Contains Abuse - Knocked down

~*Dare to Dream*~ · 07-09-2010, 12:39 AM

Well it's been a while! I guess at the moment I don't know what else to do.

Everything just all seems to happen at once.
My ex boss who is also a "friend" really doesn't help me. We went out for lunch and she brought up about the r*** which I didn't really want to talk about she was just trying to be nice in reality but she really doesn't say the right ****ing things.

She brought up the fact that I had pissed other people off at work because of the lack of work that I had done at times, haha yeah not ****ing suprising maybe I should have just given up and got signed off work by the doctor like he suggested several ****ing times.

She also said she had been asked to be a character witness for "him" and she's said no, that's fair enough but then turning around and saying that she would not be able to stand up in court and doesn't know how I am going to be able to do it or cope with it is beyond her... Thanks for knocking every last shred of confidence out of me.

Then, she also then proceeded to prettying tell me that he's going to walk away and that I HAVE to speak to her afterwards before I do anything stupid like commit suicide.

Before I had this conversation with her I had pretty much forgotten about the trial and was getting excited about starting uni next week. I was feeling strong, I was feeling good about myself for the first time in ages. Now I feel like ****, i feel Like i have been knocked down a thousand steps.

I have been sat here crying, looking at my blades, staring at my stash of pills. I had been happy for the last two weeks and now I'm on a mess again.

When will this rollercoaster stop? I just want to get off!

Margo · 07-09-2010, 11:12 AM

Before I had this conversation with her I had pretty much forgotten about the trial and was getting excited about starting uni next week. I was feeling strong, I was feeling good about myself for the first time in ages. Now I feel like ****, i feel Like i have been knocked down a thousand steps.

Now imagine the feeling a week before the trial.

I think this experience with your friend is a good one. You probably wont agree but none the less i feel its positive.

Firstly i do believe she was trying to be nice. Its a subject many would shy away from and im afraid that only the most skillful of diplomats could broach this gently without putting their foot in it.

Secondly i think this incident shows that you still have much mental preparation to do before you tackle this. what yesterday has shown you is that simply forgetting is not enough and will never be enough. your friend has shown you a gllimpse at what can and will happen if you dont do some work on yourself to prepare for the trial ahead.

You dont know what will happen at the trial. Some walk and some dont. You simply have no way of knowing. You can prepare yourself for all outcomes however. Ofcourse you wont be able to plan for everything but you can start getting a support mechanism built up around you and plan healthier methods of coping.

Yesterdays experience although horrid can be seen as something positive. See it as a warning you need support.

You are incredibly brave. It is incredibly hard. The fact is that many many people wouldnt be able to do what you are preparing yourself for. Why do you think soooo many women and men dont press charges.....FEAR! what your friend expressed was normal and natural. Your interpretation had shaken your confidence when infact she was actually complimenting your bravery!

Much love and huggage

Matthew xxx

p.s. raaaaah

~*Dare to Dream*~ · 10-09-2010, 10:19 PM

Your words make sense, she was probably only trying to help just I don't like people trying to help. I don't know at the moment where my mind is, I'm nearly moved in to uni well Sunday I move in and I guess it's starting to hit me the enormity of what is going on. My friends aren't going to be around and I'm going to have to somehow manage to get through the next few weeks first.

I think I've already decided that when I get there I'm going to try and sus out the uni counselling service and see what happens with that. Maybe it is time to start preparing myself or at least attempting to as I really don't know how I am going to cope.

He almost stopped me applying to uni, yet I am moving in Sunday.
He almost stopped me doing me level 2 coaching assessment yet I passed easily with no problems.
He almost stopped me working, I did loose one job but kept the other.

I can't fight this, although i have a horrible feeling of what i might attempt if he walks away free.

I don't know ive been feeling quite removed and isolated from myself in a permanent state that I'm not me. Maybe I should start takingy meds again - I just don't know where I have packed them!!

pea soup · 13-09-2010, 11:09 AM

all i can do is repeat what Matt said.

all you can do is try your best. that sounded so cliche, im sorry. i just dont have much to offer.

much love
xxxxxxxxx

~*Dare to Dream*~ · 14-09-2010, 11:24 PM

I really dont think I can do this anymore. I really don't.
****ing found out that when im supposed to be going to the outdoor centre with uni its the week of the trial... which means I can't go.

He's ****ing still stopping me doing **** that I want to be doing. He's still haunting me, He's still following me around. He's still ruling my life. I cant be dealing with this anymore.

My head feels like its going to explode, It feels like its going to burst it feels like someones put it in a vice and is squeezing and squeezing it. I WANT THIS ALL TO STOP.

I cant do this anymore. its getting closer and closer by the day and i just cant do it. I want to hurt myself so much but just cant. I cant risk it. im fighting deamons and battles and feel like im loosing.

Why does he haunt me? What if he walks away?
I cant cope. I just want to disappear.

pea soup · 15-09-2010, 08:38 PM

*gentle hugs*