Triggering (SI) - What should I tell the doctor?

[Flabbergast]

After it came out that I cut last week, I finally told my mother that I want to go to the doctor again and maybe see if I can get on a different medication and see if he can help me find one on one therapy. But the problem is that there's a lot going on in my head that no one knows about, and I'm scared to tell the dr, because I've had so many bad experiences with drs and I don't want to lose this one.

I've been suicidal lately, which isn't really anything new. I've also been.. not entirely here, I suppose. I'm having a horrible time telling the difference between my dreams and reality lately, if that makes sense. And I tend to wake up hallucinating, so that's not very helpful.

I've been thinking about hurting myself a lot. It's all I ever think about right now. Last night in my dream, when I realized I was dreaming, that's all I did. I punched things, and when that didn't work, I found something and cut. Because it was a dream so it didn't count as anything. But at the same time, I wasn't entirely sure it was a dream. But that didn't stop me. A part of me wanted to die.

I'm terrified to be alone. I'm terrified to leave the house. I can't concentrate. I just feel numb emotionally most of the time, and when I don't, my moods cycle so fast I can barely keep up.

I feel like I'm going insane. I can't live like this. I really really can't live like this. And I keep picturing myself walking into his office and just telling him that and breaking down. But I can't do that.

I'm just so terrified that he's going to react like the other doctors have. That he's going to say it's all in my head and I have to get over it.

[tamobhuuta]

my immediate reaction was 'tell him everything' because really, they need to know the whole story. the whole point of mental health is that it's in your head - that doesn't mean you have to deal with it by yourself. on the other hand, if there's stuff you're not ready to talk about yet, that's fine too, although at some point they're going to need to know so they can best help you. i understand your fears about being told it's nothing but i kind of think, it's worth that risk if there's a chance they might help, as things sound quite bad at the moment. and we're always here.

[crazykat]

I agree tell him as much as you are able to, they can only help when they all the information. I think it's especially important to tell the doctor how unsafe you are feeling as well so they can put things into place to help you stay safer. Best of luck with the doctor.

[Albemarle]

I think it is really important to tell the doctor, and I think it is great that you like your current doctor.

From what you've written, I can't see anything that would make you 'lose' your doctor at all. All GPs will at some point have come into contact with people with MH issues and will have been trained in them, so hopefully it will be fine.

Good luck.