Severely Triggering (ED) - A hug? Maybe.

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 10-08-2010, 08:07 PM

I'm aching. I can't control these tears anymore & I'm ~~breaking~~ broken.

They told me I have Anorexia Nervosa/ Binge Purging Type.
I'm fat though.

I'm not coping & I've tried ranting,, but nothing comes out, I'm too numb. I'm pretending everything is okay, to my family & to staff,, even to paitents,, I just don't want to let anyone down, I want to please everyone, I want to be perfect.

I went on home leave last week & spent every hour&minute binging&purging, or excersising. & I GAINED WEIGHT. Hm.... I'm going home again this weekend for longer... I'm so lost. I want to be better, but I can't seem to do it. I just keep purging after every meal/snack.... Granted its not everything (They give me meds to help the food digest faster) but I can't stop. I want to stop.

I want to live.,, but theres a heart attack sleeping in my chest.

Oh&For those who don't know I'm currently IP at an EDU.

All I know is falling. · 10-08-2010, 08:28 PM

Helen, baby, you will not be letting anybody down by telling them what's going on for you and how you're really feeling. I promise that much. In fact, it'll make people happier that you're opening up. You don't need to be perfect hon, there isn't such a thing as perfection. Even though I know how upsetting it is to hear that.

Please keep fighting, I love you so much, I know you can do this. I know you can. You're such a beautiful, amazing, lovely, caring, kind, talented, smart, funny, wonderful person. There's so many people who love you, and who believe in you. I know you can recover. We know you can recover. You said it yourself- you want to, you don't want to die. Keep fighting, you can do this.

You are not fat in the slightest Hel, you're tiny. That's a promise. I wouldn't lie to you, but your eating disorders would. Please keep going.

I'm going to write to you, okay? I love you so much.

*sending you cuddles*

Alone and Scared · 10-08-2010, 08:48 PM

Talking to people and being honest and open is a really good thing..... Pretending everything is fine and things are all okay is actually closer to letting people down, because they can't help and support you in the correct way if you are not being honest with them. I'm not sure that made sense at all..... What I mean is, you have an amazing opportunity and you have to try your hardest to use it in the best way you can, being honest and open about how you are feeling, what you are doing and how things are for you is actually a very good thing because it means you are using the services in the right way. You won't let people down by being honest, being honest is fighting back and going in the right direction; it's strong and brave and part of recovery.

It's going to be rubbish and it's going to be hard; but it's possible Helen. There is more to life than an Eating Disorder; there is more to you than an Eating Disorder.... You have to really fight though, you have to really want this. xxxx

holdxyourxheadxhigh · 10-08-2010, 08:49 PM

I'm so sorry hun. I think you should tell them, so you'll have more support. If you ever want to talk, I'm just a PM away.
*hugs*

xLeahNicole

Alone and Scared · 10-08-2010, 08:52 PM

Oh, and as for the feeling 'fat'? An Eating Disorder will lie to you, it'll make you feel bigger than you and your perception is likely to be distorted. Try to trust the people around you, they have no reason to lie to you, they have no reason to want you to be fat; they want you to be well. Your BMI states that you are underweight, no matter how you feel about yourself and your thoughts and opinions on yourself, medically you know differently. xx

SammiKins · 10-08-2010, 09:46 PM

I don't have much to say because I don't know you, but I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. Firstly, for going into the unit in the first place. Secondly, for TRYING to get better even though you still slip up. Of course you will, it's normal.

Can I ask you how you feel about the AN/Binge Purging Type diagnosis? Do you agree with it (deep down)? There is more to life than an eating disorder... just think how liberated, how FREE, you will feel when you kick this bitch out of your brain.

Sorry I'm not much help, just wanted to show my support.
xx

The One Who · 10-08-2010, 09:53 PM

Helen, you need to talk to the staff and let them know how you are feeling. Pretending you are okay isn't going to help you. Telling them how you are feeling is not letting anyone down. You need to try to make the most of this opportunity you have. You want to beat this, to recover, to have a future without this ED.

Emmabob. · 10-08-2010, 10:48 PM

I don't have any advice or support hun, I just wanna let u know I've read this & I wanna send u hugs.

nowhereman · 11-08-2010, 01:12 AM

Aw helen you wont let anyone down by telling them how you really feel and they need to know so they can help you. i know it must be so hard in there but you CAN and will get better if you work at it by being open and honest. please try. *hugs*

GoldDustReturnz · 11-08-2010, 01:15 AM

Hey lovely,
Its Amber btw I changed my username.
Not got much usefull to say, other than you won't be letting anyone down by telling the truth.
You are brave and strong and are doing amazing there

it's ok you gained a little babe, it means your getting better!

It means your beating it, your taking control, your amazing.
Remember that!

*cuddles*

Rhea-Billie-Tate · 11-08-2010, 01:15 AM

Eating disorders feed on secrets and lies. Keep talking, you're not letting anyone down by admitting that you're still really struggling. You're there because you need support, please let them help you.
I think it's normal to find the first extended leave incredibly difficult and to slip back, you're back in the environment where your illness was at it's worst. When I was IP everyone struggled with going home, I know I definitely fell right back into old routines as though I'd never left.
Keep fighting, your ED won't go without a fight and it's going to try everything to pull you back. You can do this, all you can do is keep picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and trying again.
The staff want you to get all the support that you need, they can't fight for you if they don't know what's going on. They're not naive, they know how hard this is. No one expects you to be perfect except you, it's not possible.

Take care of yourself,

NeverBetter · 11-08-2010, 01:20 AM

hunni one thing i can tell you for sure you are not NOT fat you are beautiful
and you got to remeber why u wanted help to get better you need to get better cuz u want to pleasing everyone eles ,isnt good your the one who suffers you need to open up let people in
i know its hard i belive u can do this you can beat this u just got to stay strong im gunna support u know matter what u choose.
and even if u gained weight that means nothink your still ill u still desereve help u deserve to be free and happy
*hugs*

_plastic · 11-08-2010, 09:19 AM

Can't add much to what the guys said,

Stay string Helen you can do this, you deserve good health, fight for it.

Cryptic. · 11-08-2010, 12:54 PM

Baby, I think you shouldn't go on home leave because it will just repeat itself if you're not ready, I do think you should face it sometime but right now seems like the time not to do so.

I believe whatever your label, you clearly struggle with your relationship with food, whether it's anorexia or bulimia, you still have difficulties & struggles & it'll feel like hell at times, & you'll want to end your existance because you feel anything would be better than the trap you're in.

Just know though, although you may always have had an eating disorder in the past, you can still recover for the future & get out of it. Whether it's chronic or not, I don't know, I believe it'll always be at the back of your mind, of course it will, it's like any other MH illness, but you can live & you can recover fully & you can be free.

Right now, you're engaging in different behaviors, ones that are difficult & you're losing control over the behaviors you've been so used to for years, that feels ... there are no words to describe how it feels, but I know you feel broken & like you can't be "fixed" or recover, but you can, anyone can, even those on their deathbeds can.

This is your ED being scared right now. Keep fighting it.

You need to show this to your psychiatrist or therapist or primary nurse so they can understand what's going on inside.

I love you.

Buttons. · 11-08-2010, 01:13 PM

You are letting other people and yourself down MORE by not being honest with people. It's actually braver and more constructive to tell the truth about how bad things are for you. You deserve better than this life. Please try and talk to the staff.

Cryptic. · 11-08-2010, 04:27 PM

She just discharged herself...

[LittleMonster] · 11-08-2010, 04:42 PM

:O
Why on earth :(

Cryptic. · 11-08-2010, 04:46 PM

I don't know.
i dont ****ing know.
she said she cant do it.
she said she'll call me when shes home.

Buttons. · 11-08-2010, 04:47 PM

Oh ****.

SammiKins · 11-08-2010, 04:50 PM

Sarah, honey, there could be a reasonable explanation to why she's discharged herself. I don't know why she would, I didn't even think she actually could do it...

I'm glad she'll call you when she's home, but there's another few weeks of funding left, I don't know why she'd do this especially when she's in such a dangerous state physically...

I hope you're okay, well as okay as you can be in the circumstances.