i'm back and i need someone. *long, and triggering.*

missxfebruary · 25-10-2010, 07:04 PM

i haven't been on RYL in years. as much i loved the help and support i got here, that was an accomplishment i was seriously proud of. i didn't need it anymore. i 'got better'. everything changed this weekend.

i have a daughter now. she is 17 months old. she's my world. she's the reason it's been years since i've hurt myself, she's amazing.

her daddy and i were together for 3 years. we were engaged. in april he left me for one of my best friends and told me they'd been sleeping together for months. i felt like my entire world was falling apart.

a few weeks later he started talking to me, trying to get me to sleep with him. he told me he missed me and it worked. we had sex. we didn't stop. we cheated for months. she'd find out every few weeks and break up with him for three or four days, during which he'd tell me he wanted to fix things, that he wasn't over me, we'd sleep together and the next day he'd beg her for forgiveness and she'd take him back. it was excruciating and I kept putting myself through it with the hope that one day she'd say she'd had enough and he'd be mine again.

last month, i got pregnant. i couldn't handle the thought of raising another child with him when he didn't want to be with me and was as manipulative as he is, and telling my family and friends i was having a baby and who the father was. i had an abortion. something i told myself i would never, ever do in my life. i could barely get out of bed for days. i was disgusted with myself, and i probably will be for the rest of my life. we stopped the cycle, we stopped sleeping together for a month. i couldn't go through it again.

last tuesday they broke up again. it wasn't because of me this time. they both stated adamantly that they weren't getting back together. i was determined not to take him back anyway after all he'd done.

but saturday night he called me over to talk, and like an idiot, i did. we slept together. he held me and told me he still loved me, just differently than he had at one time. he said he didn't know what would happen but he still wanted to be with her. as i was arguing the reasons they didn't work and he should be with me, he stopped me mid-sentence.

she's pregnant. she had ovarian cancer, they didn't think it could ever happen. the only thing that i had that she didn't, the argument i could always use that he needed to be with me, was that i was his family. i was the mother of his child. and now i'm not the only one.

i needed to be sick. i ran to the bathroom. there was a knife laying on the side of the tub that he'd threatened to kill himself with the last time she left him. I grabbed it and put 8 gashes in my leg. for the first time in 3 years. i scared the **** out of myself. they were all gaping wide open and there was a literal puddle of blood on the floor.

he got my nursing school bag out of my car so i could take care of the cuts (thank god i graduate in a month, and had a bag full of dressing supplies). he comforted me. he held me. i cried hysterically for hours. i could barely breathe. i cried myself to sleep in his arms.

the next day he told her we had sex. she told him he would never touch her again. he said she just wanted him to prove he could be loyal so he wasn't going to come back to me, flirt with me, sleep with me, anything. that he wanted a 'one and only' and he wanted it to be her.

i talked to her last night for hours. she told me she didn't want to be with him and never would. i took a deep breath and talked to her like a friend. she told me she hoped that he could grow out his problems someday and we could be happy together again.

this morning i showed up at his apartment at my usual time to drop off our daughter. he wasn't there. he didn't answer my calls.

he called me back an hour later. he had spent the night with her and overslept. she had asked him to come over.

she was my best friend for 5 years and she betrayed me and then pretended to give a **** about me and betrayed me again. he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he betrayed me too. now they're having a child. they're in love. they're happy together. they're going to be a family and leave me and our daughter behind. i want to die and i won't do that to my little girl. i feel like she's trapping me here to try to deal with all this pain and forcing me to do it in a healthy way and i feel like the shittiest mother in the world for thinking that.

i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know how to cope. i'm lost. i'm so lost and broken and empty. i hate myself because i feel selfish and i can't move on and do what's best for my daughter. i want to hate him but i don't. i'd still give anything to be with him. i know that's pathetic because he doesn't respect me and we will never have a healthy relationship. but i feel like he is the only one for me.

i just need an ear. someone to listen and understand who won't judge me for hurting myself. i don't have anyone close to me i can talk to that way. i lost my best friend and my world in a day and just when i thought it couldn't get worse it's just spiraling out of control.

i know that was long. if you took the time to read it, thank you.

Zurg · 25-10-2010, 07:41 PM

I don't have any advice but i sensed so much pain and desperation from your words that i couldn't not reply.....

I'm really useless at relationships and the like so i can't really say much but i want you to know that you're worth more than this ******** who can't make his mind up.

Keep talking to us, i bet someone will come along with some advice. Hang on for dear life meanwhile. Your daugher needs you so don't give up.

Margo · 25-10-2010, 11:19 PM

Will read this properly tomorrow as im too tired now. but hello and hugs!

Matthew xxx

Sigma · 26-10-2010, 10:15 AM

You're worth a lot more than he and she have done. But that's because they're crap, not you. Your daughter needs you and you deserve better.

Can you find someone to talk to? A counsellor or similar?

missxfebruary · 26-10-2010, 08:46 PM

I had a counselor shortly after we broke up, but I don't have health insurance and I can't afford it anymore.

I asked him last night if his girlfriend would be with him today and he said no, so I told him he could watch the baby. When I got there to drop her off she was half naked on his couch. I took my little girl and left. Her best friend took it upon herself to tell me for 3 hours over text what a shitty and selfish person I am, and my so-called best friend told me to grow up and get over it and that she didn't want to hear about my problems anymore. Wonderful.

I don't want to kill myself, I refuse to cut myself again, and i'm forcing myself to eat enough. I'm resisting every urge I have to self harm, I really am. But i'm still not coping. I'm empty, i'm broken, i'm sick to my stomach, i'm forcing food down and forcing myself not to throw it up, as soon as my daughter goes to bed all I can do is cry. I feel like part of me is dying. Everyone keeps telling me to move on, grow up, get over it, it sucks but your life isn't over... and nobody can tell me how. How do you stop loving someone? How do live through seeing the person you love love and have a child with someone else, and not be a walking damn disaster?

Thanks for the replies so far. I don't know if there are any answers for anyone to have for me. But understanding and support goes a long way and it's more than my damn fake friends can do for me.

IdleButDeadly · 27-10-2010, 05:18 AM

I'm glad you took your daughter and walked away, that shows a lot of strength (NOT selfishness!), and that jerk doesn't deserve to see his daughter if he can't be responsible enough to BE there on time and to NOT have this woman over when he's supposed to spend time with his daughter!

*hugs* hang in there, be strong, and do whats best for both you and your daughter.

Sigma · 27-10-2010, 08:26 AM

Well done on not giving in to the self-destructive urges. You say you're not coping, but it sounds to me as if you're doing brilliantly - anyone would be in pieces after what's happened, feeling empty & broken and crying a lot sounds a healthy response to the hurt and betrayal. It's horrible to have to go through this. But you will get through it.

How do you stop loving someone? It takes time, and getting into the habit of doing what you did - if he's not respecting his role as your daughter's father then you walk away. Tough to do, but well done for doing it. It probably felt as if it was tearing you apart, but every time you do it makes it a little bit easier next time.

Are there any non-profits in your area that do counselling? It might be worth a quick Google...

FlyingNy · 07-11-2010, 07:18 PM

I don't know how to fall out of love with someone. I don't know how to get over someone when you feel right in your heart that they're the only one you are ever meant to be with, even if they can't see it. But I can feel what you do. I don't have the answers, but I too am trying to find them. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.