Where do I go from here ... a ramble of sorts

FlightlessBird · 04-10-2010, 11:45 PM

Lately, I feel so...detached, ambivalent, apathetic...about everything. I struggled with SI for so long (and now have been SI free for about 2 years) and depression for most of my life that I honestly never thought I'd be alive today. I mean, I was in such a bad place in middle- and high-school that I honestly couldn't conceive of a future with me in it...and now that I find myself out of college it's like I'm in complete apathy about finding a job, going to grad-school, etc. Like, I know it's what I'm supposed to do and it's what I want to do I just have no drive to do it.

So I work retail and have been looking at grad-schools, but I guess I like my little dead-end comfort zone of working at a Michaels (arts and crafts store) and going no further. Of course to my parents this lack of drive just makes me lazy *sigh*.

I guess a part of me still thinks that I won't make it to whatever age. That I'll never be in a position where I'll have a permanent job, move into my own place, find a husband and have kids like I want to and am expected by all of society to.

Which brings me to not having had a significant other for...years. I mean, I'm pretty sure I don't know how to have a "normal" relationship as the only real relationship I've ever had was backwards. I mean we slept together before we were actually a couple and it was...I guess not the way it's "supposed" to develop. Anyhow, that relationship ending sent me back into a really dark place (mind you this was about 6 years ago) and then said ex used me to cheat on the girl he dated subsequently for about a year and a half before ignoring my existance. I guess I just lack closure on that front because one day we were friends and the next he would look right through me.

I mean, I have issues...and I know where they stem from. I know my thinking is often silly and not founded in reality, but it doesn't stop me from thinking and feeling the way I often do.

I used to be pretty darn overweight, hated my body, etc. and I've lost about a size and a half in the past 6 months but part of me still expects people to judge me like I look the way I used to. Like people will see through me and see how I used to be.

My parents are not supportive (about anything really)...mainly because they're, well, themselves, and I don't really talk to them about anything because of it. I'm adopted and I don't relate to them...at all. Never have. They just don't...get it...get me...get whatever there is to get about how I function. And recently I've been thinking about therapy, but that would involve telling my parents and talking to them about it...and they'd want to be involved and want me to talk to them about it and I'm so far from comfortable doing that that it isn't even funny...

My friends (all but...1-ish) live at least 250 miles away, so I have no social life. My life basically consists of eating, sleeping, the internet, tv, the gym, and work. And my gym is all women so no possibilities for relationships there.

I guess this being single for...forever...thing is what's really getting me down today and has prompted this ramble-fest that's now so long that if anyone actually reads the whole thing they deserve an award. I don't even know the point of typing all of this down...I just had to get it out...I feel like it's what I always have to get out because nothing in my life changes.

So if it's TL;DR, I completely understand...and if you made it this far...thanks.

pea soup · 05-10-2010, 01:41 AM

hi there,

just want to congratulate you on 2 years in recovery!! please be proud of that. its hard work!!
as for a relationship...things will fall into place when you least expect it. you have accomplished alot with finishing college and such all the while working on your illness. i think you just needed to get all that out. i hope it helped you :)

loves.
xxxxx

Sigma · 10-10-2010, 04:37 PM

I can't give you any useful advice about relationships, I'm crap at them too. All I can do is try & encourage you to value yourself for yourself - 2 year SI free is a huge achievement, you've taken steps to have a more healthy lifestyle by going to the gym, you've completed College and can obviously hold down a job and be responsible for yourself. Perhaps the next step is looking for friends rather than 'a relationship'? And could you do grad-school part-time & keep your 'comfort zone' (and we all need those) as a support base?

Try not to worry about all those societal expectations - they can be a trap and stop you being who you really are. I know it's hard to be 'outside' all that, I struggle sometimes, but I have also done a whole load of things (studying, travelling, meeting all sorts of unusual people) that I would had not had the time or focus to do if I had been in a relationship.