getting a .. life - how?

[Stellata]

I'm 40.
I have no social life.
The only time I really had a social life was when I was at uni. 20 odd years ago.
I occasionally meet with friends, but my 'best' friend isn't contacting me any more, despite saying she will, and I don't want to force myself on her.
Anyway.
I can sense my therapist getting increasingly frustrated that I am so avoidant and wary of finding a social life.
It just feels so hard.
I'm 40. I'm on a limited budget - little left over at all, if anything, for going out. I don't have much spare time, and I don't have a lot of energy.
I used to do yoga, creative dance. I started a postgraduate psychotherapy training some years ago, but had to leave part way through due to my .. difficulties with relationships.
I love to write, read and do art.
But can I find any motivation to sign up for courses and go out? No.
Also, I don't drink.
I'm lonely, but.
I do flatshare, so there's some socialness there. But. Again but.
Then each time a therapy break comes around I am thrown into this terrifying sea of a mirror of my loneliness.

I was socially isolated as a child - partly enforced by my parents [pretty much noone was 'allowed' in the house, especially when dad was home from work], and partly due to my awkwardness and sensitivity around people.

How can I change things? It just feels insurmountable.

Especially as I feel so... unlikeable, uninteresting. And all these websites and books say to avoid people with personality problems like mine, needy, clingy, attention and care needing/seeking people. But the trouble is that in avoiding people because of that - fear of being a burden and rejected or mocked - it just makes that lonely pain inside me so much more chronic and painful. I have this mix of avoidant and dependent stuff, and it HURTS!

Part of my trouble also is not knowing exactly what I most want to do, or what is good for me to do.
I got into the wrong career for me when I left school, then when I did the therapy training course, that wasn't the best thing for me either. I'm scared of making more wrong choices. And screwing up the hard work I've done to get to this point.

[startingagain]

Maybe try a befriending service to help you go to an art course?

[Heidi Tiger]

I'm also not a particularly social person and also on a pretty limited budget. Something that has been a really positive addition to my life has been joining a community garden. It's nice because there's such a wide range of people ranging from like people in their 60's down to late teens and with loads of different backgrounds. There's quite a bit of team work and socialising, but it's also a very peaceful space and so if it feels too busy, or I'm not feeling very sociable I can be quiet and on my own, so it's less pressure than it would be otherwise to go up there if I'm not at my best. It's also good for social awkwardness because you can always talk about what you're doing and what's growing, which I always find useful if I can't think of anything to say! You can also do basket weaving there aswell which is nice also.

I wonder if perhaps a group like that would work for you because it has the flexibility for you to be more sociable when you're feeling up to it, and less when you're not, it's also doesn't have to be a regular commitment. Also it's not really something that you have to be "good at", which I found a relief because I shy away from some activities I'd love to do for fear of making a fool out of myself!
I'm aware this has turned into a big waffle and I sound like a sales-rep for them, but I thought it might possibly be helpful!

[moke]

Have you considered doing volunteering of some description? Most charities will be grateful for any help, and you can pretty much choose what you do so it can be as sociable or not as you want :) Or even volunteering with animals! x

[RainbowsAndButterflies]

Could you go for a coffee one day after work with one of your libarian workers? Give you a chance to get to know them a bit better.

[Ampelmann]

There are also social clubs advertised on the internet. For example, I know my aunt has joined one called Spice. I just had a look on the website and something like that looks quite good - loads of different acticities all over the country all the time, no pressure to go and 75% of the club are single people so loads of people would be going on their own to meet people socially. It would cost though and obviously you wouldn't know beforehand who else was going to be there...
Or set up something you feel comfortable doing like a book club and invite friends to join - you'd be sure to see them every time there was a meeting. That needn't cost much at all if you have them in your or the other members houses, could chose books you could hire from the library and maybe each member bring somehing to eat/drink each time. If nobody lives near you friendwise, you could advertise for members if you felt comfortable with doing that and have the first meeting in a public place like a quiet cafe/in the park. If you didnt feel 'right' about someone you wouldn't have to tell them when or where the next meeting was.

These ar my morning ideas, might have something more useful by the end of the day! x

[Margo]

My adivce: Try and find a way to stop seeing yourself as being seperate from the rest of the world. Try to accept you are just as much a part of it. then things will become easier.

[makedamnsure]

Matthew speaks sense. But that is easier said than done I know. I often feel "different" or seperate myself.

Volunteering is a really good way to meet people and socialise. I'm not sure how practical it would be with your current employment etc but it is something that has really helped me to speak to new people.