I know, I know, I missed Monday. I've lost track of the days lately and by the time I realised what day it was, it was Tuesday. I'll try to not do it again.
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Most children's TV producers know that to get kids to watch, you have to terrify the little bastards. Looking back at the weird-ass shows they've cranked out over the decades, it's a wonder that we all grew up to be such, stable, well-adjusted adults.
#7.
Slim Goodbody
Slim Goodbody was a friendly Jewfroed health nut who saw
nothing wrong with showing you his innards in a way that is both intimate and vomit-inducing.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ3HMQ_LyZY[/ame]
What The Hell Were They Thinking?
If you ever found yourself wondering what a Steve Gutenberg/Horshack hybrid would look like
on the inside, this is the show of your dreams.
Slim Goodbody is here to force you to make good nutrition type choices, or he'll feed you to his robot-man.
Don't get us wrong, we're pleased when the neighborhood exhibitionist takes a unhealthy interest in vulnerable children. The scary part is when the animated picture of the red-track-suited man magically bursts into a nude man who utilizes an inappropriate wide-legged stance.
Note the shiny animated highlights to accentuate the fact that yes, this man has shed his clothes to teach you about love and life.
And we wonder why we have an obesity epidemic? Slim Goodbody utilizes his lumpy flesh-covered unitard to teach all the terrified children of the world why they should eat as much as possible, in order to cover the monstrosities which lurk beneath their skin.
Pay close attention to the part where the animated Goodbody goes through the trouble of turning around to show his half-muscularly-buttocked backside. We contend this visual assault subconsciously prompted millions of children to eat uncontrollably, as they never, ever wanted to be as healthy as Slim Goodbody. Never. Ever.
You know you want some of this lower intestine that is covering my private parts.
#6.
Sigmund and the Sea Monsters
Let's see if you can make it past :16 of the intro without collapsing into a scared little ball of tears and urine.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3U9BuOMkmM[/ame]
Nice how they suck you in with the jaunty little sailor theme, then slam you with the nightmare fuel.
What The Hell Were They Thinking?
The "Sigmund" in the title is a sad little lettuce heap of worthlessness who, in the course of the tune, is literally beat out of his home by his abusive family. The sea monster dad tells Sigmund to "go out and scare some humans, or you're through!"
No doubt traumatized by his parents' death threat, Sigmund makes a pathetic attempt at scaring some unsupervised children. The children mercilessly taunt Sigmund, laughing as his limp little tentacles attempt to catch a ball they callously fling at his googly eyes. Watch them mock as they force the little blob to hula hoop.
He has no torso, you dicks.
Deserving of your sympathy.
Let's all thank the show's creators for turning a disgusting family dynamic in which the parents beat and deride their monster kid out of the home into
entertainment. Entertainment
for children.
Of course these same children grew up to believe their abused and neglected offspring would become the playthings of laughing beach goers! Hooray! Hooray for deadbeat dads and emotionally abusive moms! Your children are hilarious!
#5.
The Osmonds
Meet The Osmonds, a clan of sex-crazed Mormon children with extraordinarily large heads.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKN_yjoDTCY[/ame]
What The Hell Were They Thinking?
The decade of the Seventies owes the universe a serious apology. In this instance, it's for defying the laws of nature and presenting the many, many Osmond boys as cartoony Jonas Brothers-type sex symbols. Which is ridiculous as soon as you take a look at the size of their ginormous heads or the way they sadly flail their arms and legs around in what has to be the worst animated dancing ever created.
Maybe the most shocking thing about this program, however, was not the audacity of presenting the Osmonds as sex symbols, it was the reality that the Osmonds
were sex symbols. Seriously. These guys had your mamas having all kinds of wicked, dirty thoughts back in the day:
Yes, these guys.
We'll pause for a second so you can go wash that little bit of vomit off your teeth.
Not only were the Osmond boys major sex symbols in what will forthwith be known as "The Most Retarded Decade of the Twentieth Century" ("TMRDTC" for short) but they rubbed our noses in it by showing the toothy seven on their knees trying to woo all the women of the world while they fly around in their psychedelic airplane.
Memo to Mormon Church: don't let your little boy members animate themselves wooing the hands of many, many little girls from all over the world. It doesn't look good, you know, on the whole "polygamy" thing. And PS: floating detached heads of little girls in the sky doesn't look good either.
#4.
SuperBook
There are no words to prepare you for what you are about to see. This is the type of thing only the Japanese have words for.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2CScfyw4Jk[/ame]
What The Hell Were They Thinking?
After being lovingly blinded by their SuperBible, two children and a toy robot thingy are sucked into a dark vortex that deposits them in Bible Times. And while they are never dropped off
in the middle of Lot's encounter with his daughters, the SuperMeanSpiritedBook seems to be A-OK with forcing children to battle flying Devil Serpents. Because that's WJWD.
Initially conceived by Pat Robertson as a way to get the Gospel to Japanese children (who are historically enamored with characters who look nothing like Japanese people and also live in American suburbs) SuperBook is among the first anime programs aired in America.
That's right. Pat Robertson forever has the title as one of the guys who introduced anime to American children. We'll be sure his epitaph will read something like this:
Pat Robertson
Ultimately responsible for dirty fan fiction featuring Sailor Moon.
Rest in peace, sweet soldier of the Lord.
#3.
The Wuzzles
Behold The Wuzzles, Mother Nature's tragic mishaps:
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c82cAG6dOtE[/ame]
What The Hell Were They Thinking?
Without explanation or background information, viewers are presented with hybrid freak animals that seemed to have arrived at their unholy state by twirling themselves together. No explanation, mind you, just an insistent "We're the Wuzzles!" repeated over and over.
And these so-called Wuzzles seem to live happily on an island that popped up out of nowhere (we're betting Hell) where they carry one another in their unholy kangaroo pouches and get sat on by the donkey/hippopotamus/morbidly obese rabbit creature.
The unfortunate thing on the bottom? It's half moose, half harp seal. His lower half is dragged around on a cart of half wagon, half wheelchair.
As disturbing as it is to see animals bred haphazardly through
twirling, we defy any child, anywhere in the world, at any time, to watch this show and not picture a lion trying to hump a bumble bee.
Look at the bear. The one who's part flower. What toddler sees that and
doesn't immediately picture that dude's mom stuffing flowers into her vagina? How else could this misshapen horror come about?
Gregor Mendel doesn't know. #2.
The Banana Splits
They are coming for your children in the most zany way possible. Thus the sound effects and laugh-track.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL2WeRHqqXo[/ame]
What The Hell Were They Thinking?
Part of what made the 70s the TMRDTC was the fact that everyone thought variety shows were hilarious and entertaining. Anyone with middle parted hair and a brother/husband/lover to exchange witty banter with got their own good-time hour. It wasn't long before the leisure-suited studio executives came to the following perfectly logical conclusion: If the good people of America are entertained by real-life humans lip synching songs and telling Hee-Haw type one-liners, why not dress up humans in animal costumes to do the same?
After alarmingly large doses of LSD, the Banana Splits were born.
Sargeant Pepper's Furry Nightmare.
Besides the obvious question of how these creatures with non-opposable thumbs can even
play their instruments, it's the subtle little touches that make these guys extra unsettling.
Look at the lion's mouth. WHY IS IT STITCHED SHUT?
What the hell? Did the lion do that to himself, while strung out on meth? Did the band do it to him as a practical joke while he was passed out in a pool of his own vomit?
To make it even worse, if that were possible, these freaks have the audacity to invade a theme park! Which is where the children are!
We're telling you right now: if ever a bunch of furries invade our favorite theme park, we'll shoot to kill.
#1.
The Tomorrow People
The future's so bright, it'll melt your brain:
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xez4o1ujOPI[/ame]
What The Hell Were They Thinking?
It's
Heroes, but with kids. Normal kids are born to normal humans, but then begin displaying extraordinary powers. The new evolved humans belong to a race called
Homo Superiors. Seriously.
Superior Homos who are soooo not interested
in the boobs on the table. Except maybe the black girl.
So after the super future-fonted titles explode into chaos, we get a trippy hand that invites us to share in the world of Homo Superiors. This is a world populated with rapidly approaching floating fetuses...
...weird PVC pipe structures...
ambiguous galaxy looking thingys, pretty dahlias, and
bell peppers. Futuristic bell peppers, so it all makes sense.
The entire sequence takes us on a journey to a realm where all rules of logic and rationality are suspended, as if everything we know and love has been eaten by the devil and farted back into our faces. It's like the scary boat ride in
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where things keep getting stranger and stranger until you suddenly see a chicken get decapitated.
You know what we're talking about.
It became like a sort of prison. Encased in a silver shell, words so full of bleeding need spilled like drops on dry leaves. And all the while laughter prevailed a long way from here. Nowhere land, nowhere time, nowhere space.
