Triggering (SI/Abuse) - I'm so confused.

AnonymousGirl · 15-08-2010, 07:37 PM

I.. don't know what just happened. I think this is abuse but.. I'm so confused.
I posted a 'secret' on another website but I didn't get many replies. This is the only place I can think of.

"So I was having a conversation with my mom and I was saying I didn't really want to go to her family's family reunion because..a.) I didn't see the point in it, especially if it was her family and b.) it wasn't even necessary for me to go.
I was being really calm..mostly because my dad is sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up (they're going through a bad divorce..so..).I didn't raise my voice and the most I said was 'I'd really rather not go'. I felt bad anyway.Then she starts making these weird crazy faces and talking through herteeth and waving her arms around.She did that a couple of times.I thought she was going to hit me but when she finally started hitting me was when I was on the phone (with someone like..involved in this family reunion business).
I was so angry I just stood there but I wanted to hit back so badly..She always does this **** to me.It's not the first time she's hit me, either..once she threatened with a flat iron.I couldn't because I seriously didn't know if I could stop myself if I did.She always starts yelling when I defend myself too (like grabbing her arm to stop her (once she complained I gave her a 'bruise') and holding back her hands) and then she proceeds to make me angrier by bringing up my past failures."

"So as I was leaving the house I accidentally knocked off the wreath on the door.I couldn't get out with it in front of me so I kicked it to the side because I was going to be late.Unfortunately my dad saw and he started chewing me out about it.I said I couldn't get out of the door with it there and moved it, and that I needed to get going soon so I didn't think about it (because I was going to be late).He said I could 'have at least ****ing put it against the wall so he could hang it back up later'.
Here's where it gets bad.
I said 'fine', walked over to pick it up and put it by the door even though it'd be harder to get out with the clutter.Granted I did say it with a 'tone', but that's only because both of my parents had been chewing me out about how late I've been, and it wasn't far from the door in the first place.

That's when he grabbed me and spun me around, pointed his finger in my face and said 'You need to stop acting like such a little selfish ****ing monster, and stop cursing at everyone like a little sailor'.I told him to '****ing let go of me' and try to leave (which is the second time I've cussed in front of them, ever.) That's when he turned me around again and slapped my face.My mom got in there somehow offered to take me to this family reunion thing I was supposed to go to..something else was said and he took off his glasses and was like 'well here, slap me, ' and I said no because I was afraid he'd do something else to me when I tried to... and then I got in the car but I was crying too hard I had to go back.

I went back inside where my mom brought me into her room and we talked about me getting slapped for 2 minutes.I counted.The rest of the 15 or so minutes I was in there we discussed the fact that I was always so late for things (which, by the way, I was on time today until I had to pick up the wreath) and that it's so selfish and I'm not special enough for people to wait, etc etc.Yeah, I do have this issue where I'm late but I found it..really..insulting.I left and went to go cry in my room but again I was dragged out..this time to talk with my dad because 'our relationship will never be the same if I don't'.So I did.
I was..really sarcastic..but it was a joke, some things my mom was saying.She was trying to be all 'psychological' and figure out why I was always in such a bad mood, and she was so wrong.My dad was being all quiet in his chair looking really angry.That was scary.I saw him punch through a wall once when I was five.Anyway, again my mom steered back to the topic that I was always late and 'I make them SO CRAZY when I'm late for things'.All I heard from her was 'me, me, I, I, etc etc'.No attempt to ask me how I really felt.No attempt to ask why I've been acting the way I have (and I have, because they are going through and awful divorce where my mom was cheating repeatedly, and my dad basically raped her with his fingers when I wasn't there during a fight.Oh, and they told me all this, as if it's okay to tell a 15 year old this.We had just celebrated their anniversary a few days before that happened and everything was fine until my dad found out).In this whole..discussion thing I almost started crying and asked to leave because god forbid I cry in front of them.But my mom made me stay and that's when we noticed my dad being all..homicidal in the corner and I asked him to talk, etc etc.He called me immature and called my mom immature.He scares me so much.He talks in a deep, scary voice when he's angry and it doesn't help that he likes knives and stuff.so, I'm basically terrified now.

it really..REALLY pisses me off how my mother kept going back to the fact that I'm ALWAYS late for things and I ALWAYS have a bad attitude (I really don't.I keep to myself most the time anyway, so how would she know?) and how I'M SO SELFISH for doing this to everybody.Not like this is the first time she's hit me or anything.She asked if it hurt (she slapped me twice, different places) and I said yeah, it did.Then she made a face like I was being all dramatic and shook her head.That made me so mad.

I'm just absolutely sick of it.I want to kill myself. "

I still feel the same. Just worse. I cut quite a bit yesterday. I'm that type of cutter that waits and builds things up and just goes nuts cutting... but really, last time, i didn't have much access to anything I could SI with.. Well, I did, but it would have been way too obvious. But I skin-pick so I guess that's a form of SI too.

On Facebook I was looking for help, hoping someone would ask what's wrong. Granted I didn't go about it in the best way. I was kind of vague. It was stupid that I did it like that.. but I got told to lighten up.. and to shut up.. and to shut up AND calm down.. Then later people started asking what was wrong but since they were the two that made these comments, I wasn't too keen on telling them. Then I got chewed out by one of them.. they said 'what the **** is wrong with me.. etc etc.. for such a lucky person you sure stir up a lot of ****' (which.. I know it's hard to go just by what I'm saying but this is the first time I'd ever said anything like I did.. that hurt a bit, especially since I care about these two people tons) and.. yeah. I know this second half really isn't abuse.. I think? I really really want a hug now though.

Ninja Orange · 19-08-2010, 06:49 PM

I don't know what to say, & I don't know if that is abuse or not, but I wanted to say that I understand how you feel, as my parents are similar in some parts.

Amaranth · 19-08-2010, 09:16 PM

Hitting you isn't ok, even if they are going through a horrible time. They seem to be quite wrapped up in their own problems, they probably don't see what its doing to you.
I think it would really help you if you had someone there (another family member or a close friend) who you could just vent everything to - even if you don't want to tell them about the self harming, just having someone to talk to about how you're feeling would help. I know you can talk here but it's not quite the same as having someone physically there.
I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time ((hugs)), and I hope your parents both settle down once the divorce is out of the way.
Take care
Leah x

Zurg · 26-08-2010, 02:22 PM

Reading this made me really angry at your parents. It's one thing to raise your voice but it's a completely different matter to hit your child. It's wrong.

Being a teenager brings lots of conflicts with your family but it's the parents' responsibility to deal with these conflict in an appropiate way. Hitting your child because you can't argue your case seems petty to me and despicable. It's just not right!!!!!

I wish i knew what would help you right now. If i were you i'd have lost respect for them by now and i certainly wouldn't bother being polite when they kick off.

My mum could be a nasty piece of work too when i was a teen. However, i learned that when she started making a scene i would just calmly look her in the eyes and say "I don't wanna discuss this when you behave like this!" and then i'd go to my room and let her sit and be angry on her own, lol.

The conflits in themselves are not abnormal but a parent shouldn't hit their child. No matter how angry they get they should never resort to violence.

Do you have a really good friend to talk to, to kinda let it all out and someone who could hug you???? Not the douche bags on facebook, but a really good friend that you trust?????

I know you must feel very alone and abandoned so if you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me. I hope you feel a bit better after having got it all out.

*hugs*