How can I best support my friend who cuts?

justadude · 24-09-2010, 06:09 AM

Hi all,

I am a 20-something year old guy and my best friend/girl I completely adore just told me about her cutting/eating disorders last night. We have been involved in some way or another for about 4-5 years. I am one of 3 people that know about these habits.

She is in therapy though is currently refusing inpatient care.

She does not have a very good support network at all. She has a verbally abusive dad, an insensitive anger-problem boyfriend and very few friends.

To make all of this worse, despite the fact I would always be there for her no matter what in any situation ever, she lives say 1500 miles from me.

So basically, I just have a few questions.

First, how can I help her and be supportive. I am already a really good listener and we talk on the phone > 1 hour a day almost everyday but I just feel like there isn't really much I can do to help her with her anxiety and emotional overload when I am not actually there... Is having emotional support close by rather than only available by phone very important to the recovery process?

Are there any books you can recommend? I just ordered "Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation" by Steven Levenkron.

This post is going to sound tangenty, but, here is another question. I had seen signs of these behaviors as I have known her, but I think I just was optimistic and never assumed that there was actually a problem. One time when she was in town visiting and was at my house and i found a utility knife of mine that had fallen out of the pocket of her jacket. Is something like this a common practice? Is there any significance to the tool used for cutting?

I am trying to educate myself as much as possible. I want to be able to help as much as I can with her struggle. She means the absolute world to me and I want to be the best I can to help her.

Any information or resources or insight would be vastly appreciated. :)

Thanks so much.

Jessica5452 · 24-09-2010, 07:53 AM

Well i think the only thing you can really do is continue listening to her. Let her know that you aren't going anywhere and all you wanna do is be there for her. About taking your utility knife, I can't speak for everyone but for me it was and is a very common thing for me to do. I will take or attempt to take anything that I see that can be used as a tool. I've taken things from my dad, b my brother and friends,razors from my friends. If she ever comes to visit again, before she gets there scan your house or room for anything that can be used as a tool. Don't go overboard and hide the stake knives or anything like that but, just things laying out in the open, i would put up. Since you live so far from her there really isn't anything you can physically do for her but, psychologically and emotionally you could be a big help. I hope I help at least a little. Good luck with your friend. I hope she will be ok.

makedamnsure · 24-09-2010, 09:45 AM

You sound like you care a lot and are doing things right so far.

Firstly: DO NOT pressure her to stop, or give her any ultimatums "if you cut I won't speak to you" etc. They only make things worse. She will stop when she is ready.

Secondly: Encourage her to phone you when she is struggling. Do you email each other? I find its easier to write everything out than speak on the phone so perhaps thats something you could ask her to do when she wants to cut.

Thirdly: in answer to your question about tools. Some people prefer to use the same thing everytime. Others will use anything they can lay their hands on. Its quite common to steal a tool from family/close friends because it can be awkward buying them from a shop. But the depth and scale of the cuts has no bearing on how she is feeling, although is always risk of infection so encourage her to be safe and clean up afterwards.

What type of eating issues does she have?

You could do worse than point her in our direction for extra support.

JaffaCake. · 27-09-2010, 09:51 AM

It's always nice to know there's a decent guy like you around :)

Well done for being so calm and supportive of your friend when she told you of her troubles. She must trust you a hell of a lot to confide in you like that. I think what you're doing for her is amazing and just keep doing what you're doing. I'd agree with the above and tell her to contact you when she's feeling triggered or she's struggling. Even if you don't say anything back to her, at least she knows that someone will listen to her when she needs it.

For now, I personally wouldn't mention the knife. It may have just been a one-off thing but next time she comes round, just check your place for sharp objects but don't go to the extreme of removing everything!

This was a pretty pointless post but, I just wanted to add my two-pence worth :)
I hope your friend gets the support she needs.
Why not direct her towards RYL?

Take care,
Milly x

Katiee · 27-09-2010, 02:16 PM

It's great you want to help her as much as you can.
There is alot of information online too that you could read up on to help you understand self-harm. The best thing you can do is remind her you're there for her, even though you live far away from each other and that she can talk to you about anything(:
Remember to look after yourself too and also remember there is only so much you can do - so please don't beat yourself up. :D

Jessica5452 · 27-09-2010, 03:43 PM

I completely agree with Katiee. You have to remember that You can't save her. She has to save herself. Don't let yourself get caught up in the whirlwind of self harm. The most you can do is be her support not her savior.

Angel_Girl · 27-09-2010, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessica5452

You have to remember that You can't save her. She has to save herself. Don't let yourself get caught up in the whirlwind of self harm. The most you can do is be her support not her savior.

I couldn't agree more. Don't give in to the temptation of trying it yourself.

ProzacSmile · 27-09-2010, 09:44 PM

My boyfriend found that book very helpful