Not again.

PhoenixAshies · 06-10-2010, 05:56 AM

I don't know what's wrong with me.*

Lately, I've just been in a down sort of mood. I don't know why, I can't explain it. I'm functioning, doing everything I need to be doing, but I can't shake this depressed feeling. It's so ridiculous. I feel like such a child, whining like this over nothing. I thought I was more adult than this. *

And it's completely ridiculous, because I have nothing to really be depressed about! I have a job that I love, that pays the bills and leaves me with a bit left over; I have my niece and nephew, who are adorable and intelligent and light up when I get to come visit; I'm in relatively close proximity to my family and can see them whenever. I don't have any reason to be unhappy. And yet, here I am. I try to just talk myself out of it, to remind myself that things aren't terrible; with the exception of living with my jackass brother, things are actually fantastic. But it keeps coming back to wishing I could stay in bed all day (night?), not getting excited over anything, and sitting down in the Dispatch Dungeon at work, randomly crying (silently, cause of that whole talking on the radio thing). What's worse? I had been in recovery for over 2 years. The longest I've ever gone since I started to SI when I was 12. Now I'm worried someone at work will see. What do I do then? People who deal with crises every day are not supposed to do this!

I know, I know. I should take advantage of the insurance I now have and go see someone about it. I just don't have the money for prolonged co-pays and whatnot, not if I want my loans to be paid semi-on-time. Mainly, though, I don't know how that would look on my work record, especially if I get this job in Lynchburg that I'm going to apply for. What's worse, I'm starting to doubt my whole motive for APPLYING for said job. Am I doing it to truly advance my career, or am I doing it just because I want to start somewhere new?

Aaugh, shut up and get over it. There is no sense in this. Get over it. *

It's so stupid. And ridiculous. And I thought I had outgrown this.*

Sketchy · 06-10-2010, 06:46 PM

Hi, I know what you mean when you say you have nothing to be depressed about. I think like that a lot. I get so angry at myself for being the way I am. But, there is obviously something wrong, even if you cannot explain it. I think it's great how long you had been in recovery and it's good you can recognise these depressed feelings now because then maybe you can do something about it. Seek help now. You talk about taking advantage of insurance (sorry I don't know how things work where you are), so why not. Why not get help, look into it. As for the growing out of it, please do not feel like that. There is no shame in admitting you are struggling at any age.

Take care.
Sketchy.x

CagedBird · 07-10-2010, 12:40 PM

I don't think you always need something to be wrong in order to become depressed. I think in some instances there is a triggering situation, but in others it can simply be an accumalation of things.

I think trying to 'talk yourself out of it' is a positive idea, however if you trying to talk yourself outta it by calling yourself names and telling yourself 'to get over it', then i don't think it'll work. You can't change your feelings but you can accept them for how they are and find ways to reduce/help you cope with them.

What helped you start to recover last time? Is there anything that you can do that may help boost your mood? Maybe something as simple as taking a random day of work and taking your niece/nephew out for the day?

I don't think it is childish to feel down and not understand why. I'm sorry you're feeling that way and hope things improve for you.