Nothing is getting better.

[blue butterfly]

Hey everyone, I haven't been on here in a very long time (not because I didn't need it, I was having computer problems) and I was never really actively posting when I was here so I feel rather rude asking for advice/kind words but I am struggling right now.

I have been self-harming since I was 13 years old and it has gotten progressively worse. Plus a whole heap of other problems on top of that and a few years ago I ended up having some sort of breakdown.
I went to my GP and she sent a CPN to see me.

So I have been seeing my cpn for 2 years now and she is unreliable in her visits to say the least, sometimes I dont hear from her for months at a time.
I keep telling her that I desperately need someone regularly to talk to to try and help me sort out the mess in my head and she says she will refer me to a psych but she never does.
If I go and say anything to my gp I get told to talk to my cpn and to keep taking my medications.

I am just so.....I dont even know the words! I want to get better, I want someone to talk to, I dont want to feel like cutting all the time.
But I have been seeing my cpn for 2 years and absolutely nothing has changed, nothing.
In fact my cutting has gotten worse and much more regular. In a way I feel like my cpn is just adding to my problems.
I hadn't heard from her in 2 months but ended up in hospital after cutting last week and she decided to get in contact after the hospital contacted her saying they were worried about me. She came to my house the next day and didn't mention me cutting/why I'd done it, she just rambled on about other stuff like me getting out the house to go swimming!
I just feel like screaming at her that I am NOT OK, but I doubt she'd care.

I don't know what to do or who to turn to.
I feel like things are always going to be like this, that I'm never going to get better and I will never get help. I really hate thinking that this is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.


Sorry for the long and ranty post but I really am struggling, I just dont know what to do anymore, I kind of feel lost :(

If anyone has any advice about what to do or just any kind words, would be much appreciated right now.

x

[TheShade1989]

Sounds like the reasons things arent getting better for you is because of your CPN. If you need someone reliable and supportive to tlk to about how you feel, any problems and difficulties you have, etc., then that's what you need. Not someone who'll be erratic and someone you cant depend on. Is there any way you can tlk to someone else? Maybe, go back to your GP and explain to them that she's not helping you at all, and wen you've spoken to her about it she's done nothing. Just gotta be assertive and dont stop till you get the amount of help and consistency that you want and deserve.

[Sigma]

^ I agree - you could go back to your GP or complain to the Mental Health Team. Try & be factual, even though it's causing you emotional difficulties, what the problems are - e.g. how often you've met with her and how often you'd like to have appointments - and what you'd like done - e.g. a referral to a psych and a proper care plan with regular appointments. The clearer you can be about what the problem is and what you would see as a solution the easier for them to act on it.

Try not to give up - things can get better, often we have to fight for what we need at the time when fighting for ourselves is incredibly difficult. One step at a time...