Worried and need some support please..

[pea soup]

ok..

i have knots in my stomach and cant sleep tonight. its 4:30am and no sleep in sight. i am incapable of helping this person and im scared out of my wits.

im not sure how to cope with this. i get attached and i wont let go. i know i have to but i just dont know how. i love this person as if she were my sister.

i feel helpless...and useless because i cant help her.

and right now i need some support for myself because i dont want to go down that slippery slope again.

thanks bunches.

[Merc]

Can give 'hugs', etc...but I think better to ask you to explain....can you?

I DO understand getting attached, BUT when it starts affecting your health (either way) you have to question, "Is it worth it?"

Sounds harsh, I know. But I also know you have a great deal already to deal wiht.

Without knowing details, I can only say that you can only help a person to learn how to help themsleves...after that, honestly, what can you do??

[pea soup]

to help everyone understand better.

my friend is heading towards pure hell if she's not there already. she's far away from me so i cant go see her. she is hurting herself and it hurts me for her.

and i KNOW she can overcome it if she wanted to. im just not sure she wants to. i know alot of people want her to get better....just not herself which makes it almost impossible to help.

im sorry this is affecting me so badly. but its personal because she is so important to me.

maybe thats a bit clearer?

[Margo]

Rach you can not make yourself ill over this. I know its easier said than done as 6 months ago i made myself ill over a friend who tried to kill herself. Its really hard not to get affected.

However you can only do so much. The rest is down to them. you have enough on your plate as it is. Its not selfish to look after yourself. Its the right thing to do. By the mere fact you call them a friend and im sure they call you a friend too, it means you have given already! Im sure you have given more than most friends do in a lifetime.

You need to distract yourself. You need to keep busy. you know as well as anyone that only your will can keep you alive. If you chose not to live or try then nothing and no one can help.

Be strong for your friend by being strong for yourself.

Its not easy i know. Trust me i really really know.

Love and hugs
Matthew xxx

[The One Who]

You need to look after yourself first. You cannot help anyone if you are unwell yourself. I'm sure she doesn't want you to make yourself ill over her.

Being so far away, you can only do so much, and I'm sure you are already doing that. Is there anyone closer to her that can offer more help?

[pea soup]

oh yes, plenty of people. she just refuses. its like im already planning for her death.
ive been so close to death with my suicide attempts. my last attempt was 2 years ago and i wasnt breathing when the ambulance got here.i only remember waking up with tubes in my lungs and IV's in me. it scared the crap outta me and then i got serious about healing.

but nothing seems to scare her. i think she may even get a "rush" out of it. i dont know.

im going to take care of myself but my worry will continue because its only natural to worry about the people you love.

i will be careful to not let this affect my health as best i can.

[pea soup]

thanks to everyone...i know i have to distance myself.

ive stayed awake as long as i can waiting for her but i have to sleep. this sucks worse than anything.

[pea soup]

ok...

no one really has to reply. youve all given what you can.

i guess this will just be my sounding board.

sleeping didnt work. im exhausted. i feel sick to my stomach. i refuse to hurt myself. but i realize not sleeping and finding it hard to eat isnt healthy.

ive lost very close friends. in the past three years my father died, my grandmother died, and my cousin died. and a very close friend was killed in a car crash while i was in the hospital so i wasnt able to attend the funeral.

my ability to handle anymore just isnt there right now. all these deaths are still very fresh in my mind although im dealing with it.

i need to hear from her...to know she is freaking breathing. at this point, i never know.

tears are coming and i rarely cry. its takes alot to produce a tear. but maybe i should just cry and get it over with.

i dont mean to whine and i feel like a baby and i feel stupid but i honestly cant help it.

im strong...ive proved it to myself. and im trying. i just wish i could sleep. ive been up since yesterday.

ive even taken an anxiety pill and i save them for extreme situations but this is turning into one.

please, i need to sleep....

[pea soup]

ive chatted with her so at least i know she's alive.

when she said she had to go, i think it was because i was asking questions and pushing her but oh well. she tells me she'll be ok but at the same time she says she doesnt ever think she'll be better.

*cries*
i slept 4 hours and now Kelly is worried about me. she doesnt like me coming to RYL because i always end up getting worse because i worry so much. i feel kinda numb right now...but teary too. im not sure what to do with myself. harming isnt acceptable and im really tired but cant sleep anymore right now.

i feel like someone kicked me in the stomach and knocked all the air outta me.

[Margo]

then stay away! please for your own good!

[~Grace~]

Rachel hun..I know we have spoken and I have told you this. But I am bringing your mood down. My situation is affecting you and you really dont need that right now. I know youve said that everything is fine at the moment....well, enjoy it hun, make the most of it. Please dont let me destroy all your hardwork and send you tumbling again. I wouldnt want to be responsible for that and I certainly wouldnt wish to see that happen. You are a good friend and I want to protect you...so please dont read my posts if they upset you. Please keep away from my thread or I will have to stop posting.I am doing this for your own good. I love you and would hate to see you get hurt

Gosh, ive just re read that and it does sound a bit harsh...i dont mean it to be in the slightest. Im just really concerned about you as the rest of your friends are my sweet. xxxx

[Margo]

If you want to protect her, then start protecting yourself!

Rowie you really need to take a good long hard look at yourself. YOU WILL DIE AND PEOPLE WILL BE DEVASTATED FOR THE REST O THEIR LIVES IF YOU KEEP ON LIKE THIS AND DIE!

YOUR SON WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! HIS CANCER WILL BE LIKE A STUBBED TOE IN COMPARISON TO THE PAIN YOU COULD POTENTIALLY PUT HIM THROUGH!

Im sorry but thats the truth!

START ****ING FIGHTING! AND START NOW!