Putting Off Returning to Study - Mentions Self Harm/ED

Proioxis · 25-10-2010, 07:09 PM

Hi, I am new here and I'm sorry to start a thread asking for advice/ support so soon, but there is an issue that I have been really struggling with lately and although I don't want you to tell me what to do, I guess I'd just like to get off my chest how much this decision is upsetting me.

Basically I am meant to be studying for a MSc at the moment. It is an MSc by research and involves three projects, two of which I have completed and one of which I need to complete that lasts 5 months. I took time out because my Bulimia got so bad I was finding it impossible to study at all. In addition, I was fairly piling on the weight and this led to me feeling hopeless and my self harm escalated. Neither of these two issues have really been resolved in the 7 months I have taken out of this MSc, and I am supposed to be starting back on the 1st of November.

In some ways, I am in an even worse state than when I left. I have put on a very significant amount of weight (that is not my ED mind talking either, I know I can't give numbers but my doctor from warning me about being under weight has now started telling me I need to lose weight). I am still self-harming and the Bulimia is not letting me out of its grasp. Because I have put on weight, I don't want to face the people I left at a low weight and this is leading to more binging to block it out and more purging.

However, not going back would probably involve pissing off a whole load of people. I originally took 5 months off, then extended it by 2 months and now if I extend it again it will look really bad, like I am never going to return. Also, because it is research, it isn't like the field will just stand still while my life does, advances will be made and we may miss out on opportunities due to me. I guess I just feel so pathetic, and I imagine thats how others view me. Why the hell can't I get my act together.

Part of me says, go back, face it and it might not be so bad. You will motivate yourself to lose weight, get your life back on track and never look back. Then, a more realistic part remembers how awful it was when I was trying to work. Screwing up experiments because all I could think about was food. Locking myself in the toilets so I could hyperventilate in peace. Losing control at buffets and being aware people were watching me, but unable to stop. And eventually running home and leaving my parents to sort it all out because I couldn't take it. I am 22 for gods sake, and my Dad had to sort it out. That makes me feel so, so ashamed.

I am just so scared. I know this may not sound like a big deal, but to me it is my whole life at the moment. I don't even know if I like the subject I am studying, and I have problems with relationships and interactions that are really, really taking shape with my supervisor. I am too scared to read his e-mails in case they are angry with me, and have to get others to "screen" any e-mails I send him because, well because I am scared parts of my personality I dislike might seep into them.

Argh, I can't even work out why this is screwing me up so much. I just feel like my whole life is falling apart and this is symbolic of that. Nothing gives me pleasure any more.

Zurg · 25-10-2010, 07:54 PM

I once made a huge mistake. I went back to uni after taking a year off but i was still very ill. I lasted all of 3 weeks. Then i handed in my resignation paper.... I felt awful, it was such a huge defeat.

What i'm trying to say is that there are things that are more important than finishing on time or pursuing something because you feel obliged to. Of course you might surprise us all and go back and excell and become well too. But i'm guessing this won't be the case if you're already doubting yourself so much.

I know it's a hard decsion and i know that if you decide not to go back then it might feel like a defeat and you might even feel like a failure. But i am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything and there will be a time and place for you to finish this when it feels right and when you're able to cope with this pressure.

7 months to get better.... Not a long time in my opinion when you consider the struggles you've been facing. It would have taken a miracle.

I am also one of those people who believe you should put things on hold while trying to recover and focus as much on your recovery as possible. You're 22, barely an adult, and if you want to enjoy the rest of your life my advice will be to work hard and focus on getting better. Let the other things rest for a while. School will always be there. I'm almost 29 and i still have a while to go before i'm ready to get an education. And i'm an old fart compared to you

Not going back isn't the end of the world. It's hard and it sucks but you'll get back into business some day. I just get the feeling from your post that all that you have gained so far could be lost due to the pressure you would be facing from going back....

BunnyMaz · 26-10-2010, 12:24 AM

I know you feel terrible right now, but the important thing above all else is YOU. YOUR health. YOUR happiness. YOUR mind.

If you don't feel ready yet, and you have all these worries running through your head, remember that no one can force you to do anything. You get to choose. You have total control over this. If you want to try going back, and find you are not ready, you've still taken a very brave step. If you decide to wait, then you are doing what you feel is best for your health. Whichever path you choose, you should be so PROUD of yourself. You've already achieved so much, and you have nothing to be embarassed or ashamed of.

Proioxis · 01-11-2010, 02:34 AM

Zurg and BunnyMaz, thank you so, so much for your replies. I'm sorry I have not got back to you sooner - I have been trying to sort things out (or hiding from them, I guess :P)

I have decided not to go back, to put it off the full amount of time I am allowed (so another 5 months).

I was feeling terrible about it, like i had let everyone down (and I still do) but you two, you stopped me doing anything drastic and really allowed me to take ownership of the decision (and realise there is more to life than work).

Zurg, I'm sorry about your experience at university but thank you for sharing it with me. All my peers just seem to find things so easy. And I am terrified of my supervisor. To be honest my parents are dealing with it initially, until I can get myself together enough to face everyone. It is a bit complicated due to funding etc.

Thank you though, I seriously can't tell your how greatful I was/am not to feel so alone in this.