I'm actually going mad

[Tenji]

over the past few weeks my moods have been steadily getting more and more manic. I used to go through periods of feeling fine, then dropping very low. Usually triggered by something [even something really stupid] but its becoming more frequent. for example last week i stayed at my mates house, one day i was fine and then the next day for some reason all i wanted to do was slit my wrists and die. I felt so suicidal, for no reason. So bad that i had to ring a friend up to calm me down.
I am absolutely disgusted by my figure. I've been binging more (i used to starve more but since my friend died last november its turned to binging) I always have hated my body but its worse now. My reflection is so wierd. It keeps changing. i looked in the mirror a few hours ago and im sure my skin was tinged yellow and purple. It was awful. i have acne scars on my face aswell, which seem to get worse everyday. it looked so blotchy. it was the first time i went out without makeup on in over 5 years. and now i can remember why i never did. I went home and instantly showered. my skin doesnt seem as bad. but i can just see yellow.
I was walking through the city centre before and everyone was staring at me. all i could hear was a voice going through my head saying 'theyre staring at you cause you look huge. look how fat you are.' it really got to me. i hadnt eaten all day so i went to get a sandwich, and there were two girls sat at the table and they couldnt stop laughing. one glanced at me. i dont know if it was the once or a million times. but i wanted to cry. i was sure they were talking about me. i probably looked like a twitchy mess so no wonder if they were.
i walked to the station after this and i swear everyone looked at me. everyone looked at me in disgust. i had to sit down somewhere private and out of the way to stop myself from having a panic attack. i just wanted someone there with me.
i hate everything. i hate myself. I just want to scrub away my skin, cut at it and stop eating. i hate feeling like everyone is out to get me. I hate the grief ive been experiencing over the past 11 months. i hate feeling like everyones judging my appearence. I have been feeling depressed and been self harming for 7 years now. i want help. i have no gp. i dont know how to get help. will it cost something? is there any charity that can maybe help me take the first step? i cant talk to my parents. the thought of that makes my skin crawl. im terrified. whats wrong with me?

[Zurg]

I think that you should look into getting some help. I'm not saying you're crazy but i think it would be a good thing ti investigate this paranoia with a therapist of some sort. Also to discuss your low self esteem which can often be the cause of the paranioa.

If you don't have a gp the first step would be looking into getting one. And that shouldn't cost anything, nor does most type of therapies cost you anything as long as you're not going private.

I understand you're feeling scared but i really think it would help you to find someone to talk to about these feelings you're experiencing. As i said earlier, i don't think you're crazy but i think a low self esteem and the worry about your looks can be the cause of some of your problems. When i think too much about my looks (i'm overweight) i also keep thinking that people are looking at me and jugding me and thinking bad things about me.

I also want to say that i have seen pictures of you on the piccie board and i don't think you're overweight. Actually you seem very slim And i think you look really good with your funky hair and all the piercings. I wish i looked as good as you!!!!

Try and register with a gp. Maybe your parents can help you with that if you feel comfortable. There is a lot of help out there and you should be able to find someone who can help you. It is a bit scary, yes, but it can really make such a huge difference.

[Tenji]

I hope i can get some help, i really want some. I might ask my mum to help me re-register with the family GP and make up some excuse that i need to go. She wont think anything of it.

And thank you for the compliments sweetie! i'm at my heaviest weight, i know that. I look slimmer in photos, which is a blessing. but thats besides the point i suppose.

im just sick of feeling this way :(

[Zurg]

it is tiring and exhausting to feel this way. I'm sorry i'm a bit late with a reply but maybe you have already gotten a gp and an appointment????? I hope you will if you haven't already because there is help out there. You know, i have schizophrenia and they have managed to help me alot so there's definetely hope for most of us nutters

I think someone to talk to who won't jugde and someone who will listen to every problem, big and small, will help you immensely. Someone who isn't personally involved is often very good at offering helpful advice and suggestions.

And you shouldn't go around and feel so bad when there is help to be had. And sometimes it's easier to talk to a therapist than to your boyfirend or your best friend or your mum or whatever.

And again, you may weigh a few pounds too much, but hey, at least you're not me, lol And i stand by what i said, i think you look good!!!!!

[Tenji]

dont worry about the late reply, ive only just managed to get back online myself!
ive not sorted anything yet but i think i might do sometime soon. Bit busy the next few days but i will deffo bring it up with my mum. Infact its a good time, cause ive been a bit ill recently with the flu. so i can just tell my mum i want to go cause of the flu.

and thank you, you're lovely :)

im deffo feeling much better tat the moment, but thats no excuse to not go get help i suppose. cause i know i will feel crap again in a few days!