i've tried everything recently and its not working...as a last minute plea to my doctors i wrote a piece of writing to them... they threw it back in my face... its as if 'yes we know you're in pain but we're going to do f*ck all' they were snotty to me and talked to me like i was a thick piece of crap... i wind up becoming paranoid as to whether they believe what im saying... that they dont give a crap..or it just proves to me that theyre part of the plans. i wound up being found covered in blood after hitting my face repeatedly against a wall.. this was after i realised nothing was going to happen, i was very angry at the doctors (although the way they did talk to me was just like my mother so i do wonder whether that was it...) and i cant handle anger well..i was restrained and forced to take lorazepam before being left alone... no-one bothered talking to me infact they left me alone for a further hour and a half inwhich i only did more damage. Im self harming at an enormous rate not like i've done in quite a while its not necessarily bad just out of control, my mum was horrifies at what id done to myself and is now ignoring me. No-one listens... actually only two people do show they care but they're not around all the time.. one spends most time in the office and the other is just in when they can but i cant actually relax unless they're on shift i dont trust anyone else infact im scared of being left alone. Last night the TA was on and she sat with me after i was hallucinating badly, i started crying when it was time for the night shift saying i didnt want her to go as i said they put flashbacks in my head and run tests on me at night. She told me today it was heartbreaking for her to leave me as my fears intense, she said im getting los in my thoughts more than she's ever seen. She told me she tried talking to the doctor but they couldnt be faffed listening to her due to her level in the system. She gives me a spark of hope but i keep wondering how long it will be before she gives up. Im normally very good at hiding things but this past week its just been agonising, i've found myself responding,reacting and isolating myself. But no staff member has approached me, i've asked a few times if it was possible to have moment but it feels like they deliberately find things to avoid me. Even when im in obvious distress they dont approach me or attempt to talk to me, the other night i was convinced i was miscarrying again.. id just had a flashback and then halllucinations kicked in when i came out of the memory, i went out into the lounge begging them to stop the bleeding, crying tht i couldnt lose another child.. they replied cinically 'no-one you're age has misccarryges its just in your head now go back to bed before you wake the other patients' for their information i had two in my abusive relationship one when i was 14 and another the same year at 15... it was the most heartbreaking experience of my life, and as long as a girl is having periods its possible so how can she say such a thing, how can she say what i went through and what i didnt when it was me!? All i need is people to listen or talk to me, my mind is so scary and i feel so utterly alone at the unit because everybody else currently in is eating dissorders.. i feel like im treated like resident psycho. They avoid me and staff avoid me. They dont allow me to talk but i do sort of understand, they dont want to hear what i have to say, i know they dont want to hear about my trauma or my headstuff as its different and frankly disturbing and gross or firghtening. But even if its difficult.. dont i have a right for help? Apart from those two people its like they've given up on me, that they just leave me to do what i wish, i notice people will deliberately flinch from me or dart away from me in the corridor, its very hurtful. Its not just the not talking to me its things like never upping obs after ive done serious damage to myself or when i dissociate alot and fear i'll hurt others or checking me as to whether i've taken my meds etcI just feel so ignored and im scared regardless of what ive told them they will just boot me out on to the streets with not even an ounce of concern.. i've admitted what my mindset is like they just couldnt care less. I dont know what i have to do. I try being assertive, i try telling them, i beg them, just nothing changes... i feel utterly hopeless where i am apart from them two people, she said they could try but i know they cant fight for me alone. Is this how it will always be? People frightened of my diagnosis' without even considering the person inside...
Last edited by sherlock holmes : 04-09-2010 at 10:18 AM.
Reason: removed trigger labels to fit with new changes, please see thread in forum and community questions
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
I wish i knew what to suggest..... I just couldn't read this and not reply. What is happening to you is a ****ing disgrace!!!!! People are in hospitals when they need intensive help and care. How the hell is it gonna change anything if they don't get their **** together and help you????? I am actually really angry on your behalf because you are clearly in so much emotional pain and so much distress. I can see that just by reading your post. And these people are around you and it seems like they are blind.
I don't know your system, unfortunately. I hope someone pops along with some concrete advice as what to do. I just wanna say that i read this and i care. It's appauling to read how they are treating you. It makes me so angry.
I so hope something will change the way things are done. I just don't think it's fair that you should suffer because they don't have a clue. I so wish i had some practical advice.....
I just wanted you to know that you are being heard. I hear your fear and frustration. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me. I hope someone will have some advice for you. You're not alone.
It does sound as though you are not getting appropriate treatment at all, and that it is not keeping you safe in the least- having the opposite effect in fact.
So sorry to hear it but it is a common story on inpatient wards, sadly. Do you mind my asking what sort of unit it is? Is it an nhs or private facility?
I wonder if you have an advocate at all that can help you bring up your very important issues and get listened to? PALS will help, try contacting them.
I wish i knew what to suggest..... I just couldn't read this and not reply. What is happening to you is a ****ing disgrace!!!!! People are in hospitals when they need intensive help and care. How the hell is it gonna change anything if they don't get their **** together and help you????? I am actually really angry on your behalf because you are clearly in so much emotional pain and so much distress. I can see that just by reading your post. And these people are around you and it seems like they are blind.
I don't know your system, unfortunately. I hope someone pops along with some concrete advice as what to do. I just wanna say that i read this and i care. It's appauling to read how they are treating you. It makes me so angry.
I so hope something will change the way things are done. I just don't think it's fair that you should suffer because they don't have a clue. I so wish i had some practical advice.....
I just wanted you to know that you are being heard. I hear your fear and frustration. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me. I hope someone will have some advice for you. You're not alone.
Thank you so much for your reply, i hope i didnt make you too angry, i didnt want it to have such an impact. But i very much appreciate your words. Im glad its not just me as i try explaining it to my parents but they just say its my paranoia and my perception of things when i know its not... i didnt want to push it too much because i dont like getting people in trouble and i dont like making a fuss but its all becoming heartbreaking and just too much. Im so glad that tyou saw my point of view, like how are things going to change if they dont do anything? I have my review in a week or so and if they're keeping me in for another 6 weeks im going to challenge them as to whether they're actually going to do anything this time... Thank you very much for the offer of pm'ing you as well, that means the world I hope i didnt distress you too much, look after yourself x
Quote:
Originally Posted by elena_j
Hey,
It does sound as though you are not getting appropriate treatment at all, and that it is not keeping you safe in the least- having the opposite effect in fact.
So sorry to hear it but it is a common story on inpatient wards, sadly. Do you mind my asking what sort of unit it is? Is it an nhs or private facility?
I wonder if you have an advocate at all that can help you bring up your very important issues and get listened to? PALS will help, try contacting them.
Elly
x
Its an nhs acute adolescent unit, i didnt think of pals so thank you alot i might just do that. Thank you for replying it means a lot, look after yourself also x
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting so much right now, and what you describe sounds so distressing and frustrating. If you ever need to rant I'm here, and hope it goes well with PALS.
x
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
How long have you been inpatient there for? Are there any other wards part of the same unit or nin your area? When do you see your doctor/consultant and do you like them or feel like they could listen to you?
I was inpatient and treated similar, I can't imagine how bad you feel right now. As hard as it is you must must must try and put focus on reducing your distress and helping yourself as much as possible even if others wont. I know that when people don't respond it's like 'right I should try and show them more clearly how I am' but in your case that's not working. So you need to try something else. You shouldn't have to be self harming badly and clearly in huge amounts of distress for them to care. If they are not going to care, there are other people who will. It's about managing yourself to an extent in the enviroment you're in until you can go somewhere that will actually help.
That's basically what happened with me. I was on an awful ward so I lie until I got out because I knew they couldn't help me and then went elsewhere, took me a while but now I'm starting to get decent help and it was so worth the wait. I'm not suggesting you do this at all. But know that there are other options, other professionals, other hospitals.
What works for you in reducing your distress? Anything you can do yourself? How do you feel about writing a formal letter to whoever is in charge of your care clearly saying that it's not helping, you need more support and if this ward can't provide it then they have a duty of care to find somewhere that can.
Keep going love, things can change, you sound amazingly strong xxxxxx
I hope i didnt distress you too much, look after yourself x
