just shocking... my ex told others i had an affair and that had been the reason why we broke up, i owed him money and the time with me in nz was not how he expected it... after that night, i wrote to some of my other friends of whom i hadn't heard for months... they told me pretty much the same things and that that was the reason why they had broken ties... i couldn't even say much, i just tried to tell them how it really was...
so - the relationship between my ex and his flat mate went really bad so my ex moved out and someone else moved in. his flat mate and i, our relationship got better again and he told me to meet up with him as soon as i was back home...
so that's what i tried to do... the very next day i was back home i went to his flat, i rang the bell and when he didn't open the door, i rang his landline. he answered, asked me if i was insane and that i should just f*ck off, he wasn't gonna let me in at that time of the day (it was about 9.30)... so - uhm, yeah, nicely welcomed after one year...
a few days later he wanted to talk with me about this "incident", he got really insulting and i thought "what a stupid prick" - he woke me up in the middle of the night a couple of times, knowing i had 4 other people in my room, just because he had to talk about my freaking ex. And when i wanna see him again after one year, he just tells me to leave cause he's still tired??!!
so... that was from january to august...
after that, i broke ties again, i didn't talk to him and to most of my friends at all... they all knew i was back but noone didn't even wanna see me o.O it was summer holidays so everyone had time...
at the end of august, my ex's best mate who is also a very good mate of his ex flat mate (that dumb*ss from above) texted me and asked if everything was ok and he would like to know what's going on with me, why i don't wanna spent my time with them and things like that... then he asked me if i ever had a f*ck buddy i asked him why he wanted to know that, he said.. "well, if you want... what about us?! you're single, i'm single.... you know..."
i thought he was insane, he's my ex's best mate and asks me something like that?? not only that, he hadn't gotten in touch with me the whole year and as soon as i'm back, he wants to have s*x with me...
so... in a very very weak moment i really met up with him. we first just talked, we talked a lot. i told him all the things about my ex i still had inside my head and what i hadn't talked about yet... he told me he was always against my ex's new relationship as his new girlfriend is his (my ex's best mate) cousin and he knew exactly how she was like and apparently he was the only one who knew what kind of lies my ex told about me. he said he hated his cousin (the new girlfriend) and that he hadn't kept in touch with them since the brake-up with me... so for some reason, i really trusted him. we talked for hours and he really gave me a real safe feeling. he knew what happened to me, he knew i SI'd and he was really nice to me... so... well yeah, we had s*x...
three days later there was the wedding of two close friends of all of us... my ex and i were supposed to be their witnesses but when he broke up i was told that her sister would love to be witness...
so he was still witness, i was just there... his new girlfriend was líke "oh, i'm SO cool i'm HIS girlfriend", she was just ugly and disgusting... but the worst thing for me was her cousin, his best mate, the one i slept with... he kept hanging aroung with them, he kept calling her "oooh, my lovely cousin, best girl ever" and so on. i felt so... i don't know... it hurt... not that fact that he liked her, but that he just lied to me and i really had the feeling he said those things to me to get me to sleep with him...
i broke ties again...
a few weeks later i went to a house party to people i hadn't seen since i was home. i was ok with the people there, for some reason most of them knew what happened between my ex, his ex flat mate and me... they just didn't know what was wrong with me and my ex's best mate.. cause i was never somewhere where i knew he was as well.
so i went to this party with one of the last people i really can call "friend". i drove so he could get drunk if he wanted. his brother-in-law (he married my mates sister only in july) was there as well. i always liked him and i would have loved to be at the wedding but i was still in nz. so we talked a lot, he was pretty funny and later that night, he told me his view of the situation concerning my ex and all the others. i was stunned because he seemed to knew how it really was but he hadn't talked to anyone about it... when my mate and i were going to go, he asked me if i could give him a ride home too. i was ok with it so i first brought my mate home and then him.
when we were at his house, he started to kiss me. and touched me. i didn't like it, he noticed it. he said sorry. then he started to talk about my ex again. he wanted to know why i get so angry when someone mentions him and his ex flat mate. we talked so much about it already, so i went with him inside the house and told him what i needed to tell someone (the things about "you're not good enough..."). so then... he put his arms around me to solace me... then he started kissing again... he just wanted to share a bit warmth, and wanted to show me that not all men are like him. i freaked out. i was so angry. i was married only a few months and then he tries to get me to do the same he just should to with his wife???
i went home then... well, no... i had to calm down, i was driving around for ages...
that was the final thing... for me... i didn't wanna have anything to do with them anymore.
good thing was, i had a job at that time (for 9 weeks in a filtration factory during uni holidays) and could pretend i didn't have time or was too tired after work to do anything.
2 weeks ago, there was another house party at another mates place. i didn't even go there, i was at one of the guys from work who is really nice
the next day my ex texted me why i wasn't there cause it would have been a good time to clarify some things between us and his ex flat mate... i knew from to others that his new girlfriend wasn't going to come because of me (she called me her "very best friend", ironically of course) but when i wasn't there, my ex went back home to get her. later, she asked his ex flat mate why he doesn't keep in touch.i don't know exactly what happened but i know from different people that they were just talking about me and told me a liar and apparently i told his ex flat mate lies and that was why he didn't wanna keep in touch. which is b*llsh*t, after all i don't want anything to do with both of them, not after all what happened. my ex reproached me with things i NEVER EVER said about him and i was shocked what they thought about me...
gosh... it's so much... it's still not everything but it's all so messed up and it really hurts to think and write about it. i hope it makes sense and it's not too confusing...
i think i had to write it down to sort it out in my head... i've never talked about it, noone knows what happened between my ex's best mate and me nor between my other mates brother-in-law and me. noone knows about the things my ex's flat mate said to me. noone knows what happened to me and what i did to myself except my ex, his ex flat mate, his best mate, his girlfriend and that brother-in-law...
i don't know what to do... i need someone to talk to. i need to know what to do. i'm thinking about telling my ex about his best mate and me. but what about my other mates brother-in-law? i feel so disgusting about it... he's married and tried... uh well...
is there anyone who can tell my anything? is there anyone who read the whole story at all? if yes, thank you so much...
EDIT: well... i'm not used to write about things like that in english, it's not my first language... gosh i hope i didn't make too many mistakes and comprehensible... lol i'm dumb ^^
It sounds like a pretty horrible time and you're not sure who you can trust. Talking about it could help, is there a counsellor you could see? Writing it down is a good start though, I hope it's helped to clear your head.
PS This should probably be in Vets Support not General - you might get a better response if you move it there
i wasn't sure if i should write this in here or in Vets Support but it seems i decided for the wrong one lol ^^
how can i move it there?
i just remembered a few more things.. but maybe it's not in the right forum for that...
i used to be in therapy but i had to stop counselling when i left home and i haven't been able to get a new appointment so far... and well - there's noone i could talk to, pretty much everyone is involved -.-
i'm trying to get an appointment, but i'm from a small city and getting into therapy here is really hard. i've still got some sessions left with my counsellor i used to be at before i went to nz but he hasn't got any appointments at the moment... i tried to get someone new but they are from other towns and they have waiting lists over the next 4 months... anyway, it would mean i have to tell the whole story again and i'd rather stay at the one who already knows the important background stuff you know...
ok so... i remembered a few more things which really screwed me up - not only what happened but also my friends' reactions...
so firstly, the incident...
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering - drugs and abuse(?!)...
ok so... when i lived in NZ i did some really stupid things... i spent most of the time with other backpackers and we all met loads of kiwis through work and parties and other occasions... i think it's not really a secret that a lot of people (both foreigners and new zealanders) do drugs there and being a backpacker, well, noone is really interested in what you do as long as you don't act really dumb... so it's easy to get whatever you want. like: walk with your backpack through the town center and you WILL be asked if you need something - anything... i'm NOT the sort of person who usually consumes drugs but there was a time when i thought "oh f*ck it... i'm at the other side of the world, noone is ever going to find out, so let's have some fun with the others" stupid, i know... i don't need any words on this topic here...
ok.. so.. there are always people in hostels you rather spent your time with than with others. for me, it was some guys from work and sometimes we just walked through the whole town to the beach, drinking a few beers and smoking pot. i never got too wasted, i always was the one who didn't feel drugged up most of the time... but there was one night... one of our last days at work and the people from my backpackers and I and our kiwi co workers and supervisors decided to have one last big party in the middle of nowhere close to the vineyards we used to work day after day. it was a huge party, they organised port-a-loos (i think that's the name of the brand lol - those portable loos which are really disgusting and stink...), music (we had a band there), we had a huge BBQ, hundreds of liters of alcohol and other sh*t... all in all, it was just THE party night... it all started really good, we tramped there, were already getting drunk and it was just an awesome atmosphere. i decided not to get high that night, because it just makes me tired and sick sometimes.
i spent most of the time with two kiwis from work and three guys from my hostel, we were just laying in the grass, drinking, taking stupid photos and watching the stars... the others were smoking pot and they kept trying to make me do it as well but i told them i didn't want to. when they got really annoyed and i got really angry and p*ssed off they seemed to have realised they should stop asking me. they said sorry, we got up and had some more beers and something to eat... and from that time on, i can't remember much. i remember having two or three cup cakes and two cocktails which i was given by one of the kiwis from work. i got quite tired and really drunk from one second to another - i thought it was just the alcohol but later i was told those last two cocktails were non-alcoholic. i got sick, i went to the back of yard and tried to get some sleep (it was high summer and really really warm).
i can't really recall what happened then, i remember bits of it, like that i woke up once and there were the guys i hung around with before... from time to time i had the feeling they were shaking me but i can't remember waking up or doing anything, it was like being really knocked out but still being able to hear things, but at the same time i couldn't classify it... the next day, i woke up at about 7 pm (!!!) and felt horrible. i don't know how i got back home, i assume i walked the 10km but i'm not sure. back in the backpackers, i realised i had my underwear worn inside out and my bra was closed not how i usually do it... i had a shower - really long, 3 or 4 hours maybe?!
so... i can't say what happened, i was disoriented for the next three or four days, all of a sudden i fell asleep sometimes, and i was wound, on parts of me i shouldn't have had any bruises... i think i know what happened, but i can't remember anything and it really screws me up... sorry for the details, i just had to get it out...
well... after the first week after that night, i just shut down. i tried not to think about what happened, well, i couldn't remember much anyway and i was ok with it. to be honest, i was glad i didn't know what happened. i could pretend nothing happened and i was just drunk and got sick and sh*t, you know... oh well... i'm pretty good in suppressing thoughts and moods and everything, yeah...
but after quite a while, when i moved on and a lot of things changed, i was doing drugs quite frequently to that time, one of my mates (my ex's ex flat mate ) asked what the hell happened to me, he said i was strange, i changed a lot and i told him, well, i'm single, i'm moving on, i've got my time here... we talked for quite a while, maybe 3 hours on the phone, then another 8 hours in msn... it was very private, he asked me how things were going and he even asked me how i got along with my past
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger
when i was raped, which was more than 2 years ago and i SI'd and was on anti depressants
and i decided to tell him about that night... i didn't expect him to say anything, well, maybe just something nice... but he was so cruel...
he said things like "just because your ex broke up with you, you don't have to make up a story to be interesting so we are sorry for you" and "that can't be true, noone would have stayed there for much longer" or "why the f*ck are you so attention seeking? it's annoying!!!" and things which are worse and i find too embarrassing to write here...
he was the one who asked me first and i thought he was just interested in me but it was just wrong...
it was just such a shock for me... not only 3 weeks before that he laid in my arms, crying because he had to go back and to leave me there... the worst thing was, my dad was at hospital at that time and i didn't know whether i'll see him again or not... my ex spent couple of days at the hospital and he tried to calm my dad down cause he thought he was gonna die and he would never see me again... 2 weeks later, my dad was still in hospital, i called my mum and told her what happened between me and my ex. when she told my dad, he collapsed, he couldn't beleave that my ex told him so goddamn lies (he pretended everything was ok and sh*t)....
it hit me... it really hit me. i still hear him saying it and it makes me sick. i was on a good way back... but he destroyed a lot with what he said...
i asked him why he wanted to know that, he said.. "well, if you want... what about us?! you're single, i'm single.... you know..."
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