Do you remember when Vets was a place to give and get straight answers?
It saddens me that this seems to be rapidly dissapearing from Vets.
For a long time this was the place to cut out the softly solftly answers found on most of the site.
We would often warn people who were new that this was a place to get more truthful and straight forward replies.
Now sadly i see no difference here than anywhere else. The same watered down "easy to swallow" replies. Thats providing there is a reply of course.
You know the truth really does hurt, and when you start facing it, it really is the hardest part of recovery. Its SO easy to live in the illness and hear what you want. Its hard and painful and upsetting and unsettling to hear the truth.
Without reminders of the truth you lose reality.
Of course there needs to be compassion. Of course we need to trad lightly at times and ofcourse when someone just wants a hug we should give it.
Just not all the bloody time.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Whilst I'm not very active on here, I completely agree. I like the honesty, sometimes brutal honesty. However, the one thing stopping me being more active on here is that it is quite slow moving. Yes of course me not posting often doesn't help that.
People change. People are different at different times.
A forum shouldn't be one size fits all, just because it works for some people some of the time.
Vets isn't labelled the 'confronting forum'. Can you imagine if it was?!
Personally, I know I'm often too vulnerable to take confrontation, apart from from my therapist, and even then it can be a challenge. I would like that respected, not for a reply to barge through anyway.
It's a balancing act.
I believe, and have been trained to understand, defences need to be respected, approached with strong delicacy for a lot of people. Some people aren't ready at all. Blasting someone's defences can cause a hell of a lot of damage.
We don't want to scare people away.
/ex trainee therapist hat off.
and ex trainee therapist or not. Perhaps some time in the real world and not in a book will give a more rounded view point!
Yes its about balance. Give it a go. you may learn from it!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I agree with you. I belong to another site and feel I have to be careful how I respond on here, as my response would be different there i.e more honest.
I think if you want hugs then you should just ask for them.
I think if you want support then you have to accept the responses you are given as you never know there might be a solution in there if you are genuinely open to change.
Believe me, I'm in the real world. I just happen to have past real worlds from when I was abused, running concurrently in my head which can make life complicated for all concerned. I'm 'onto' them.
I'm learning. All the time. Every moment. I've been reflecting on and making shifts in my personal development ever since I did teacher training at uni and we had to write weekly learning logs.
Then, some years later, most of what I learned on therapy training was in interaction with real people in the group with me.
Just I do think, in general, it's important to say that, yes, be honest [although how can one be truly honest to someone one has never met in person and who one only 'knows' through a bunch of words on a screen....one is only honest to one reflection of the person, in a sense, to be pedantic] listen to replies, but the person posting does have the right of choice of what to take on board and what is too much at any one time. And, as an abuse survivor, if something hurts, or feels too much like the past re-occuring, we have a right to speak up and say so. The person posting has power. S/he is not in the power of those who reply. We all have freedom. Freedom does not mean holding another person in our power through our confrontation of them. Not saying that that happens always, but it can be a real felt sense for someone.
This is not a thread about me, however. I just felt it important to put my perspective forward from my wide experience and understanding.
I think that if people are going to be honest in their replies, there does need to be a bit of tact. Otherwise it comes across as just plain mean. I'm not saying we should sugar-coat anything though, not at all.
I do also think that if someone posts a thread then they need to ask themselves why they are posting. If it is for hugs then say so, if it is for advice be prepared to accept some. Of course it is their choice whether or not they do, but it gets tiresome to reply with advice just to be greeted with "but..." or "I can't..." without some decent reason behind it.
I think sugar-coating things all the time has gotten alot of people where they are today.....not being able to live in the real world where feeling get hurt.
I agree the truth hurts alot of times, but better to know what other people think.
This is the real world, and like it or not, most people really don't care why you are the way you are.
Nevermind...please don't get me on going about telling it like it is.
I really liked Vets for putting me in motion.
My first Vets post was about how I couldn't get a job, and instead of people saying "I'm so sorry. don't worry about it" Someone told me frankly that the job market was very competitive and instead of putting out an application here or there if I really wanted a job I had to apply apply and apply again.
It was because of this person that I now have a job because they didn't candy coat my problem and make it seem like i wasn't doing anything wrong.
Anyway. *steps off soapbox*
"Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice."-- E.M. Forster
I think if you aren't in a place to accept what advice people are giving then don't ask for anything other than hugs. That way you won't get disappointed when they don't give you the answer you want.
Last edited by startingagain : 03-10-2010 at 07:50 PM.
i mostly lurk but i thought i'd chime in too. i agree that there does seem to be a very big "softly softly" approach here. it's right that a more gentle answer is given on the other boards for the younger peeps, but it's a sad fact of growing up that you have to stand on your own two feet at somepoint.
my best friends are the ones who give me the straight answers.
Believe me, I'm in the real world. I just happen to have past real worlds from when I was abused, running concurrently in my head which can make life complicated for all concerned. I'm 'onto' them.
I'm learning. All the time. Every moment. I've been reflecting on and making shifts in my personal development ever since I did teacher training at uni and we had to write weekly learning logs.
Then, some years later, most of what I learned on therapy training was in interaction with real people in the group with me.
Just I do think, in general, it's important to say that, yes, be honest [although how can one be truly honest to someone one has never met in person and who one only 'knows' through a bunch of words on a screen....one is only honest to one reflection of the person, in a sense, to be pedantic] listen to replies, but the person posting does have the right of choice of what to take on board and what is too much at any one time. And, as an abuse survivor, if something hurts, or feels too much like the past re-occuring, we have a right to speak up and say so. The person posting has power. S/he is not in the power of those who reply. We all have freedom. Freedom does not mean holding another person in our power through our confrontation of them. Not saying that that happens always, but it can be a real felt sense for someone.
This is not a thread about me, however. I just felt it important to put my perspective forward from my wide experience and understanding.
I actually think living in the real world is being in the present and not over analysing every single emotion/feeling and relating it to your past.
Whilst i agree psychotherapy can be helpful, it can also be detrimental when your are psychoanalysing every single aspect of it, it forces you to live in the past.
I agree to disagree.
I stand by my beliefs, and that is my right. I know what works for me.
Straight doesn't necessarily mean tough.
When you touch where it hurts, yes, it hurts, but there are ways and means of doing that sensitively when someone is vulnerable.
But what your doing isnt working for you though is it? Not when you take into consideration the multiple posts that you post throughout this site.
If it was working for you, you would be out enjoying life.....
At the end of the day, people on this site seem to ask for advice, support but they arent willing to listen to it.
I have been wanting to say this stuff for a while. You are a prime example of having to have replies sugar coated Stellata, when they are not you get upset, say your leaving or that your too vulnerable.
But what your doing isnt working for you though is it? Not when you take into consideration the multiple posts that you post throughout this site.
If it was working for you, you would be out enjoying life.....
At the end of the day, people on this site seem to ask for advice, support but they arent willing to listen to it.
I have been wanting to say this stuff for a while. You are a prime example of having to have replies sugar coated Stellata, when they are not you get upset, say your leaving or that your too vulnerable.
Or you ask for advice and then end up psychoanalysing your own situation to death, relating it back to your birth etc. Its almost like you post not to get support from others but to somehow show how much insight you have into your own condition, cos I dont think you have ever listened to any of the advice you have been given.
I didnt want to make this personal but day after day i see the same ****, and you are one of the worst for it.
Sorry if this isnt sugar coated enough for you.....
My situation is my situation.
It's not something I can change overnight.
Please leave me alone.
This is NOT a thread to criticise me. You don't even know me, and I don't even know you.
Maybe I was wrong to join here for understanding, not advice, understanding.
But, you know, you got your wish, because I am seriously planning to leave RYL completely. Ganging up on me and cornering me like this is in no way helpful for my recovery. Because self criticism is one of the things I still struggle with and all this does is feed it.
Or you ask for advice and then end up psychoanalysing your own situation to death, relating it back to your birth etc. Its almost like you post not to get support from others but to somehow show how much insight you have into your own condition, cos I dont think you have ever listened to any of the advice you have been given.
I didnt want to make this personal but day after day i see the same ****, and you are one of the worst for it.
Sorry if this isnt sugar coated enough for you.....
This is completely unneccessary....there is absolutely no reason for you to become so personal with someone just because they post an opinion that isnt the same as yours.
Either this thread stops on personal attacks or it will be locked.
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
Would the answer not be to state in the first post what you wanted? So if you want hugs/advice/understanding, you say so. That way the replies can be tailored better.
Originally Posted by lostandalone3 Or you ask for advice and then end up psychoanalysing your own situation to death, relating it back to your birth etc. Its almost like you post not to get support from others but to somehow show how much insight you have into your own condition, cos I dont think you have ever listened to any of the advice you have been given.
I didnt want to make this personal but day after day i see the same ****, and you are one of the worst for it.
Sorry if this isnt sugar coated enough for you.....
This is completely unneccessary....there is absolutely no reason for you to become so personal with someone just because they post an opinion that isnt the same as yours.
Either this thread stops on personal attacks or it will be locked.
