I feel like because im not ill anymore i dont have a right to make posts. I feel guilty. I feel like i should be strong and set examples.
Today and for the past few days ive been struggling. Perhaps its just normal emotion but it hasnt felt like it.
Things this week have set me off. I feel useless, increasingly more alone and just low.
On tuesday i had a preparation for interview course to attend. I just felt like a failure in there. They spoke a lot about certain workplace practices and it made me really anxious. IT also made me sad to realise that here again i am in this dreadfu situation.
I aqm waiting to hear about this possible job oportunity. I got a call on Friday from my OT daying shes going away till the 16th Sept. No word of whether the people had been in touch. So i guess thats out of the window now.
Im staying at fr4iends. First time ive seen them since last november. I feel lonely here. They have left for work each day and im alone here. Todayim locked in cus they are too stoned and forgot to leave a key. LAst night my mate went out without me. No thought for the fact he hasnt seen me in almost a year.
Ive had a hard therapy session. Ive had suicidal thoughts again.
Im trying to salvage a friendship with someone who is making it increasingly difficult for me to try.
The loneliness is hurting really badly.
I dont thinkn i deserve help. I made pretty much all of this happen. I dont know how to change it.
RIght now id rather die as i really cant see a change.
I know this is just a stupid pathetic moan. Im really sorry.
I know im useless and i know deep down i deserve all that i get and more.
The bad ive done can never be outwieghed by any amount of good i try to do.
my life is **** and piss................
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Hi Matt You are not useless and you do not deserve what is happening for you right now at all. You have said wise words to me on here and the way you reach out and care about others and make people laugh shows the essence of who you are. Please like you said to me don't give up and don't let the bastards grind you down because if they are treating you badly it says a whole lot more about who they are than what you're worth. i don't easily want to communicate with anything male so there must be something good about you or I would have read this and thought so what but instead I thought I would reply. Maybe it's your penguinness that is so attractive! Seriously you would be missed on here so please keep going! Love from Snow Leopard although I realise I should be eating you instead I will roar at anyone else who treats you badly and that's a promise!
hey matthew,
you are none of those nasty things you say about yourself. in fact you are quite the opposite. you have helped me and many others whether it be by humor or the way you speak reality. the reality here is you have times that you struggle just like many others. it doesn't mean you deserve others to treat you poorly. it doesn't mean that you are destined to a lifetime of feeling like this. therapy is supposed to be difficult, especially when you are starting to come out of the "fog" that depression casts. its like the fog starts to lift and then you realize how ill you were and how far you've strayed from what you once were. the good news is that it won't feel that shitty forever. eventually things will get better as long as you continue to fight for it.
i think your friend is being insensitive to your needs and that's not your fault. Could you tell your mates how you are feeling about this visit?
i hope i don't sound like i am preaching to you because that is not my intention. i am struggling myself and i find that trying to help others takes my mind off of myself. i am glad you posted about it. keep talking, don't let the negative ***** fester.
thank you. Ive just driven back home. As soon as his gf got back i left. Im now sat in kfc gorgingmyself on chicken alone. God i kove the weekend.
Sorry
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I know I don't really know you, but I do know that you have helped so many people here. A bad person wouldn't bother. To forgive ourselves what we have done (or think we have done) is often the hardest thing. We are our own worst critic. What you see of yourself is rarely what your friends see.
I'm sorry that this reply is a bit crap, but I just wanted you to know that I read and care.
3 days of shitty things to make me feel less and less worthwhile.
My mate has really upset me.
On thursday i had a really hard session in therapy. I realised that im not as moved on as i thought. That was a hard pill to swallow. For the first time in months i imagined myself strangling myself aged 5. Its a recurrent image i would have previously. If see myself as a little kid and id be strangling it and shaking it and hitting and trying to kill it.
Well it came back in the session and she asked me to make it sit next to me and tell her what i saw. It was horrible. I couldnt look. Its face was all eaten away or smashed in or something gross. I could see a pic of the child in the distance and when it got closer it got all blurred.
She said i cant bare to see myself.
you wouldnt either if you saw thru my eyes.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
That's what I mean, you see a different version of you than what your friends see. You see all (only?) the negativity, whereas friends see the bigger picture, they see you for you and like you for who you are.
Claire's right hun. It's what I was trying to tell you last night.
If it helps, you're lovable to a lot of people here. We care about you.. *cuddles*
xoxo
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I had more encouraging words or sound advice, but all I can offer is support and the promise that I'm here should you want to talk.
Stay safe *hugs*
"And I know it aches, and your heart it breaks,
You can only take so much
Walk on..."
Why cant i just get up and go out? I mean i NKOW its good for me, its gonna maike me better and feel well and stop all this shitness and still i dont ****ing move. I still sit inside on the ****ing PC vegitating.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I know the feeling Matthew *hugs* unfortunately sometimes is harder to do the things that are best for you and procrastinating about that kind of stuff is rediculously easy.
Next time you need to go shopping you could always walk, though that really depends on how far you live from said shops. It makes it a bit easier to get going on that walk when you know you have to go out.
Btw, I heard that growl all the way over here! :P
xx
I just found out shes Self harming. Shes 24. I cant believe it. I found out via text from her. i went kinda mad at her. I cant be all kind and compassionate about this. shes seen the ****ing mess ive made of myself. How the **** can she do this??
This is just all too ****ing much. This family are ****ed!! THANK GOD i never grew up with them.
Jesus ****ing christ what else is gonna happen.
Please someone just get me away from here.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Maybe you need to sit down and talk to her about it? Find out why she feels the need to hurt herself and let her know that it won't do anything to help how she feels in the long run. Even let her poke around RYL a bit so she can see for herself just how bad it makes other people feel. She'll probably listen more if you're calm. Going nuts at her will only make her feel worse, you know that. Give her the information she needs to make an informed decision about what she's doing. And if you dont feel you can talk to her calmly right now, there are heaps of people here that could help you out.
*cuddles lots* Not having any siblings, I can only imagine how you must be feeling but I'm here if you need anything.
xxx
I dont want to talk to her. I just dont. she knows all about me and my SH. shes seen it all.
You probably think im a selfish ****. i dont care. Shes my sister and im ****ing angry with her. All ive done since ive lived here is help them all with their ****.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Have you ever seen the movie....LIAR, LIAR?
For one day the man could not tell a lie about anything.
Some days I really wish I was like that...just one day.
"Is this ok for dinner?" yes that is fine....
Instead....Hell no, I'm tired of eating slop everynight.
"How are you today?"....I'm OK, and you?
Instead....Really want to know, I'm f'cking horrible...never felt worse...wish this was the last day of my life.
"Your sister is not feeling well today"...Anything I can do?
Instead...So f'cking what, I have't been feeling well for years and no one cared, so I really don't give a ****.
"I'm having a bad day"...Sorry to hear that, hope it gets better.
Instead...You're having a "bad day"...first, you have no idea what a bad day even is....I'm having a bad life, so deal with it.
"Things will get better"...Thank you,I'm sure they will.
Instead....No they f'cking won't..they haven't for years and I don't see it anytime in the near future anyway.
Just so many things in our daily lives we say and do...just build up like a valcano of lies. Once we think about it (or me anyway) it infuriates me to no end.
It makes me so mad at myself for not saying what I would like to.
Now penguin, I'm sure you are alot like me. Hating every word that comes from my mouth...but doing the same day after day.
Maybe one day we will ge brave and unleash our real selves, but until then...keep your chin up, you are not the only depressed loon running around out there.
OK...so this had nothing to do with the topic, I just wanted to ramble.
Hope we all start to see a glimmer of hope soon.
I dont want to talk to her. I just dont. she knows all about me and my SH. shes seen it all.
You probably think im a selfish ****. i dont care. Shes my sister and im ****ing angry with her. All ive done since ive lived here is help them all with their ****.
I don't think you're selfish but i'm not so sure your anger is directed at her as much as it is at yourself. Perhaps you're projecting your own angry feelings onto her? You are very hard on yourself at times.
I know this is from a while ago and i don't want to trigger anything again but I understand that image of strangling the child, except in my head its a newborn. I've not told my therapist this yet and i'm not sure if I will. I think it is really brave of you to even attempt to look at the child image. It must have been truly terrifying. <-- i think those words are a bit weak!
Lonliness is the devil in disguise, i understand completely but don't know how to fight it because to do so takes energy which often feels a million miles away.
