I cut myself today. Just couldn't take it anymore. All of my friends are too busy (one friend finally got internet in her house, another got an iPod Touch, so they're too happy to talk about me. If I'd call them it would be like last night: they would just say how happy they are, which only makes me feel more and more alone), I'm alone in the house and everything just seems so bad. I tried not to do it. But nothing worked.. I feel like crap for cutting. I've gone 20 days without it.
About a week ago, when I tried to do it, it didn't work.. Today it did. Well it was kinda weird, because one second I wanted it, the next I didn't... And yet I still SH'd.
I feel so alone. The voice in my head that tells me how ugly I am and that I'm an idiot, that the world is better off without me and stuff like that is gone now because I cut, but it's gonna come back and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Talking to people helps, but right now I have absolutely no one to talk to.
I'm just posting to get some support, I could really use a hug...
aww, the only thing i can say is, the same thing happened to me!!!!!
But right now its about you.
Dont feel alone, there is always someone out there who wants to keep you company, i know i do.
Dont ever let yourself think your ugly or anything close to it because your not. Your beautiful. It may sound cliche to say this but, everybody is beautiful. Inside is what matters the most.
Its ok if you slip up, everybody does, as long as you try again and put your all at not doing it again, that is what really matters.
next time your sad or sensing negative emotions and you feel like your alone, dont. Even if you dont know me, ill try my hardest to be there for you.
Now lets both go slap self abuse in the face!!!!!!
you're not alone, even when you feel like you are. theres always someone whos been through something similar and people who will empathize.
do you think next time you get triggered you could try and do something to slow yourself down, so that you're on the not wanting to cut feeling when you want to (that probably didn't make sense).... i guess, is there a way to prolong the feeling of not wanting to do it? maybe writing, or making yourself wait a bit, or any other distraction that works
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Hi there. Don't be too hard on yourself for slipping up, it's part of recovery. Are you able to identify what makes you feel you need to cut? Understanding the underlying feelings might help you stop yourself before you actually cut. Do you have distraction techniques? Take care xxx
I was feeling like that because I was alone in the house, and everyone was just to busy to talk and I was feeling horrible, ugly and just hopeless... and the thing that my mom found out I self harm by tricking me into thinking she read my diary, which was such an obvious lie, but that second I believed her and now I feel like such an idiot. I lied to her too, I said I haven't cut for 2 months. It's only been 20 (or 21?) days. But I just can't forgive myself for falling into that trap. I always call myself stupid, worthless, ugly, moron, coward and things like that in my mind.. it's like I'm emotionally abusing myself? If that makes sense. And cutting stops that for a little while. Everything else I seem to be able to cope with, except that. It's like I'm afraid of it. Afraid of my own mind. Sometimes it doesn't really seem like it's MY mind.
I probably sound crazy. But I really need to find a way to make that voice shut up. Or just speak less. Or something.
You don't sound crazy. It sounds like those negative self-critical thoughts are overwhelming you, and the cutting eases your mind? I can relate, and I'm sure many others who self-harm can.
You mentioned stopping for 20 days. How were you able to keep those overwhelming thoughts at bay? If you feel like that when you're alone in your house is there anyone you could ring? You wouldn't necessarily have to chat about how you're feeling, you could just use the phone call as a distraction from your thoughts and so you didn't feel so alone. Do you know any helplines?
Something which helps me is to listen to really loud music and keep myself away from what I use to cut myself. Just staying the hell away from it. The music can envelop those negative thoughts and keep them at bay, I've found, anyway. Or maybe filling a hot water bottle and hugging it until you've calmed yourself.
For long-term help you could go see your doctor. If you don't want to tell them you self-harm you could just tell them about the thoughts and feelings that lead you to it. They should then be able to refer you for counselling if that is suitable.
Last edited by Carrina : 26-10-2010 at 09:28 PM.
Reason: spelling mistake
Don't be so hard on yourself. Slipping up is part of recovery. We all make mistakes; it's part of being human. 20 days without self-harm is awesome! You should feel really proud of yourself.
Whenever you feel the urge to cut, you could go for a walk or a run, read, knit or crochet, bake, write. I also agree with what Carrina said about staying away from whatever you use to self-harm.
That voice that is telling you all those awful things about yourself is lying. PLease try not to listen to it. I'm sorry you cut but hope you're feeling a bit better by now? I hate being alone too.
Don't be too hard on yourself for slipping up, sweetie. It really is part of recovery and happens to everybody, no matter how alone you feel afterwards.
I'm glad that you're feeling better now and please remember that that voice is lying to you. You are not ugly or useless at all. I know that it's hard to ignore the voice telling you those things, but keep on trying, you will be able to beat it one day
*hugs*
Take care
No probs, happy to help.
