Positive recovery post - I made the first step today *graphic/SI*

[Retrosimplicity]

I slipped about a month ago. To the point of withdrawing and having to cut nearly every day. It slipped from thighs, to breasts, to my stomach (which I burn) then my arms. It been leaving me trapped and miserable as it's became my life again. Really disappointing after being what seemed like set free. I'm sure many of you can relate.

Well two days ago was my breaking point. I dissociated; on the inside of my right arm I flung my razor deep and felt nothing at all, and stared to a huge, wide mouth with blood flowing. I wrapped in a tee shirt, let it soak and when it finally clotted I saw some weird type of tissue. My muscle.

Well yesterday I kept looking at it. I hand no bandage which was terrible. I didn't call 911 as honestly, I'm not ready to go to the mental hospital this time around. So no stitches. I was scared.... and then I made more deep cuts on my left arm. And that wasn't enough so I made more, which were all chicken scratches on purpose so I wouldn't get anymore muscle tissue sticking out.

And then I just broke down crying. What is wrong with me? Why am I causing pain to myself when I'm drowning it out to begin with? I need to be more open. I talked to my grandma about this. Showed her my arms. And it's crazy. Because the first time I wanted to stop, I realize I really didn't. And to know how truly awful this is making me life, to have it interfere and for once actually want to stop because I believe I can, not just for other people, it's like a whole new world.

I guess just realizing the control I was gaining was something I had no control over at all. To see a cut that huge on my body, it really changed everything.

What made you truly want to stop?

[Zurg]

The same thing as you. I cut too deep one night. I was hysteric and i wanted to hurt myself and i underestimated the sharpness of my knife. And for the first time ever, i panicked.

A supportworker came to my flat and helped me get to hospital. I cried and cried and i was so scared...... When i arrived at A&E they realised i was in a bad shape so i was taken in straight away.

I realised that night that if continued down this path i would die from it sooner rather than later. I had lost control. And i told myself that i didn't want to die from cutting. It had stolen so much from me already and i didn't wanna lose my life to it as well.

It's hard. It's bloody hard. And i still slip up. But i have managed to stay on the path towards recovery. What happened that night made me see that i wasn't in control anymore and it made me see, through the eyes of others, what i was actually doing to myself.

[ColourExplosion]

*hugs the people in this thread*

I wouldn't say I'm completely recovered, I'm far from, but for me I realised I didn't really want to be controlled anymore. I want to go to university, meet new people and just have fun. I've started wearing short sleeves to college too, which I never did before. I realised that I miss wearing short sleeves, and I like the freedom of it, and I don't want to give myself a reason to have to stop wearing them again!

Cheryl x