Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Alabama , USA
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I don't want to lose her...I don't want to lose me either (long, rambling, and possibly triggering)
(I wasn't sure where to put this, sorry if it's in the wrong place.)
Tonight I am alone. Alone and scared. And very, very worried.
Tonight my wife is also alone, in a way, and probably very scared. Tonight, my wife is hospitalized.
I don't even know if this post is about me, or her, or us, or which issues or...well...I just don't know much right now.
I'll explain....
My wife is very unwell. She is an alcoholic. She is also bipolar, has an (obviously uncontrolled) unspecified anxiety disorder, and has PTSD (years in an abusive relationship, then being drugged, abducted, held against your will for a week, taken cross country and raped repeatedly by someone you thought was your friend..yeah, that'll do that). She is in therapy, on medication, and in recovery. At least, she was. For weeks now, she's been telling me that she felt something bad coming on;that she was scared and anxious and thought she might be headed for a break. I tried to be there for her, but we're both going through a lot and she can't tell me what I can do to help, only that she wants me to fix it. She wouldn't call her AA sponsor. Our very nice, but extremely overworked, therapist said to get to the hospital if she felt that she might harm herself. Yesterday morning she started drinking. (just 2 to calm her nerves, then just 2 more because someone came over and messed up her buzz, etc.) She drank for about 24 hrs straight. No food, no sleep, just alcohol. She had flashbacks, she blamed me, insulted me, pushed every button I have, she yelled for hours on end with no one else even in the room with her. I left her alone. Usually, when this type thing has happened before, having and "audience" just encourages her to get meaner, louder, and sometimes violent. Around 9 or 10 last night, she texted me from the other room; something about how I wish I could do what she just did to get relief, something out "blood" and "sting". I checked on her. She had made a few small cuts on her upper forearm. I took the knives from the room, asked her if we could talk or if there was anything I could do to help, she began yelling and cursing at me again, so I shut the door and went back to the living room. she yelled and cursed a lot throughout the night, mostly at me, though I wasn't in the room and didn't respond. Around 6:30 this morning, there was a knock at the front door. I was a bit startled. It was early and she had been pretty quiet for the last hour or so. I was hoping that she was finally resting a bit. No such luck. It was the police at the door. She had called them herself, to tell them that she had cut herself and that she wasn't safe here. She also told them to be careful because the person answering the door (Me) might have a knife. She mumbled something to the cop about me not letting her breathe, then stumbled out to the ambulance. Apparently, once she got to the hospital, she changed her mind and didn't want to be there. Finally, they convinced her to stay voluntarily because otherwise they would just get a petition holding her there, indefinitely.
I was able to see her this evening. She is very sick, physically. She has Hep C and when she's detoxing it can be pretty bad. She did at least hug me, but there was a sort of sad resignation behind it. She is still blaming outside situations for her episode. (yes, there are issues with the kids and family and finances but every family, everybody, has problems-that's life-better coping skills are needed)
So she is in the hospital, for a few days at least. I know she's scared and hurting and probably still a little angry. And I just want to hold her and make it all okay. But I'm here, alone, worried to death about her and trying to deal with my own issues. I haven't cut or burned or even hit anything in months, but the urge is definitely there. I'm struggling. I'm hurting so bad, both because of things she said to me that will never go away and because I can't be there for her and help her through this.
And to add to the stress, there's the possibility of her going to jail when she does get out of the hospital because, by drinking at all, let alone involving the police, she is in violation of her Court Referral Program that she is on because of a DUI she got last year when she wrecked our jeep.
I don't know what to do. I know what's tempting. And I know I would end up in a hospital as well. I have kids to tend to, bills to pay, people (including her) who depend on me, I have to hold it together. Or at least pretend to.
So I'm writing this very lengthy post and leaning on you guys while I listen to our wedding cd and avoid sharp objects, just trying to make it through.
I'll probably drag a blanket to the couch in a while (and maybe bring her teddy bear to keep me company) and try to rest a little. I can't bear to spend the night alone in our bed, especially knowing how badly she needs me right now. But tomorrow is another day and there are things that must be done. Life goes on whether I feel like participating or not. And I'm still responsible for taking care of things. So, yeah, it's almost like 2 voices in my head arguing. One says "go ahead, cut, you'd feel better, then cover your head and hide for a while, you can't fix things anyway, and it's probably your fault anyway, you just make things worse, just quit" and the other voice says "stop that damn whining! you are an adult! you have responsibilities! suck it up, deal with it and keep going!". Oh, balance must be an awesome thing. I just wouldn't know.
Anyway, I've whined quite enough. Thank you for tuning in, this has been Bayn's pity party. Have a good night now! :)
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