Crossroads

[Margo]

Im reaching a crossroads in my recovery. Infact i think im there at the junction.

I have choices. Choices to stay ill or to be well.

I am at the stage where it IS a choice now for me. I am not in the state i was and i am no longer ruled by my sickness.

I am bloody terrifired though. This sounds terrible but one of the things i am scared of is losing who i am. I learned so much being ill and im frightened that it will all go if i am completely free of it. It seems stupid to write and i am ashamed that i have.

In therapy she gave me an ass kicking. One of the things we spoke about is my fear of the unknown. My fear of what might be. the fact that when i do go to the place i was scared of or do the job i was terrified about i am actually ok. Its the bit in-between that rules me.

We spoke about my current urges to cut. She said she thinnks its because i am bored. O_0. I mean can you really have the urge to cut yourself because you are bored? I had to concur, albeit reluctantly. Brutal honesty with oneself really hurts.

I am so ashamed of myself. Im almost 40, single, no family, no home, no money, no job, no savings, no pension.......no life. I am ahsmed i have the thoughts and fears that i do.

I want to learn to stop being ashamed. I need to stop feeling ashamed!

I need my faith back! I need it really badly now.

She said to me to stop thinking so big! Take each little piece and just do it!. Ask work for paid work. do some baking, go volunteer in Connexions or something. Stop trying to get a career and just build up the component parts. She is referring to my dream of having a theraputic centre that provides help and support AND makes cakes! (im serious)

.....but im terrified.


you know i still have the flip-side reaction to it all. Choose life or kill myself.

I walked in my Mind to the bridge again. I threw myself off and it was all over.




but then........i see myself by a steel worktop making a banana and walnut loaf and a bread and butter pudding with lincolnshire plum bread and creme englaise and..........


now i have to make a choice.

*sigh*



This should have gone in my ryl journal. Ive put it here because i need it to be seen by more than me, just so it feels more out than in. If that makes sense?

I need to not choose fear. Aint quite figured out how tho.

[The One Who]

I think this happens to a lot of people. Why do you think you will lose yourself, or what you know now? I see it that you have a choice of living as you are (and I doubt you are truly happy as you are), living and possibly changing slightly, or dying and losing everything.

I have to agree with your therapist about trying to break things down into smaller parts. We all have to take things one step at a time, and it is easier to achieve several smaller things than one huge one.

[Laura2.0]

I think a lot of us are afraid of what will be when they stop hurting themselves or when they are recovered. I know that I am scared of what will happen when I stop SI or when I manage to tell someone about what happened.

Breaking things down is always good (except when it comes to bones) and I think it is a good idea to do that for you.

Little story out of my life:
I do circus (juggling, unicycle, trapeze, tricks with horses, walking on glass shards and so on and so on). So, there was this workshop called 'contact juggling', you take a silicone ball and roll it around on your body. The hands, arms, legs, back, feet and then there are certain balance points on the hands and head and knees and so on. The teacher showed us that it is possible to roll the ball a long way over the whole body and to do that over and over again. It was so complicated, so we started to break it down. Learn teh different balance points first, then connect them and let the ball roll from on balance point to the next one and finally almost all of us could do the whole thing. We were so proud of ourselves.
The teacher was called Jeanine Ebnöther, here is a video:
http://www.jeanine.ch/en/balledanse_promo.html

What Im trying to say is that life kind of is like contact juggling and if we want to achieve great then we have to start with baby steps, then connect the steps and build from that.

[CagedBird]

I don't believe you can choose to fear or not. Fear is an emotion, it isn't really something you choose...but you're right you can choose how you react to it! You can let it rule your life or you can make a decision tomorrow to make a small step in the direction you want. It isn't going to be easy, and noone is suggesting it will be... Maybe you should start by reading some inspirational biographys, you have a dream/passion and it sounds like you need to start feeding into that, little bites of those delicious cakes you make perhaps...

Shame is painful. In fact, it is beyond words that can ever explain the pain that is felt. Again, i don't believe you can 'learn' to feel less ashamed, but I believe you can nuture the parts that want to live/have self esteem/have strength. You need to start 'tuning' into them.

Faith will not happen over night. Faith isn't easy. Faith, to me, is a decision a person makes every single day to believe. It is an ongoing process. And it is blummin' blummin' hard!!!

[effervescence]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjapenguin

This sounds terrible but one of the things i am scared of is losing who i am. I learned so much being ill and im frightened that it will all go if i am completely free of it.

my fear of the unknown. My fear of what might be.


I mean can you really have the urge to cut yourself because you are bored?


I want to learn to stop being ashamed. I need to stop feeling ashamed!


but then........i see myself by a steel worktop making a banana and walnut loaf and a bread and butter pudding with lincolnshire plum bread and creme englaise and..........


.

1) the things you've learned won't go. they will still be there in your head and your memory and knowledge.

2) everyone has a fear of the unknown. i know i certainly do. those confident people who say they don't are lying.

3) yes you can because it's become a habit.

4) quite right.

5) yum.

xxx

[Sigma]

It's not really a crossroads - it's not as all or nothing. Like the others (and your therapist) have said, it's a series of small steps and choices. In a way, that can be more scary, because you need to keep finding the courage instead of making one big gesture and then everything's OK (or everything's finished). But you can do it - that's how you got this far.

Can I put an order in for the bread & butter pudding?!

[makedamnsure]

Quote:

We spoke about my current urges to cut. She said she thinnks its because i am bored. O_0. I mean can you really have the urge to cut yourself because you are bored? I had to concur, albeit reluctantly. Brutal honesty with oneself really hurts.

Your therapist raises a good point. I'm at the point where cutting is a choice for me. I want to do it, mostly when I'm bored, to the point where I feel like the world will collapse if I don't. But I know I don't really have to, and its better if I don't.

I'm a great advocate for volunteering. I recently started volunteering with kids and I love it.

I was absolutely terrified at first,but I'm so glad I plucked up the courage to send in an application. Sometimes they ask me to do things and my first instinct is no way can I do that, its too much responsibility etc. But I always manage. And always enjoy it too. As well as having chance to socialise and meet loads of great people.

[Margo]

CB, you are right that i cant choose emotions. What i mean is i can choose whether to keep going along the fear path or choose a different one and ultimately learn to look at it differently.

I do feel that its a crossroads because for the first time in all this time i really do feel i am in need to choose a path. When i look at some of the reasons to fear getting out of this illness, they are really quite lame :/. Really made me think. I have been frightened of getting better for some time. Afraid of what being well means. I think i have feared losing something associated to sickness for quite some time. I also fear that taking a step over the line into wellness could almost leave me so lost i wouldt cope.

Breakign it all down is key. I wish i could do things just for the sake of doing them and stop all the thoughts.

I really appreciate the thing s you have all said. Its really helping me! You are all pretty much confirming what i speak avbout in therapy each week and im gonna try to use this to strengthen the points.

I just wish it were easier. I cried in my meeting today. I was so ashamed >.<. I attend something called "intraining". Its to help people who have been out of work long term. I go voluntarily. today i had to say what ive been up to and how im getting on. I tried to be really positive. Then i just broke down and said i was so ashamed i have to come to a place like this and that i find the simplest things so hard now.

"don't believe you can 'learn' to feel less ashamed, but I believe you can nuture the parts that want to live/have self esteem/have strength. You need to start 'tuning' into them."

^^^^

Yes! I know thats key. I would love to do that. Ive spent so many hours hating myself. A constant mantra of self hate that this will be one of the hardest things for me.

Thank you all.

i really hope i can do this....

I want to be happy!

[Coffee Addict]

"waves" me again.

Know what I think? I think you are afraid of being an "Adult"...having to do adult things.
Your illness has kept you safe from having to do that, so it is too easy to rely on that to not have to "grow up" and do big people things.

Now that you are getting alittle late start on this, it has to be terrifing...kinda like you are being thrown into it without the middle point, the point where you "build up" to a job, house, family...kinda all the things adults do.

It's not easy being a teenager again at 40, but you can do it. In the end the struggle will be well worth it.

[Margo]

I hope so Linda. I really do.

[Coffee Addict]

Well....worth a try anyway, if you don't likeit go back to being "sick"again.
That is my plan anyway:)

[Margo]

am i weak?

[Coffee Addict]

Hell no,if you were weak, you would never have made it this long.,
You seem scared and confused.....just put on foot infront of the other and keep marching....even if it has to be to a different drummer.

[Margo]

dont think i can do this..
I try to be possitive and i get a huge backlash of **** in my head.
I feel totally alone with all this. I have no one to help and keep me on track here.
Oh well.

[~Grace~]

Matthew, Ive been where you are now. Believe it or not ive been at those crossroads with my ex therapist. But i chose to turn away. I chose my illness rather than freedom and look where i am at now. Fear of the unknown made me choose that option...you dont want to be where i am now...look how you have tried to make me see the errors of my ways. Use that logic on yourself and take the right route. I believe in you and know you will make the right choice...dont be like me
..hands you a sock monkey xx

[pea soup]

HELL NO you are not weak!!
if i had advice i would give it....but i plum out and loony myself right now.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

[Bitter_Angel]

Matthew I know this feeling.
But at present you are looking at it as getting well being the scary thing.
I think it really is the opposite.
Could you honestly stand another couple of years like the last few? Sure you have learnt a lot about things like compassion, but I think you are at the point now where you have learnt enough, its time to move onto other things. There is plenty to learn and plenty I know that you want to achieve. I dont think that it is too late for any of these.

Have you thought about easing yourself back into things? For example, you could get funding to do a part time college/degree course? If things get to tough, you can always drop it at any time, but you would have the support of your tutors and such.

[CagedBird]

You're not weak. This is really hard. I think the only way to get over the fear is try not to think too much and take a small, tiny baby step in the right direction. Tbh I think you're already further on from the crossroads, i mean you attend therapy to help you feel better, you attend this intraining course to help you get back into work...you do lots of things already that you are doing to help yourself and not to remain sick. I think it is very easy to forget how much one is doing already and expect so much more of ourselves. It's like when we're ill we'd never even think of feeling guilty about not getting out of bed somedays but when we're a bit better we spend most of the time in bed kicking ourselves for not getting out of bed and therefore don't feel the benefits of looking after ourselves (does that long sentence make any sense?!).

I just wanted to post again to say you are not alone in any of this. Today I was 'bad' and stayed in bed till half 11am. I finally got the strength to wash my face and brush my hair about an hour ago. I've just spent the last hour in tears because I wanted to try and go to a volunteer centre this morning but I wasn't able too (because I couldn't get out of my room let alone the house). I then phoned my sister, in tears again, because I really wanted to something with my day today. My other plan was to go join the gym - not to go for a session, just simply join! I'm going to make myself get in the car after I finish this and do it. I'm so scared though! My sister says once I do that to treat myself so I'm going to go get a hot chocolate in a cafe. It seems so pathetically small doesn't it that I can't even get out of my house to go fill in a form to join the gym? But it is tough.

It is so easy to beat ourselves up and so hard to appreciate how hard it really all is when our emotional resources are depleted. I have to keep reminding me of this too.

[Margo]

Thank you.
Im trying baby steps but it just doesnt seem enough. today i managed to drag myself up and rake the lawn to help my father. It did me good. Physical excercise does me good. but its hard to actually get up and do it.

On thursday in therapy i told her i had a bad week. Shes being really lovely and warm to me atm. We spoke about the backlash and she tells me that i have a big hill to climb to get over my self hating and defeating ways. You see as soon as something good happens i kill it. the internal bully comes along and steals what ever it was that i had and hits me back twice as hard. I try to tell it to shut up, i really do.

It drains every ounce of my strength to move at times. I have a family around me who do not listen, empathise or try to help. I know i have to do this on my own. Sometimes i just cry when i think about it. Id like to make a nice meal, but like i said in therapy whats the point when theres no one to enjoy it with. when the atmosphere is so unconducive to enjoying food.

Scunthorpe is a dying town. The steel industry is on subsitance levels and does not support the thousands it once did. I feel like im dying too. I feel like my insides have been slowly cut away. Everytihng that is or was me slowly eaten away by all the negativity that surrounds me.

I cut myself at work yesterday :( Only a scratch on my hand. It hurt like hell as i did it with a steak knife. I dont recomend this at all.

I even text my friend to say i will be in brum at the beginning of December and id like to meet up. This was on monday. Stilll no reply.

No one except Chelsea ever came to visit me here.

I have booked more things to go on with intraining. A better off calculation and i even asked about a fitness thing the council run.

Thank you for the kindness and tenderness. Thank you so much.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[CagedBird]

It is really hard trying to find the energy to move forward on your own (understatement of the century!). It's bad but sometimes I seriously hate having to constantly find the energy to push through and be 'good'. Sometimes I feel like screaming for it all to stop because I can't cope....unfortunately I don't have the power to stop time (damn)...nor the energy to truly scream and make people hear me...so i continue. That is why I think it is really important to have somewhere to be able to express how **** it is because ironically I think having that outlet can help a person continue....

I'm glad your therapist is being warm. Sometimes after a week of hell we need a place to stop and get the chance to breathe...

Do you feel your environment is having a significant impact on your MH or is it the other way around? I know this'll sound daft and i don't want to sounds as though i'm reducing any of the pain that you feel - but would a holiday help? Sometimes the dudgery of life can seriously de-motivate a person (depression or no depression!). A holiday can give some head-space. Going on a tour holiday could allow you to go with people but, if that's not your cup of tea, often just going on holiday full stop allows you meet lots of new ppl anyway. Maybe you could find a cheap few days away somewhere?

It is really good you've got some new training stuff in place and you're trying to meet up with friends....I'm so bad at that, i get so tired I rarely meet any friends anymore. I hope you continue you try and be kind to yourself.