I'm in therapy....i don't need advice or anything just, well, maybe support and caring words....and yeh not just the 'i care'...more the... 'i give a flying poo!'.
I don't expect anyone to feel that way though, afterall noone on here knows me, and you likely never really will. I'm not really the 'sharing' type. I'm more the 'lets censor anything i want to really say' type. Basically, you meet me...and you're meeting the 'fake' me.
BUT - do you want to know the worst thing? ....The 'fake' me isn't even a nice person. I am such a bad actress that i make ppl hate the fake me. How ironic is that!? So can you imagine what the real me is like if the fake me is hate-able?
Last edited by CagedBird : 08-10-2010 at 08:59 PM.
Reason: because i want to
Hey, sorry, things sound tough for you. I know I don't know you and I'm not going to pretend to know what you are feeling or going through. But I do know that desperate feeling of having suicidal thoughts. It's awful.
You speak of your family. You say they are your stability. Are you able to speak to them about it or even visit them? I live alone and I have sometimes, but not always found it helpful if I can stay over at my parents when things are bad even at the age of 28, even though they don't know it's bad. I guess it's also a distraction.
You talk about the fake you. Is that so noone realises how bad you are feeling? I can really come across as happy when I'm having low thoughts and it makes me feel so fake. Very frustrating. You say the fake you isn't a nice person. What about the real you? When we feel so low it is hard to look at positive aspects of ourselves. I hope you can find good things about yourself, and I'm sure you have many good qualities. Sorry, I'm waffling a bit. I guess I just want you not to give up hope and try to reach out for help.
Last edited by Sketchy : 08-10-2010 at 05:50 PM.
Reason: typo
Thanks for the reply. I visit my parents at least 2x a week and when I'm really bad I stay over at their house. I'm lucky that I have somewhere that I can go. It can be a double edge knife though like you say as it can feed my thoughts of being rather pathetic!
The fake me is a defensive mechanism because i don't really like myself/i'm not sure who the real me is. Unfortunately my acting is slightly skewed and i manage to constantly provoke angry feelings towards me, despite the fake me being invented to prevent this from happening! Ironic really.
Thanks for the waffle, it was good to hear.
There's nothing pathetic about going to your parents and staying over. I have found myself going back to my parents many a time to stay over and going back into what feels like little girl mode . I know what you mean though. I have felt pathetic for it, but there is nothing wrong with needing family support at any age. I guess it's a good thing. But I bet they would rather you did that than stay at home alone suffering by yourself.
How are you feeling now? I hope you can learn to like yourself and show the real you. Are you seeking help for it, if you don't mind me asking?
I've gotten to the point i'd rather anything than be alone. Unfortunately that is my general reality....
I am in therapy 2x per wk. It is a great help....although sometimes it is rather painful (that is putting it lightly).
Thank you for asking....i don't mind at all...just feel really fecking low tonight tbh but that's life really. At least i don't have to get up tomorrow and 'work'.
Sorry I asked if you were getting help after you already said you are in therapy. I'm an idiot . It's good that you find it helpful, and it will be difficult and painfull. Keep fighting and try to continue with it to work throught these problems.
I hope you manage to use your day off work to do something nice for yourself (even though this is hard when feeling low) and keep yourself distracted.
Thanks for replying! Yes, therapy is ridiculously hard but I wouldn't be without it. ...Even though sometimes it tips me over the edge
I cannot remember what i did on my wkend now, I don't remember meeting anyone so I likely did nothing (as usual!). I'm less bad than i was before, I think distraction is key sometimes....it is when I think/feel that things get bad.
Indeed! I started a list the other day. I can tick one of the action point off which was - 1) start a list! Not managed to complete any of the others yet....
I try to keep busy, work esp (although i hate it) is helpful for me as it maintains a routine and keeps me distracted. My dr has said she'd happily sign me off work for 6months + if I felt I needed that but we've agreed that work, however ****, is good for me ultimately.
I'm not much good at scheduling stuff, mainly because I find it hard to ask for things from other ppl...even with friends i find it hard to say 'would you like to meet me for a drink'. I like to follow and not direct because if i direct it causes massive paranoia that i have to control with SH. But i like it when people timetable me into their schedules...
Since you said you dont like to ask ppl for stuff, not sure this idea is of any use...
But, could you let those closest to you know you find it hard to initiate it but do enjoy (at times) meeting up??
Do you think taking time off work to be involved in a out-patient program may benefit you? Here they have a full-time one, where you attend everyday and have 'homework' etc? That way you are busy, but at something more beneficial to you??
I actually managed to take my book sback to the library Saturday, because it had been on my list for WEEKS! I am still pleased with myself... ;)
How about evening classes/groups? Difficult to start because it seems very intimidating, but great for scheduling. I'm thinking of volunteering to walk dogs for the local animal shelter at weekends...
Thanks romperfry, sorry i've not managed to get on to reply till now. I have pretty good friends who despite my lack of contact tend to still make an effort towards me. Sometimes I can't believe they do, but i'm very grateful for it!! Unfortunately I missed my holiday this yr with them because I was too ill Maybe next yr....
I don't think I'd be considered ill enough to go to a out-patient program. I can't see them funding it tbh. But it is a good idea, and certainly makes sense!
Tokoloshe - well done for taking your books back! I'm impressed! I've been doing a regular night class and it has been a real lifesaver because i've genuinely enjoyed doing it and because it is regular it has become 'safe' for me. I need to do voluntary work, i was thinking soup kitchens or something...an activity that makes me feel semi-worthwhile and is distracting but at the same time quite non-committal. I'll let you know how i get on.
Just for an update - I had the worst day at work today, something happened and I completely flipped out at someone then i broke down crying and couldn't stop. I've never done that before...it was horrific. I managed to apologise to the person I yelled at, but my emotions literally came from nowhere, all i felt was pure anger and frustration. Luckly my colleague i was working with was gorgeous and talked with me and even found the Serenity Prayer online and told me to take that around with me. How sweet is that! Pity it is only Tuesday though still....urg...life is sometimes too much to deal with!
. I know what you mean though. I have felt pathetic for it, but there is nothing wrong with needing family support at any age. I guess it's a good thing. But I bet they would rather you did that than stay at home alone suffering by yourself.
. It's good that you find it helpful, and it will be difficult and painfull. Keep fighting and try to continue with it to work throught these problems. 
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
Not managed to complete any of the others yet....
Maybe next yr....