Triggering (SI/Abuse) - i cant stop punishing me

[lonleyangel]

hi,im a 25yr old mum of 2 boys.I have recently come out of an abusive relationship in which the children (particularly my eldest) suffered. I have had i problem with self harming for a few years now but i tapered off when i got in this relationship,only to resurface again worse than it has ever been only a couple of months into the relationship.

i blame myself 4 allowing this to happen my children are damaged a a result of my ignorance,all because i wanted to be loved by this man who was nothing more than a bully that my kids were terrified of.

So all the old feelings are back now,i find it almost impossible to handle my kids as they are very disturbed,the eldest can be violent and says he hates me.

i am very insecure,thats how i ended up in tis predicament,i came off my meds at the wrong time and i find it phyically impossible to talk about my feelings.this morning i repeatedly smashed myself in the head with a remote because i couldnt get the digi bx to work.

someone please talk to me,i dont know how much longer i can take this i cant even get out of bed to get dressed

[englishrose]

OK first off being a mum on normal terms is hard let alone what you and your family have been through but was needs to happen is for you to stop blaming your self for allowing the man in that hurt you all because if you had been aware at that time you would not have let him in.

Stop being hard on your self children can be little bastards really lol not that we like to think of our angel like that. Your children dont hate you they are just hurting and props dont know how to deal with it all and they are just taking it out on you. BUt be there for them talk about what happend let them know he is never coming back and can never hurt you all again. Children bounce back but for now you need to be the support system they require. Maybe your children need professional help to come to turms with what happened.

You need to learn independace its a state of mind which you go in when you have been really hurt, it ensure that you get back on your feet stop relying on other then you cant get hurt as much and get you and your family through this.

Its a hard time and i hope some of what i have said will make sence
im here if u want to chat
luv jad

[lonleyangel]

thanks,i am trying to take the right steps,been pretty passive these last few days,the doc came out to see me so imback on meds tomorrow,hope they help.and iv been refered to a counsellor,just hope i can talk ecause i tend to clam up and not say anything and end up getting dischrged or something.do you ever get that,when no matter how much you want to,u just CANT talk

[Margo]

Hello and welcome to vets.

I used to hit myself too. Im sorry you had to do that to yourself :(

Wanting to be loved is natural and it can pull so strongly that we can become blinded to actually see whats going on around us. If you are insecure anyways then this will be doubly strong im sure. You are not a bad person for feeling like this my dear!!

Im sure that you were doing the best for your children at the time. Im sure as said above that if you knew what was going on you would have stopped it.

Being a parent doesnt exempt you from making mistakes. You ARE allowed to make em! What is MORE IMPORTANT when you are a parent is how you go about righting it and making sure the same doesnt happen to them again!

Im happy the doc came to see you and its good you are back on your meds. coming off at the wrong time is NEVER a good idea! *glares*

If you have difficulty talking then write stuff down. Post on here and then print it off. Keep a pen handy and jot feelings and thoughts down as they come. doesnt matter on what, just jot them down. Its perfectly acceptable to hand over a pile of scrap paper with scribblings on. It can help much more than just an hour of silence!

Youve been brave for posting. Keep going, youve done the right thing!!!


Matthew

[lonleyangel]

hi,thanks for your post, going to try the writing it all down thing,this is the most mobile iv been for the passed few weeks so im tryin to do normal stuff ie:washing,puttin clothes away etc,instead of lying on the sofa smoking roll ups for 24hrs. my meds came today,but they wont give me any sleeping pills so i might take them at night because if i remember rightly they make me drowsy anyway.hope everyone is good

naomi

[pea soup]

*hugs for being so brave*
xxxxxxx

[lonleyangel]

thankyou xxx