So, I'm back from uni. The trial started today I wasn't needed in court today so I don't know what's happened. Tomorrow however I am needed. I have also just found out that Sally the liason officer person who has been with me through the whole case and took my statements and stuff will not be there tomorrow. So not only no one is coming with me, I have no one that I know with me that I'll know. There's other witness care people at the court who will look after me but I really am all on my own.
I'm pretty stoned right now because I really don't want to be doing this. At least I don't feel much right now. I haven't been taking my meds however I think I will tomorrow I'll see. I dont know I'll decide at some point! I don't know what to do with myself at the moment.
I'm stating in the same place that it happened tonight. It's the only place I have to go. I don't want to be there.
I have been having really bad what I'd call body memories....
Ann, as horrible as it all is, this is the beginning of the end of it.
It is disgraceful that Sally will not be there thru this stage, not really sure why...but reach out to the other workers, they can and will help.
Ann, you will get thru this, that i have no doubt of. You are incredibly strong and brave to be doing this and following thru.
Pls keep us posted and pls lay off the drugs, tho i do understand the need....
You can do this.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
xxx
Ann FFS dont go down the getting stoned line and FFS take those bloody meds!
You need all the strwength and help you can get. I know its tempting to make things worse because you just dont know where to turn but please just DONT!
What you are doing is amazingly brave. Normal non MH issued people would be in a state too. so you have double the stress. dont make it harder for yourself. Try to be compassionate! imagine it was one of us. what would you say to us?
the liaison person isnt gonna be there but it doesnt means shes abandonned you. Its just shitty timing. I swear id go with you if i knew!! I really mean that too!
Be brave! I know it sounds silly but if you read this before you go try and take something comforting with you. A little teddy or some cloth or just anything that means "safe" to you. Take it and keep it with you. hold it and squeeze it when the pressure gets too much or you feel dizzy with anxiety.
BEST OF LUCK!
Its amazing you are going through with this. Also as romp says this is the beginning of the end!!!
LOve
xxxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
i just want to give you *gentle hugs* and to ditto what both above said.
you can definitely do this!!! you have proven time and again what you are capable of doing. please lay off the drugs and please DO take your meds.
tomorrow will be hard but so worth it in the end. the closure will be worth it!!
So it was all ****ed up today I really don't know why I'm doing this anymore. Because of something my mum said to my doctor in 2006 she might be needed as a witness. I would rather drop all the charges than get my mum involved. My mum probably isn't here now because of that comment or words in that comment that she used
Maybe I was really stoned last night because it wasn't body memories or they may be the result in having the worst period pains in the world. I can hardly stand and was lying on the floor most of the day.
Im on my last straw before throwing it all away because I can't deal with them bringing on my past with all of this because it it's not relevant.
Day two over. Was hoping it would be over by the end of today.
It's not. The defence still went against my wishes and told my parents. Yet even though that was all going on I still finished both my video statements and then got cross examined.
It was horrendous. She was making me feel guilty she was making me feel like it was all my fault. I know what I'm doing and it's the right thing but I don't want to be dealing with it anymore I just want it to be over. I'm not the guilty one here I shouldn't have to be doing this.
Day 3 over and I've been released from court!! Today was probably the easiest
Day out of them all. And Im feeling pretty positive about everything.
He admitted having sex in his statement and I've found put his version of events which were quite interesting. Answering the questions were really not hard mostly yes, no or I don't remember. There were also. Few things which they got wrong and stuff.
Like the fact I don't remeber him being in the house apart from about 30 seconds when I looked at him. They were trying to make out that I was a reckless drunk slut who goes around sleeping with people after Ive thrown up.
So I'm feeling pretty positive and they didn't ask me about details of what actually happened it was just previous "relationship" and stupid stuff out of the emails I gave them and my facebook status updates.
I really don't see how he will be not guilty however it doesn't matter to me. I have stood up for myself and told the truth. There is nothing else I can do. I feel amazing for what I have done! Hopefully I'll find out what the verdict is but it might be next week I find out!
I have anxiety when i read these posts. so god knows how you have coped.
I think what you have done is simple beyond words. I am so in awe and so proud of you i could poop myself!
As for them trying to make you feel guilty, well i guess thats the defendants job. they will fight to prove that it was not his fault and try to defend him. Its normal proceedure.
Im glad you dont have to go back. I really wish i could give you a huge hug and tell you face to face how brave you are.
Well done.
Much love
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
im sooo glad its over for you!!
and so proud and amazed at the strength you have.
and i hope with everything in me that that bastard gets what he deserves.
well done on getting through it, and standing up for yourself. Like Matthew says, trying to make you feel guilty is all they can do, you know the truth so don't let their lies mess you up
Ann, I'm so sorry I haven't been about, and I'm sorry the tril has been so hard.
BUT you have done so so so well, and I'm so proud of you! You'e come through so much, and you've got through this trial! I remember when you kept talking about dropping the charges, but you didn't! You stuck by your guns, and you are a shining example, here. I hope he does get a jail term, because, not only will it provide that closure you so desperately need, but it will provide that added push for any victims to go forward and press charges. I have everything crossed for you, hell knows you deserve the best result!
Thank you all for the messages. Sorry Havent Updated but there hasnt been anything to update really.
It was horrendous last week, the pain i was in, it was exhausting and horrendous. The fact they told my parents and then the stupid defence person brought my dad up and i was so close to getting angry and walking out of the court.
Its stupid i dont know why i was questioned for so long because i dont remember much! i just kept saying i dont remember, I dont remember.
But he's admitted having sex with me, so at least I now know he really did have sex with me. I dont know how that makes me feel. At least he's not denying it.
He should have been in court today being questioned. Hopefully by tomorrow I will know the verdict.
I will Keep you updated and let you know what happens. Thankyou all for the support it means a hell of a lot!
As snow leopard quite rightly says, it doesnt mean he didnt do it.. It simply means they didnt have enough evidence to prove it outright.
What you have done is amazing! Its shows strenght beyond anything i think you could possibly imagine. It will take time to sink in. It will take time to assess. It will take to to untangle all the thoughts that will be running around in your head. But ultimately i know you will be stronger from all this and things WILL get better.
You are an inspiration.
You are much loved too!
Matthew xxxxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Oh Ann, i'm so sorry. You must feel like it was all for nothing...... I get so angry on your behalf when i think of what you've been through and then he walks. I only hope this has scared him off from ever doing such a horrible thing again.
I am so proud that you went through all this. It shows true courage. It is such an amazing thing that you stood up for yourself and showed that no one should be taken advantage of. You can proud of yourself.
I know this is not the outcome that you, or we, have hoped for but i hope it somehow still brought a sense of closure for you. What you have been through, and are still going through, is gutwrenchingly painful and it is so unbelievably brave of you to have gone to the bitter end of a trial that you feared so much.
I hope you're as ok as you can be. Please let us know what we can do for you. I just wanted to say kudos for kicking some serious ass.
i am so so sorry Ann. and tbh...im fuming right now that this has happened. but the positive thing that came out of this is that you DID stand up for yourself and do what alot of women couldnt have. the rest was in the court's hands.
your hard work was not in vain.
Ann, im so sorry. But as said, you know he is guilty.
You were incredibly brave to continue on with this, despite wanting to walk away. You did it Ann.
I still say you have won something, despite the shitty verdict.
Let us know how you are ok?
Hope you are as safe and ok as possible.
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
