I am carer to a mental health sufferer, let them (and me) down
Hi - new here, found this forum when looking for help. My name is Debbie and I care for my ex-partner, who had COPD and severe mental health issues, including depression, paranoia, psychotic and suicidal incidents, behavioural issues.....
Gosh where to start - well initially I am here for help - long long story but I lost my rag tonight and hit out at N - causing injury - and feel terrible.....It is just so hard to cope though at times - am sitting here crying wondering where to begin. there is so much to write.
N and I were partners for two years, he has / had a gambling addiction and a liking for alcohol, these things made him into a liar, he sold a lot of my stuff to facilitate that habit - anyway we were both working so - well you know. I did get so angry with him though. I never even got so much as a card for Xmas or birthday.....
N has been getting worse, illness and suchlike, he has COPD - still smokes, as well as severe mental health issues, he will not go out without me or the dog, hears and speaks to people that are not there, drinks with meds, still steals - ~I have to hide any alcohol in the house - not that there is much now.
Today 0 I have been working all week - despite only meant to work 16 hours now - but I was covering a sick colleague - I came home to find N was pissed, had wet on the sofa, overdosed again - only minor - and he proceeded to beg me for money for booze - well I was so tired, I snapped and grabbed the first thing I could - the pet cat furminator - its a brush with a blade, and whacked his hand with it, I saw the blood straightaway - I just left the room - to be honest I was and am mortified that I did it, but i was so tired and i get fed up with him begging.
not sure what i can do, i have an initial meeting tomorrow with a carer support worker, but what to say, do i tell her - to be honest i am so ashamed i lost control. I do care about him, he lives in my house still but in his own room, when I saw him later his hand was still blood streaked......
No doubt I will be berated, but i could really do with a little advice.....
I don't think anyone here will or needs to berate you, because you know what you did wasn't the right thing to do.
It sounds like N is very unwell, does he see a psychiatrist? It sounds like he may need some more intensive care, and that you definitely need some respite.
When you are looking after someone with high needs, you often neglect your own, whether it is your physical or emotional needs. You must be under an enormous amount of stress.
I hope your initial appointment goes well, is this the first time you've seen someone in regards to being N's carer? Is it just to support you or looking at some short term care for N?
You clearly regret what you did. Whilst it wasn't right it is easy to understand why you got to the end of your tether and lashed out.
I would advise you to be as honest as possible with the carer support worker. The more evidence they have that you are not able to cope with the situation the more likely that you will both get some extra support - and it sounds like that's needed.
In the longer term i think you should consider whether it is the right thing for the two of you to still be living together? Him being ill doesn't mean you have to tolerate all his behaviour. It is okay for you to consider your own mental health/wellbeing too.
By the way you may want to post in the "Veterans" forum too- weird name but "Veterans" is mostly for over 18's, the other forums are pre-dominantly younger people.
I agree with the other posts. Of course it wasn't right, but you obviously regret it so there is no reason to think of yourself as a horrible person. You seem to care quite a bit about him, but I do think you should consider if you really can keep being his carer. He may need a professional carer who doesn't have all the emotional ties you most likely have with him. I'd be honest with the support worker. They need to know you are having trouble handling him, and it's very understandable considering his behavior.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
Had the meeting today, and it was more productive than I thought it would be - we covered not only what I did - but how I cope, who I have to help me, and what is available to support and help me. I have been offered councelling should I need it.
I feel a bit more positive now, with how to move forward from this, and it became aparant through the meeting that I resent N for taking all my privacy and personal space - when he worked, I had the house to myself at times, now I cannot even take a call without him sitting listening. So, she is going to try to work with his team of support workers to get some sort of activities going if he is up for it. He does now have a phychiatrist, he has only seen N twice though so early days.
It was actually good to talk to her, I do not burden my friends too much, though one or two know the score - and she has referred me to a support group for women who live with someone with mental health issues.
Long term - not sure, but short term, I have to apply for carers allowance, and need to make time for myself, which I had not realised I was neglecting - there is a small group who work with people on hollistic stuff, herbs, meditation, that kind of thing - which sounds really interesting.
