I have a tough few weeks coming up, with both members of my treatment team away. Plus all my flatmates are away next week.
This is my support thread.
I'm determined not to hurt myself, but I don't know how I'll cope with that resolve, with all my insecurities and the stressors around for those issues that I get each therapy break.
Realities about my internal dynamics are also starting to start to sink in, from things my therapist has explained to me. The thing is to not let Them restrain me. But it's hard to know at this point what are real limitations and which is Their propaganda.
I'm tired. I, Katie never get a rest, never get a holiday from the inside of my head. And I can't afford a holiday holiday either.
I understand the feeling of never being able to get away from the things that happen inside. Also, I identify with being without a treatment team, with my psychologist being away for the next month after tomorrow.
I'm confident that, with our support and your inner resources that you will get through this break, though you may (or may not) have intense struggles and conflicts on the way. You're a strong woman and we're listening.
Is there any way you could use the money you would have used for therapy for a different kind of therapy? Maybe some kind of short retreat or creative class?
Could your parents consider a different type of "therapy" for the next few weeks? Or do you think that's a bit of an ask? I'm not sure what kind of therapy... I don't mean psychological therapy based... rather a therapeutic activity.
Also, are there any Samaritans centres near you where you can actually go in and talk to someone in person? I believe there's some around, it might be worth finding out.
Katie might be feeling very vulnerable and raw and exposed, and is probably really feeling the "abandonment" that's imminent (sp?) from both members of her treatment team.
I'm sending warm thoughts to you. It is really destabalising when your support network is absent I know I've been there. Let us know if there is anything you need from us. I hope that this break helps you see the resources and resilience that you do possess!
Well, I've been pondering over seeing a new homeopath. But I don't know. It might be Trini just wanting another 'mummy'. *sigh* My therapist suggested a few weeks back that a massage could be good for me. But I really would like to do that kind of thing when I have a support structure around me in case any body memories come falling out of the woodwork.
We have a Samaritans centre near one of my workplaces. The Samaritans are kind of a sore point for Katrina at the moment, after this Care Plan they put me on over Easter, to not reply to my emails until at least 48 hours after I'd sent it. Just seemed like a good way to get rid of me. Because I'm just a hysterical fake attention seeker who doesn't need help, right?
I've found a helpline which I could call, a women's [all types of] abuse survivor one. But that would only really work while my flatmates are away.
And if the BAA strike happens, and impacts on *things* [I don't want to get into details yet, but it's probably self explanatory when I say therapy is due to start back 1st September.] then I could be a total 'basket case' very quickly.
I can't quite get my head around the 'really feeling' bit, although I'm desperately defending against the sadness, yes. And feeling frightened. The rage. Uh, well, that consumes everything, I know. I was never this angry growing up. Or I never felt it. I probably... was.
Most of this mornings last-before-the-break therapy session was REALLY tough. I was swamped with my utter neediness and rage and fear. I feel so ashamed. I was so... not myself. I'd lost myself. It was awful.
I'm still on tenterhooks re this threatened strike.
And I feel raw and ashamed and ashamed and my eyes hurt and I feel full of self pity.
Why am I such a child?
Well, I know that.
But it damn HURTS.
hang in there katie (katrina and trini too) yall will make it through this. ya'll are strong and yall can do this. hang in there.. pm if you need me/us ok hon *safe hugs for all of you* Hiding
Yes, the summer break is always around now. This year it's a bit shorter, because Easter break was longer.
But because of my attachment problems, I/child mind worry that she'll never come back, or be late back. And so any possible obstacle goes through my mind. Then when snow, disasters, volcano ash, and now a threatened airport workers strike feed all of those anxieties, it sends me into a feeling of panic, rage, and helplessness.
I have to try and maintain contact with my adult mind. But that is challenging. I have to try my best though.
Do you get DLA? You could use that for a holiday. If you time it for when your therapist is away it might help. Also there is something called holiday helpers where as long as you can be a companion for someone you can go on holiday for free or at a reduced cost.
Nope. I don't get DLA. I'd likely get turned down so I don't want to try. I'm in that border zone of not ill enough, but impaired enough to have limits on my life.
I'm struggling right now with trying not to inflict my neediness on people. But it makes me more needy and isolated.
You never know about DLA. I'm surprised that I get it as I work. I'm on middle rate care and lower mobility. Ask your doctor if he would support an application.
I don't take medication although it is because I refuse to. I also no longer see a psychiatrist because I discharged myself. They know this from the renewal form.
