|
Triggering (SI) - Don't want to stop?
This is so strange. Throughout the years I've had this problem I've wanted to stop but had difficulty and would slip up.. it's just how it's been going. I've went long periods of time without it but I'd always gone back to it.
But lately I have no desire to stop. I don't have any desire to fix myself this time. I don't even regret it, I look forward to the next time I can do it.
However, I know I shouldn't because it just makes more things to hide, more things to worry about. I have to keep this from everyone and since it's been getting worse with how deep they are and how many there are, I'll have more scars to cover up and more questions asked in the future. I hate that. I hate having this automatic paranoia whenever I show people any part of my body. I have to think quickly "Wait, did I cut there recently?" even if I know I haven't. And I hate that aspect of it, but I don't have the desire to stop myself when I'm having an urge, I don't have the desire to quit.. I just have to keep thinking of ways to cover it up, possible new stories to explain the scars.
I feel like whenever I go through long periods of time without doing it, I get more depressed, at least that's how it's been lately. Maybe I'm dependent on it now? More than before?
I don't know.. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't want help, I don't want friends anymore. I feel like I belong on my own now. I's weird to me. I feel like anybody who will try to help me or will get too close to me will leave like everyone else does.
(end rant)
|
