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Contains illicit drugs - Emotional turmoil after weed
Well anyone reading this can probably figure out my problem by reading the title!
I'll start... Basically I started smoking weed around 4 years ago recreationally, within a couple of months it became a constant and heavy addiction to the point where without fail I would wake up with the same routine of cup of tea and a joint to start the day.
I stopped smoking around 4 weeks ago due to splitting with my ex girlfriend of 3 1/2 years who has moved out of our place. We still speak and are close, she is really supportive at the moment and we are brutally honest with each other.
Since stopping it's like I have had a major hit of realisation and am started to feel very depressed about all the precious time I wasted with this very special woman, the times she for instance has been excited about going out somewhere, and i've turned around and said "let me make another joint then we can go"... To no prevail as I would still be sat there an hour later. Thats just one example. I know if I never smoked we would have never split up, she agrees the connection between us both is something special and I feel I have wasted my chance.
I also feel it emotionally numbed me, because although I deeply love her, I never had the energy to show it, I was always suppressed by weed and feel I have suppressed her aswell and dragged her down with me, I'm feeling guilt and almost remorse as if a close person in my life has died.
I'm looking for a way out of this emotional mess I have admittedly got myself into, I don't know what to do or how long these feeling will last. I know there is still a chance with my ex, we talk, i go to see her and get on extremely well with her family, for all intents and purposes we had a strong relationship, our downfall being my own selfish desire to get stoned. I feel I need to make right all the wrongs and in some cases the non-existent things I have or have not done but don't know where to start.
I spoke for a long time with her on the phone last night, I cried my eyes out to her about the sorrow i am feeling, we are going to go to a fair together as friends later this week with my group of friends and i need some clarity and support. We still are very close, and i know she still doesnt trust i will never go back to weed, i have hurt her deeply. Be it for friendship or romance i want to make it right for her again and make her as happy as i could have given i didnt smoke weed.
The best was i can describe my feeling is this, imagine a balloon hovering above you're head containing all of you're thoughts, emotions and feelings but the balloon wont come to you because you cant see it, that is what i feel the weed has done to me, but since stopping a month ago, the realisation has popped that balloon and all of them pent up emotions have fell onto my shoulders and i feel i cannot cope.
Any advice or relation to my problem would be greatly appreciated, i feel desperate, something else i am not used to
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