When you decrease in ED behaviours because you have to, but the thoughts are still there full force and because you can't stand who you are, what the hell do you do with that? What people don't realise is just because I've managed to reduce my current ED to mildly bulimic rather than moderate/severe bulimia and the anorexia is in the past DOES NOT MEAN I'M OKAY WITH MY BODY. I hate it. I want to rip myself limb from limb every time I look in the ****ing mirror. I've already accepted the fact that I will function in society for a few years then die, but...I don't want that. I want to live as in genuinely live not pretend for OCCUPATIONAL ****ING HEALTH. I can't be honest, I can't get the help I need to be able to do my course because they will use that to bar me entry. ****. **** **** ****. Might as well purge myself to death. No one would notice anyway.
Last edited by Buttons. : 07-10-2010 at 02:06 PM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I understand the feeling of having reduced physical signs and therefore everyone thinking you're doing well when the thoughts remain. Could you let friends/family know that this is the situation?
What course are you doing? Is it possible for you to receive some form of help from occupational health?
I can hear how much you're struggling in this post, and I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I really do understand how you're feeling-having to reduce the behavior because you have to, not because you want to and it's really hard. BUT, the fact that you could even challenge the behaviors at all shows how strong you are. You can get through this, I know that.
Could you try using affirmations to challenge the thoughts that enter your head when you look in the mirror? I know how difficult it is to do, I really do, but maybe it's something to try at least? So for example, if you're mind is going "you're fat" when you look at yourself..try and challenge that thought into something more positive. Say to yourself "I am not fat, I am beautiful the way I am. My body needs food to function" etc. Something along the lines of that, over time, can help. It just takes a lot of effort and a lot of patience.
As for not being able to get help right now, is there anyway you could get help privately, or through uni, or something? Sorry if this is useless, I don't live over there so I'm not quite sure how things work. But if worse comes to worse, if things get too bad and you can't cope, you need to get help. Your health comes before school, because if you end up dying (either from suicide, as you mentioned, or ED complications) you won't ever be able to do the course you're trying to do.
Please stay safe, and keep talking if it's helping. Also, feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk lovely. *offers hugs*
Katy, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, I can really empathise with the pain you're in. It hurts so much when people think that just because you have X BMI or whatever you're fine because it's bullshit. An ED is not about weight, I know you know that. Is it possible to tell anyone how you're feeling? I know you won't believe me but you are beautiful, inside andout.
I'm sorry I dont really have any great words right now just wanted to reply and let you know that you're not alone; we're all here for you and my pm box is always open.
I don't have any major suggestion I'm afraid, because I have the same thoughts. I think an important thing to try and work on is working out why you hate your body so much.
You're not fat. You're not ugly. You're not any of the things you call yourself (not saying you don't have faults, we all do :P)
Now those are rational facts that people who are not in your head can see. Is there any way you can think of to try and work through those thoughts and on your ability to identify them as irrational? Maybe you could develop some kind of plan, kinda like CBT but not, for working through stuff.
Anything it better than ignoring the damaging thoughts, or returning to behaviors that will kill you.
I understand compleatly, as a few years ago i was in a similar situation. As others have said an ed is more than the physical behaviours, it's in your mind. Bottling things up and 'pretending' will only make things worse, things must be totally horrible for you. Maybe try and be honest with those arround you. Do you recieve any support hun?
As for occupational health, be honest with them. They are not there to bar you from the course, they are there to see what help needs to be put in place for you. They nevere really bar people, at most they tend to ask people to defer a year or two. As they dont want peoples health getting worse due to the strain of whatever course they are on. Lying,or pretending to them is counter productive as you wont recieve the help you might need and if its found out later on you were not 100% honest they do then have the right to remove you from the course.
You will not be stopped from entering the course for recieving suppport. There are many people on different university course's, including healthcare ones, recieving support from mental health services.
I really really hope things get better for you and that hopefully soon you can learn to love yourself. Life is worht fighting for, things CAN get better
xxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
I know exactly where you're coming from. My bmi is actually too high now. It has been this way for about a year and a half. I have hated the way i look for around 6 years now, and that included the time when i was underweight, because i still felt too fat. Looking back at old pictures though, i am desperate to be that thin again.
Honey, you are VERY beautiful. I always love it when you post pictures. Hang in there. I understand where you are coming from. And it is totally true that even if you aren't doing your old behaviors, you still struggling with the ED thoughts. Recovery is a long road, but it's worth it. I wish you the best. And I'm here if you need anything.
Jess x
I wanna stay inside all day
I want the world to go away
I've been skipping the odd meal, slightly reducing my intake and I binged yesterday. I've lost some weight. I burst into tears in front of a not even close friend yesterday because she asked if I was okay. I can't believe I did that.
I'm worrying about myself because sometimes it feels like nobody else will now.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I've been skipping the odd meal, slightly reducing my intake and I binged yesterday. I've lost some weight. I burst into tears in front of a not even close friend yesterday because she asked if I was okay. I can't believe I did that.
I'm worrying about myself because sometimes it feels like nobody else will now.
I always worry about you.
Try and hold on until I get there and we will come up with something. I promise I won't stop trying.
Just lots of things went wrong and it was really stressful and I think I got blamed (for a big thing) that actually wasn't my fault and the fact that me and anther girl who have not been properly trained were left pretty much to deal alone. Plus I managed to avoid a panic attack and get out of the shop at closing without breaking down then a guy I know asked me how the job was going and I burst into tears, without realising the people in charge were behind me so they saw me cry which is ****ing mortifying and I worked so hard to hide it and then they saw it anyway. I hate being a useless god forsaken **** up.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
You're not a **** up. It's perfectly okay to struggle your first few weeks. I think that's normal actually!
Well done on avoiding a panic attack, and so what if they saw you cry? They didn't know what it was about and you didn't do it in the shop so you weren't being unprofessional.
I'd ask for more guidance with whatever you were doing that you didn't have training in. No point struggling very time when you can ask for it to be explained. That's their wrong doing though, not yours.
