Im sorry...I know i dont post here anymore but i am really struggling with thoughts of suicide. I have a date. But my thoughts are all over the place. but i have my pills saved up and im ready..
It feels like ive trapped myself into doing this and i cant get out of it. I do wonder about going to see my doctor and ask him to keep me safe until the date has passed..but then do i really want to be kept safe?
I think im scared. What if i succeed? what if i dont?
It really feels as if its something I HAVE to do now because i would be letting myself down if i didnt.
It HAS to be that date, not before, not after
Ive never od'd with these pills and ive read up on them and I know its dangerous...I just didnt think it would come to this
maybe I need to see my doctor
its coming upto three years anniversary of when my friend took her own life after her daughter died in the same way 5 weeks earlier..
Its not even that I want to follow them though i miss them both terribly. But its something Jo, my friend said to me just before she took her life. We spoke on the phone and she told me that ''things would get better'', that ''it would all be ok''....maybe she was right..maybe things are better for her now and maybe things can be better for me too
I really hope this doesn't sound like a cheap shot, hun. But what if your children felt the same way after you died, and they tried to kill themselves or hurt themselves? Your death would be tragic for them, for your family, and for us.
Please. At least try and see your GP and tell him what's going on. Maybe you need someone to take that decision away from you if you don't feel able to go against this decision. I know how it is to trap yourself into such a plan. But there are ways of working through it.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I really hope this doesn't sound like a cheap shot, hun. But what if your children felt the same way after you died, and they tried to kill themselves or hurt themselves? Your death would be tragic for them, for your family, and for us.
Please. At least try and see your GP and tell him what's going on. Maybe you need someone to take that decision away from you if you don't feel able to go against this decision. I know how it is to trap yourself into such a plan. But there are ways of working through it.
I agree.
I would sorely miss you hun but that would pale into insignificance as compared with the feelings of your own children and family.
Please go see your GP now.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I know and ....oh ****, i know
I just cant or dont want to face upto things
Everything is too painful
I may try to get an appointment tomorrow with my gp
But then i dont want to be stopped
I dont want to be made safe
But, in a strange way, i want him to know
Hes the only one I tell all to
I guess I trust him
I dont have a therapist anymore, I stopped seeing her
Its just me and my doc now, It feels kind of lonely
I guess im scared...
I was counting them today and didnt realise quite how many i had saved
I bet he will be angry with me..i dont do anger
I just want him to listen, so he knows and then let me walk free
things are just so bad here
I love my hubby dearly
But hes putting pressure on me to do things which normal married couples do...but which i dont. Im scared to. Im petrified of that part of the body.
Its our wedding anniversary today and I know what he is hoping for...I just cant....it will feel like being raped all over again
Im not at work and havent been for almost three years. Theyve ''let me go now''..i guess im unemployable
I spend all my benefit money on clothes that i dont wear because I am so ****ing huge I look awful in them...but just for an instant whilst im ordering it makes me feel happy....is it really worth it?
and now hes just caught me pouring a huge drink alcoholic drink...something else that brings a very short term happiness
I just cant live with all of this crap piling up on me
im in debt
i drink to excess
im bulimic(non purging)
im married and refuse to have sex
and do you know what??
My life consists of going to bed at 10pm...sleeping til 2pm the next day and spending my awake hours on the sofa
Life is **** and i can hear you saying ''well change it''....well I cant
I dont have the want, the motivation or the ebnergy to
I hate being awake...I hate living my awake hours...I would rather sleep all the time and never wake up to face all the crap
It's really important that you talk to your GP. There is no way back from death, it is final. You can't decide to come back and see what life has to offer but if you live then death will always be there as an option. You'd be letting yourself down if you didn't fight for contentment in life. Do you know what is causing you to have these thoughts? Please stay safe and take care. I'm here if you need to talk.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Im going to try to get a doctors appointment for tomorrow
Not for him to try to put me off or anything
But i have noone else to talk to and i need to verbalise it with someone in real life.
If he tries anything funny, I will be out of there like a shot
I just need to be heard and understood that this isnt some crazy idea
That its for real
If they try to palm you off make sure you tell them it is urgent and you can't wait. If you can't see your GP you should go to A&E to see the on duty psych.
Rowie I love you hun as many people hun and I want to see you get better.
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Well, I saw my doctor this morning and he has now referred me to the crisis team. So I am sitting here waiting for a phonecall. I didnt want this. I dont want fuss or interference..I dont want to be stopped. I just needed my doc to know, I needed to verbalise things and hear it said out loud...I almost see him as a friend as ive been seeing him for over 6 years now...but as a doctor, he said he had to see things through...he said its either that or section me on the date i have have in mind
I doubt the crisis team will ring me, they never do...it normally angers me when they dont, especially when they have said they will...but i dont care this time. I dont want to be called. I dont want anyone to stop me
oh my sweet sweet rowie, im so sorry i missed this and im so sorry i havent been there for you, let them take care of you, let them keep you safe for you, for your children, for your hubby and for me.
Your friend, was so so sad and unwell when her daughter died, i could see her pain just from what ive seen but can you imagine her pain if she thought she had caused someone else to do the same? please rowie my darling, you take care my sweet xxx
Rowie bollox to the crisis team, bollox to it all, go to a & e, please my love, i couldn 't bear for anything to happen to you my darling, go to them tell them, demand attention, print this out so you don't have to speak to them, please my love, you need to be taken care of xxx
Im so sorry...I really didnt expect any of my bpd friends to read this which is why i put it in vets...I love you all somuch, and I thank you xx
I have to go to a and e...ive done something bad to my arm
It spurted and shocked me
I will go and if they ask if i want to see the crisis team I will say yes
I promise
Hi...sorry its taken a while for me to update, but i didnt get out of hospital til 2.30am and didnt wake up til 2.30pm.
Its all a bit of a farce really. I got my arm seen to, and ended up seeing the crisis team whom my doctor had refered me to. I chatted with them for ages and told them the truth about everything. They let me home saying they would refer me to the cmht.
Spoke to the cmht on the phone today and told them as much as i could and they said they would get back to the crsis team....Ive been here before where they pass me from pillar to post and its not a good feeling to be unwanted...it doesnt do me alot of good.
Anyhow, Just got off the phone from the cmht who said that they will be discussing me in a meeting tomorrow, which means the crisis team dont want anything to do with me either.
I do care because it hurts my feelings, but then......
Rowie sweetheart *massive hugs to you* im so sorry ive only just seen this all.i really am so sorry.i wish you had text/PM'ed me with all this - i really want to be there for you but i also know its hard to have energy etc right now.
im going to message or PM you now [depending on if i see you online].This is all really serious and well done for talking to your doc.Please wait and see how the meeting goes tomorrow.
They are letting you down.
You need better care.And i really hope that they can give it.
Well done to you for posting this, getting this out here - i know its hard for you.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
