Contains alcohol - Living with an alcoholic partner
Can anyone relate to this? I am finding life very difficult at the moment.
I am 23, I have been with my fiancé for nearly 6 years and we have a 2 year old daughter together. He also has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship who lives with us.
J has always had a problem with alcohol, since before I was around. It concerned me, but up until I had my daughter it didn't cause me a great deal of problems. This was because we both worked full time, had our own lives and alcohol was something that we often drank together when we had a day off the next day. We didnt have children together yet, and his son didnt live with us at the time.
But after I had my little girl things obviously changed - they do when you bring a child into it. I was also no longer working as I was caring for her and his alcohol habits began to worry me more.
Things werent too bad until recently though, he had blips in which he would normally upset me badly in one way or another with his drunken behaviour, but those occasions were few and far between. in the last couple of months though, hes been drinking once or twice a week, to an unhealthy level. he drinks so much, i dont think i could drink half of what he does and stay conscious. and i am always left to look after the kids while he does this, while he spends money we do not have.
hes hurting me badly. and he keeps telling me he is sorry, that he will make it up to me, that it wont happen again. and it does. i dont trust my fiancé anymore. yesterday he lied to me about how much he drank, then slipped up about it. i told him again he was hurting his family but he seemed to think it was my fault, i was over reacting. and we havent spoken since dinner time last night.
i dont want to leave him. but i just dont know how to do this. i am struggling with my own mental health, having this on top - not to mention hes bipolar - and the kids and we have just moved to a new area, im just not coping with this at all.
i feel really alone.
"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you" - Dr Samuel Loomis
i can understand how frustrating this is for you right now. i think you need to sit him down and have a very serious conversation with him. find out why he is turning to alcohol again and let him know that although things need to change you are there to support him.
It's fairly common for alcoholics and addicts to blame others for their actions. Talking to him may help, and you may succeed in getting him to seek help, but ultimately if he isn't ready to stop, there's nothing *you* can really do. Supporting him if he chooses to seek help is huge, but remember that you can't do this for him. And I keep saying seek help instead of "quitting drinking" because true alcoholics can rarely stay sober based on knowledge and willpower alone. I know that was certainly the case for me.
The way you're feeling is also common. If you're already in some form of therapy, talking about it there may help. Something else to look into is Al-Anon, which is basically AA for the family and friends of the alcoholic, whether they are still active in their addiction or are in recovery. Instead of being powerless over alcohol, Al-Anon says that you are powerless over the alcoholic. Hearing from others in the same situation as you and how they deal with it may help you better deal with yours.
"If your pictures aren't good enough, you aren't close enough." -Robert Capa
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss
i guess i do shellz, but right now i cant even look at him. we still havent really spoken, he hasnt even apologised for getting drunk yet again while im at home holding this family together. he seems to think because hes not violent or drinking every day that its not a big deal. but its a very big deal to me. im constantly left holding the baby so to speak, while he goes out and acts like a teenager.
i know he needs help for sure HoiSinSex (sorry i dont know your name) and i recently got him to attend an AA meeting. unfortunately, he didnt return claiming it wasnt right for him as all the people who went were die hard drinkers who drank morning noon and night, and he is 'just' a binger. I have been thinking about this Al-Anon thing...i know they hold a meeting about 12 miles from me once a week. i wonder if i have the courage to go.
i have been speaking to my CPN about it, and i was quite upset because i got the distinct feeling she didnt think our relationship would survive. she kept saying things like 'if you do end up on your own' and i just feel like we are stronger than that...if only we could just get past this. we have been to hell and back with a few things over the last 6 years and we have come out the other end, i dont want this to beat us.
"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you" - Dr Samuel Loomis
I didn't drink every day either (although from the sounds of it, I did drink more often than your fiance), but when I did drink it was usually until I reached total oblivion - a binge drinker. I enjoyed the taste of alcohol, but the point of my drinking was simply to get drunk. I know many people in the program who never drank daily.
Alcoholism is progressive, so I'm sure I wasn't far off from drinking daily, and probably in the morning, too. What I felt qualified me as an alcoholic (and really, he is the one who has to decide whether he is or not) is that once I began drinking, I rarely could control how much I drank, and that I experienced the phenomenon of craving. I would regularly decide before beginning to drink that I would only have one or two, and almost always ended up drunk. When I wasn't drinking, I often thought about it. My understanding is that these things don't happen to "normies," but then again I wouldn't know. I would try to see if your fiance is willing to try going to a couple different AA meetings around town. You don't always find one you like right from the get-go.
"If your pictures aren't good enough, you aren't close enough." -Robert Capa
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss
thats what he is like, he cant stop once he starts. he admits he has a problem, has never hid that, but seems to avoid getting any help. his drinking was worse in the past and i have seen him suffer hallucinations as a result of detox.
three weeks ago i kicked him out for the night after he spent the day drinking. i dont want to go into numbers as i dont think its allowed, but lets just say he spent more on alcohol in one night than i normally spend on a weeks worth of food shopping for a family of 4. he just cant keep a lid on it, he has to keep going and i feel so sad watching him line up rows of empty cans on the table when hes drinking at home.
we have recently moved to a really rural town in the country so there is really only one AA meeting available here...i guess i will try to persuade him to give it another chance, whenever we start speaking again.
"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you" - Dr Samuel Loomis
I just want to send you some major hugs & TLC.
I'm so sorry you're in this position.
It sounds awful.
I can relate, my mother has been an alcoholic for years, & my Fiancee is dependent on alcohol too(however we don't live together atm), but it can be so extremely difficult to be in that situation, so you have my sympathy & you can always PM me & talk to me.
xx
Yeah i lived with my ex and he was an alcoholic.He used get up in the morning ,disappear fro days and be carried home by one of his loser friends.
he beat the crap out of me ,nearly left me for dead one night on the street only two guys pulled him off me.I never got an apology ever for his behaviour.He thought I was the one with the problem.
I know you have a child but if he doesnt do something about his drinking I would leave him .I had to do it ,I had to leave my job ,my friends everything .I still dont see my frineds after everything that happened .he ruined my life .
Its hard but he needs to sober up as he has kids and they must come first here.Especially the money hes spening if you have rent and stuff ,is not on either.
I swore I would never go out with a drunk again
I hope you be ok.Ih he has the dts ,hes in a bad way .
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
I would try to see if your fiance is willing to try going to a couple different AA meetings around town. You don't always find one you like right from the get-go.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
