And she still gets to me.
Someone referred to my mum as a bitch the other day. I agreed. I'm not sure how much of a bitch that makes me, but then I'm not sure how much more of her I can take.
Things started going downhill again in July. I took Darrell out to see her and Dad. Well, more a case of they booked the flights and told me I was going out to see them. I get no choice in these matters, where Mum's concerned.
I've come through a lot the past year or so. I've changed a lot. But still, I seem to be consistently, the one in the wrong. Almost like I'm the one she's ashamed of. I'm not scared of anyone, anymore. Except her.
I strive so hard to please her, but I can't. I just can't seem to manage that final hurdle. She'll tell me in one breath I'm too strict on Daz, and in the next, I'm too soft. One day, I'll pull her up on all her mis-doings as a mother, seeing as she thinks she's so perfect.
So, the one day, I'm sat on her patio, and Daz kept climbing over me. Eventually, after about an hour of this, I told him to pack it in. And suddenly, I was the bitch for snapping.
She forgets I don't have anyone to lift the load occassionally. But she sat there, bitching about how I've always had mood swings, and how even when her husband was miserable, she never acted miserable round her kids. If she could manage that with her eldest two, then how come all my younger brother and I can remember is pissing her off? And if my moods were so bad, why not, like I would if it was Darrell, get them checked out?
It was shortly after this her true feelings about me going back to uni came out. She kept going on about how I shouldn't be doing it now, about in her days, mother were mothers, and everything else waited until the kids were at school. She kept reiterating how I need to put Darrell first. I had no intention of doing otherwise. Yet she made me feel like there's this linear line... More self improvement automatically means caring less about Darrell. Or something like that.
So, last week, she was over. Silly me was looking forward to seeing her. Yet, despite seeing how happy Darrell is, she still tried the guilt trip. This time in the more subtle manner of "it's wrong that the government provide an incentive for parents to go back to uni. Don't they have more important things to do". Way to go to make me feel ****, Mum!
So, there we were, sat in the middle of a restaurant. Trying to keep my cool about her attitude, I'm cleaning Darrell up after an ice cream. And then he throws up. Now, bearing in mind, this is my mother, his nanny, always going on about what a better mother I can be, she walks out. Doesn't ask how he is, doesn't even stop to ask the waiter for a cloth. She still hasn't. OK, I can understand having a child throw up isn't pleasant, but she used to help when my sister's kids threw up, and damn, even the old couple on the table next to us asked if he was ok.
So, how the hell do I stop feeling so crap? Because she always makes me feel like **** somehow, be it over the phone, or on the rare occassions we see each other face to face. Short of cutting all ties, what the hell do I do? What the hell do I say?
