I'm not really sure what i want from this...... It's not that i want people to feel sorry for me or say nice things about me. I guess i just need a swift kick in the butt and for someone to tell me to get over myself already. It's fall and like so many years before this my fall depression has set in. I saw my alcohol counsellor some two weeks ago and as i walked out of her office it was like something broke inside me. Like a piece of my heart died..... And i gave up. I just gave up. I have been drinking every ****ing night since that day. I have tried to talk but it's like the words won't come out. I don't know what happened that day but it felt like i lost hope.
I went home and cried. Alcohol doesn't seem to help with all this crying and yet i still drink. I also cut. I'm so tired and i feel so hopeless. It's my birthday on sunday and i turn 29..... 29 years in this inexplicable hell. 29 years and so few of them were happy. I am tired and i feel too old for my age. I feel like i've lived 80 years instead of 29. And i'm so tired. And i ask myself if it's worth it to keep going for 29 more years *sheds a tear*
I'm so desperate...... I'm so desperate to break free from my own personal hell. I have been ill my entire life, i have never known what it is to be normal. I have so many secrets and they are so heavy to bear alone. I have some horrible secrets that i can never tell anyone and they trap me inside myself. I can't talk to anyone. The defenses go right up when i try and i just end up mumbling something about recurrent depression.
I just feel so empty inside. I feel so small and stupid. I have lost the will to try and change my life. I haven't been to the gym in a week. I have been drinking myself senseless every night. I have postponed improtant things and i haven't been able to keep my flat clean. I haven't been able to cook proper meals. I have nightmares every night due to the drinking. I've spent way too much money. Basically, all my major problems have turned 10 times worse. But the worst thing is, i don't even care.... I'm too tired to care. I sceretly hope for a superhero to fly in here and save me from myself. But there are no superheroes. There are no right words. I have to do it myself.
I know i can get out of this rut. But i was never good at asking for help and when someone asks what they can do to help me i just kinda.... sit there and stare out into space. I don't know what they can do. I hate it when people look at me and say "Awww, you poor thing...." Don't ****ing pity me!!!!! It just alienates me even more. I feel like a puppy that has bit its own tail when people pity me. I hate it.
I feel so alone. I have friends. I have my family. There's nothing worse than feeling lonely in a room full of friends and smiles. I try. To smile. But i can't. And i don't even want to. I don't know what i want. To not feel so empty and hopeless. To not feel like a failure. But i am. And right now i can't help wondering if this is how i'll be living the rest of my life. With many defeats and no success. And people say i'm smart. Lots of people say i'm the smartest person they know. But how can i be so smart and so stupid at the same time??????
Do you think there is hope??? Even for someone like me????? Because i feel like i never stood a chance.....
Of course there is hope, you are special and you deserve to be living. You need to start believing in yourself, no matter how much support you have around you and no matter how many times people tell you you are smart you are never going to get anywhere unless you start believing it yourself. Just a little bit, just enough to think 'i can do this and i am gonna do this'. People care about you. No one else can control how you feel, you're the only one who can do that.
Would it help if you wrote everything down, all of it about how you're feeling, it always seems to help me a bit.
You're strong, you've got this far, you need to try and keep fighting it. One step at a time!
Actuall Kat, i think a kick in the butt is the last thing you need now. I think what you need is what you despise the most, and thats cuddles and compassion and just someone to tell you its gonna be ok.
If you dont like yourself then its hard to accept kindness, because why in gods name would anyone want to be kind to something so **** and useless. And so the internal civil war rages on.
I think you have a right to throw a pity party; throw in some balloons too!
Finally you can be intellectually smart but emotionally retarded. If compassion towards ourselves were measured in smartness-then welcome to Remember Your Labotomy! We'd all be sat dribbling, licking the walls and rocking gently.
You need Kindness not Kicks!
silly Danish Pastry!
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~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Darlin you CAN tell people. No matter how awful you think something is, there will always be someone who can listen. If you don't feel you can speak, then write. But you CAN do it. Honey you are here! I love you heaps and I have faith in you! *cuddles*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
There isn't anything worse than being surrounded by love and not being able to feel it. It is an incrediably isolating and desperate situation. I could relate to an awful lot in your post. There have been many occasions where it has gotten to much and i have become too tired and i've just given up.
I get the juxtaposition of wanting to be out of the pain and be happy but not having the energy to care and giving up out of pure despair.
Why do you find it hard to talk about your secrets? I can understand physically not being able to talk, and I understand the shame of not being able to speak up....and maybe you are scared about being judged? I'm not sure, i'm going on what I feel sometimes tbh.....But I wonder if you have someone you see often who you can build your trust in...and who eventually you can share yourself with? With my therapist I am slowly building trust in her, I still can't tell everything but it is helpful knowing there is a space for me to say as much or as little as I want/need.
I understand those feeling of regret about not having a 'normal' life. I wish it only took logic and a bit of intelligence but unfortunately, maybe, sometimes our logic and intelligence acts as a defense mechanism? Sometimes it is easier to describe feelings with lots of words rather than just feel them. I like to rationalise stuff but emotions (well certainly mine!) can't be rationalised sometimes.
Maybe the way forward is too feel rather than push through or avoid with alcohol? I know how utterly hard that is, sometimes I keep pushing/avoid because I can't imagine being able to continue if I felt. Sorry i'm not much help, just wanted to post to say I relate and it is really tough.
Thank you all very much for your kind and thoughtful replies. I'm sorry it has taken me a while to get back to this but i got so lucky to get a stomach flu that made me very tired and drained out.
It helped a bit today to be back in school after a week off. I also treated myself to a piercing since it was my birthday yesterday. I had a really good talk with my piercer ( i know, that sounds weird, lol) and a good talk with my classmate. I told them both about my illness (the piercer saw my scars) and they reacted very well. I always get a bit anxious when i tell people of my illness that they get scared of me and such. But for the past many times i've had this conversation people have reacted very well. I suppose it's also because in spite of scars and everything i am actually quite normal most of the time.
It feels like a relief when things get out in the open. I don't mind talking about it or people asking questions. I'm fairly open about the shcizophrenia, i just don't tell people right away because i want them to get to know me first.
I really appreciate your replies and they have given me something to think about so thank you for that.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I understand that feeling, of getting into a rut and not being able to push through it even though you know you are harming yourself more. That horrible feeling of knowing what you are doing is hurting you but getting locked into it anyway. From what you've said, it sounds like you're a survivor- you've obviously dealt with a lot and been able to overcome it even when it's been hellish and horrible. That might sound like stating the obvious but sometimes when you're feeling bad and blameful, it's important to be told that there are positives- that you've done something right. Still though, you shouldn't *have* to keep overcoming this alone... it might take time but if there's someone you can trust, maybe there are things you need to say.
Thank you for the hugs and replies. They really mean a lot to me.
Sometimes it feels like i have tried so hard but in the end it was all for nothing. I know i have made great progress but i can't help wonder if there even is any more room for improvement. I know with the schizophrenia it's about living a life of compromises, realising there are things you just can't do and then try to come to peace with that. It makes me angry though. It makes me so ****ing angry.
Sometimes i just feel like i'm less worth than everyone else because i'm ill. Because i have been broken and will never be the same girl again. I have this really tiresome problem that i want to prove myself worthy of life. I want to be the best in class. And then people expect things of me and then i resent them because i feel i'll never meet their expectations.
I get high grades at exams but it's never good enough for me. I have friends but i still feel alone. Sometimes i wish you could extract some of my feelings and put them into other people so they could understand how i feel, Maybe then i wouldn't feel so alone in my own private hell.
I get tired. Og always having to fight myself, of always having to doubt everything i do or say. So i drink to get some peace and quiet in my head. To drown out the voices. I just thought about this the other day and it occured to me that when i stopped cutting like i used to, i started drinking. It seems one bad coping mechanism has replaced the other.
Sometimes i want to do the really hard drugs. I want to try smack and coke. I want to allow myself to crumble under drug abuse, to destroy my body and mind who have betrayed me so much. To live a life where i'm always aiming for the perfect high. BUt i can't. I can't do that to everyone who cares about me. So i settle for the cheap red wine while i try to convince myself that i have my addiction under total control.
I have failed, haven't i???? I'm just a ****ing drunk. A ****ing dual diagnosis. I'm the kind of person most people despise. I was stupid enough to get myself into this mess and now i can't find my way out. I have all good intentions but when the night lingers i break down in fear and panic and rush to the grocery store. I'm a ****ing loser, that's what i am
No, Kat, not a loser at all.
You ARE trying. Seeing that couns. is proof of that.
I know it's hard and seems pointless and it's easy to just hate.
But, I've seen you get out of much worse; you are a fighter. I know you're tired tho, tired of all the fighting. Have you told anyone how you are feeling right now?
