I'm too toxic and needy to have relationships, friendships.
My therapist has said that I'm naturally sociable. I was brought up to always believe that I was shy and awkward and a burden.
I just feel a burden on people right now.
I want friendships.
But it seems I'm incapable of them.
I'm too needy and selfish.
So I should stay away from people.
I kind of know this is Katrina mind.
But I just feel so incapable of making meaningful connections.
The internet is all over with being beware of needy people - stay away from them.
I want to try to be less needy.
I want to.
But it's hard.
Best just to isolate.
No one can judge me then for being toxic. Alone, I won't 'infect' anyone.
This isn't healthy, I know that. But I need to consider other people before myself.
How can I do this so that it hurts my heart less?
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I know how you feel, I find it hard to maintain friendships, and most of the time they pass like ships in the night.
I have often believed that it is best to isolate myself, and I have done so on numerous, but it has had catastrophic repercussions on me because I, like you, am a naturally sociable person and I do get on with people, but like you I was brought up to believe that I wasn't worth anything and shouldn't try because of the constant bullying from when I was about 6 to 12, which included the sexual abuse from my cousin, and when I was 15 and I thought I was out the storm my ex made me feel like the smallest, unworthiest person alive when he started hitting me and treated me any way he could because he knew he could get away with it.
The way I think of it, you have to think of number 1 (i.e. yourself). I also have a tendency to put others before me, but it's not good because you have to fulfill your own needs first before you try and fulfill anyone else's. I am sure you can find at least one person who'll understand and won't think you're needy. I am needy too, I have gone through many "friends" who couldn't deal with me and ended our friendship, but then you just have to think "well they weren't worth my time" and move on to find someone else.
I don't think that you're any of the things you've said. I certainly don't think that you ought to isolate yourself. Actually, I would think it would be better (for everyone) if you were less isolated than you are at the moment. Not only do you absolutely deserve to have meaningful relationships and people to interact with, you have a lot to give to the other person in the relationship. You're such a kind, caring person and you're really lovely and friendly, so I hate to think of all that you have to give being wasted because you can't see that about yourself.
I'm glad that you can see that this isn't entirely 'you' and you know where it is coming from. Although that doesn't make it any less painful I hope that it gives you the ability to control how you react to these feelings. I'm wondering if there's anything going on at the moment that has made you feel this way? What makes you feel that you're 'toxic'?
What do you think would help just now? I'm glad that you have the help and reassurance of your therapist and I'm glad that you have work so you can't shut yourself away totally. I know that when I am feeling similar to how you are at the moment, it is more helpful to me to do the opposite of what I want to and make more of an effort to socialise and interact with people. I know you were thinking about volunteering and such a while back; where are you at with that now? I'm not saying that you should leap into everything all at once, it's a slow process and it is difficult, but the more you can get to know people and form relationships, on whatever level, I hope that you'll see you are not all the terrible things you think you are and you are valuable to people.
I do not think that you are a burden or needy. I am here if you would like someone to talk to, rant at, chat with, whatever. I mean that.
if you really want to put others before yourself and help them... in the long run you can do that better if you're healthy yourself, at some point if you try and take care of everyone at your own expense, you will collapse.
also, you probably aren't needy, it feels that way, but feelings aren't always accurate.... and youre right there are alot of needy people online, but that doesn't make you one of them.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
