My difficulties are primarily attachment/relationship based, due to things going wrong right from the beginning in my bonding with my parents, especially my mum. Due to all the complications around my premature birth, mostly. Then both of my parents' depressions.
I know that most of the personality disorders are often due to problems in the earliest relationship. Even though I'm not formally diagnosed with one, despite having a weird mix of most of them. But that's by the by.
Does anyone else here perceive their difficulties as primarily to do with problems in relationship/attachment? Or been told this by professionals? [In my case, my therapist has verified this.] My internal 'self care system' gone awry is a defence against the pain of not having my emotional needs met right from the beginning. And it hurts like hell.
So just wondering if anyone here has similar difficulties, as right now I feel incredibly alone.
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I perceive myself to become too attached to people too quickly, then is always let down by them because they didn't live up to my expectations.
Reading this has made me think about my early relationship with my Mum, and how I can see that my child mind would see that my Mum did let me down, because she wasn't watching me when I had my accident, I spent 5 weeks in intensive care when I was 10 months old and up until the age of 2 my Grandad brought me up. Plus she was having therapy when I had my accident, so I can guess that that lasted longer than the 5 weeks I spent in hospital.
I just want you to know that you're not alone, I think as a baby I wasn't attached to my Mum as I could've been, which is a) why I look for attachment now and b) why I always used to run off when I was a child. The moment I could walk, I was constantly running away from my Mum.
Hey Katie, my issues aren't primarily because of attachment, but most definitely contributing. My mother wasn't at all attached to us until we were able to talk and walk, until then i was just a blob to her. This also meant that as a baby we spent a lot of time with the abusive dad.
I also believe that abuse of any kind from a parent strongly effects attachment, having such conflicting experiences, a paradox within the relationship.
You aren't alone Katie, we're sorry you are hurting, but remember it's ok to be hurt, and it isn't at all shameful to feel anything you might be feeling.
Take care
lostboys
hey i have the same problem tho i haven't been told this wen i was younger i had a good relationship with my mum and dad but then things changed they developed a drinking problem and wen that happen i had to look after my self i never got hug, wen i was a child so wen my mum died 4 years ago due to drink i fell apart i needed hugs and support but i didn't get it, and still dont really so wen i got the help i needed i become very attached to that person or people that wer helping me and wen they left i just felt soo alone again which was really hard, but in time i have got used to get i still get the right support and i know if i need a hug i can have one but i know they wont be with me forever so i try and keep myself from getting attached to them, i can trust them and tell them things but i know its there job and it will end at sum time. i hope it has helped in some way :)
Thank you so much for reassuring me I'm not alone.
The way my experiences have left me make me feel so awful and ashamed of myself, and I'm trying to combat that.
Stella, I believe I also developed an attachment disorder due to seperation from my mum as a baby and also her post-natal depression and my sister's serious illness etc. I have variously been diagnosed with BPD, depression, eating disorders, OCD and Body Dysmorphic Disorder! ButI truly believe that all of this stems from that original source.
I have recently started therapy with someone who works very much with attachment issues. He is away for all this month and things had just been getting very hard- which I kind of knew to expect. I didn't know things would get QUITE this bad however- this summer has been a fog of such grim agitation and depression.
What have you found to be of the most help for you, Stella?
I hope things are ok with you today.
Elly
x
Elly, I can totally empathise. I get fraught every therapy break, and am in a similar situation right now. I know that agitation, depression and fog all too well. I have a bunch of books on what's known as 'object relations' in psychotherapy. Reading them can help. And expressing those deeply primal feelings through art. But often it's just curling up under my blanket with my cuddly toy dog.
My therapist also works with the relationship/attachment issues. We've spent some years finding and understanding and being with the darkest depths. Now my challenge is to bear that, and respond with my adult mind's frame of reference. I'm getting there, but it can feel very shaky and delicate.
I'm diagnosed officially with depression, but my GP [and of course my therapist] knows how things are more complex.
Sorry you are going through what sounds like similarly hellish stuff. God, it is so, so hard right now. I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I often question 'how could all this be down to something like attachment?' and start thinking I must have some organic brain thing like dementia.
I totally get the curling up under the blanket. Mostly right now I'm so agitated I can't even read, which is usually my best comfort.
I am also suffering complications of the eating disorder so physical stuff is probably linked to that too- and I feel so guilty because it is me who is doing this self-destructive crap! But giving up that vestige (albeit a false thing) of control just feels way too much; I know I'm weak. Then again living with these feelings is pretty indescibable- it's not that surprising I have my coping mechanisms, destructive tough they can be.
Sorry to go on about myself. It is so very complex.
It sounds as though you have done some excellent work with your therapist. I think mine will take some years as well as certain negative patterns are so deeply ingrained. Art sounds a good way of getting out feelings. I've not tried that properly. I find writing can help.
Trying so hard not to give up; I've got lovely people in my life who want very much to help.
Let's hope things start to turn around soon. I know I have had better times than this and there is every chance I will again.
It is hard, I know.
This stuff got embedded in when we were so small and young and helpless. Feeling it in an adult body with the adult capacity for feeling emotions far more fully and in depth and consciously, can hurt.
Thing is, human beings are hardwired for attachment, for connection to other human beings, and it's a very instinctive, primal thing. When that gets disrupted when we need it the most, the chain reactions can be immense and reverberate so much.
My therapists has suggested that I do not attach to people correctly either, but she's avoided diagnosing me for sure, or at least letting me know the true diagnosis.
I have similar issues and I think I always knew that it was the root of my problems - both in my relationships with others and in how I relate to myself.
I'm lucky in that my psychiatrist is a specialsit in PDs and attachment issues and the work I did with my therapist was about how I am unable to form healthy attachments, and so much of that was explored through my relationship with her.
Breaks/endings/absences of people who support me are difficult times so I can understand the impact of a therapy break.
I still struggle to form attachments to people and keep backing away to protect myself when I feel vulnerable, and so I end up alone time and time again. My psychiatrist says that although therapy is valuable, now I have to apply what I have learnt in my everyday life and take risks with people, rather than keep myself isolated to avoid getting hurt.
I have gone the opposite way where I have over-attached to people who were usually unattainable and that is not so much a problem now.
I don't know if it's possible to completely recover from the effects of our childhood neglect/abuse/poor parenting but things can improve and you are really working hard to move forward which is such a brave thing to do.
due to things going wrong right from the beginning in my bonding with my parents
Is that similar to not having needs met? My therapist has brought this up numerous times but I don't really see it myself. Apparently parents can be all loving but just mistuned to a child?! mmm....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stellata
Does anyone else here perceive their difficulties as primarily to do with problems in relationship/attachment? Or been told this by professionals?
I don't perceive my difficulties are to do with problems in relationship/attachment but my therapist would likely beg to differ! I admit that my emotions fluctuate quite extremely in reaction to other people and my moods flip very quickly and suddenly in therapy which is tiring and time consuming (I wish I didn't get so angry all the time!). But it is difficult to tell what is a problem and what isn't where this area is concerned I think. I admit I get really tired sometimes when people try and help me and I continually push them away...wish I knew why I did this and could stop it!
I don't remember the details, but I was removed from kindergarten when I was 4 due to 'disturbed' behaviour, and packed off to a child psychologist I had pretty good parents - the issue seemed to be that my dad worked away for months at a time over a period of about 2 years, and my mum (who was pretty highly-strung) struggled to cope with 3 young children on her own. Result = 2 quiet but insecure children, and one who was completely deranged ... The child psych records no longer exist, but my current psych is pretty sure I had an attachment disorder. Especially as it took him over 2 years of chipping away at me to get me to even begin to open up to him. It takes me a long time to build trust up with anybody in my life, and I don't even consider the prospect of romantic/intimate relationships.
Thirty years later my brother and sister are reasonably well adjusted, but both lacking in confidence still. And I'm still moderately deranged at times. I've never been diagnosed with a PD though, only 'Borderline traits' (i.e. I self-harm) and bipolar disorder. There's a really interesting book about how early life experiences affect our later development if you're interested - 'They F*** You Up' by Oliver James. He argues that most mental illnesses are caused by things that happen to us while our brains are in the developmental stages, i.e. early childhood. A lot of people don't agree, but it's fascinating reading none the less.
I was actually diagnosed as having an attachment disorder by a CAHMS psychiatrist... which I kind of understand; from what I can remember I've either had very intense relationships or I don't get attached at all.
I've been told my dad was always working and that I didn't see him much beyond a couple of hours a week until I was 13. And then he was drinking a lot every night. I don't remember being around him much except for shouting matches.
My mother could change emotions really quickly... like one time she broke a hoover on my arm, and then 5 minutes later she was talking to me like nothing was wrong. Also my sister was born when I was 2yo, and apparently she was a fussy baby so my mum needed to spend a lot of time with her. I guess that kind of environment could have set the stage for an attachment disorder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stellata
My heart hurts. The centre of my chest. Like it's a huge great empty hole, or it's been scraped raw.
Just wanted to say I know how it feels Katie. It's what I imagine a black hole in space to be like - existing, infinitely heavy, yet clawing everything into it, consuming all that's there. Aching, crushing my insides, so I can't breathe for the hurt and despair.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I don't know if my attachment and relationship problems are at the center of my overall condition (I'm just now coming to realize that there may be an underlying condition), but I know they do play a major part. I was not physically abused, but because of the way my parents related to each other, and to us, the dynamic in our house has always seemed...either tense, or on the verge of tension. I never had a sense that the house was happy, if that makes sense. It was sometimes temporarily quiet, but no more than that. I grew up feeling like I was an inconvenience to my family, even my siblings. Thus, I grew up silent and hyper-vigilant. I used to keep busy around the house, partly so I would have a reason to be alone, and partly because I wanted to be appreciated for something.
I guess I just wanted to try and explain that I really do identify with what you said about your "internal self-care system gone awry," and how much that affects everything. I also identified with what you said about feeling awful about it, and ashamed of it. I can only speak from personal experience, of course, but I think part of the reason it's so difficult to let other people get close is that I feel substandard. If I were a house, I would be ashamed to have people over for company, because I'm so cluttered, locked up and dirty. I don't know if that's what you were trying to say or not, but that's what I drew from it, and it really resonates. *hugs*
heya, i have borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder, so i either trust people to quick, or dont trust them at all, well at least for a LONG time. and then when they hurt me, it hurts BAD. i get too attached to professionals, which is my biggest problem with relationships i think, as it's never a good idea to become so attached to them, but i dont really have much of a relationship with most of my family. its hard for me to explain, but i know where you are coming from
xx
Tears dry, hurt doesn't. Life is for living, don't waste it. Hurt fades.
if you dont stand for something, you'll fall for everything
while there's life, there's hope
life is a great canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can...
I had pretty good parents - the issue seemed to be that my dad worked away for months at a time over a period of about 2 years, and my mum (who was pretty highly-strung) struggled to cope with 3 young children on her own. Result = 2 quiet but insecure children, and one who was completely deranged ... 
The child psych records no longer exist, but my current psych is pretty sure I had an attachment disorder. Especially as it took him over 2 years of chipping away at me to get me to even begin to open up to him. It takes me a long time to build trust up with anybody in my life, and I don't even consider the prospect of romantic/intimate relationships.
