i haven't posted on ryl in a while. maybe i need to post to get it all out of my head. maybe i need some feedback about what is going on with me. maybe i need someone to relate to me.
its been a crazy past 5 months for me. i had a breakdown of sorts in March with a 2 week stay on the psych ward, followed by 4 weeks off from work on sick leave, followed by loss of my job and summer beginning. well along with the loss of my job came the loss of my health insurance and subsequent services such as therapist and psych. and possibly my medications. (and there are LOTS of meds)
i have only been out of the hosp for 4 months and i had/have been feeling sooooo much better but out of the blue today i am feeling really tense, crying, obsessing about SH, hospital admission, and self sabotage. i want to abruptly stop taking my meds so i can completely crumble and justify SH and SU. these thoughts are not right. it is an old familiar feeling creeping back in. i don't have the support i used to have and i am kinda scared.
*waves* i don't know anything about the american health system so i'm afraid i can't really help or give you any practical advice there.
I'm sorry you lost your job and everything, that must be rough.
You say you don't have the support you used to, well can you build up a new support system for yourself? Do you have friends you can call and chat with, or can sit with you when you're really low?
It's okay to be scared, really it is.
I'm sorry, i'm struggling to think today, but i wanted you to know that someone had read this and was thinking of you.
Do you have a plan of what you do when you start feeling like this? Like, idk, when you start feeling low you have a nice bath, then paint your nails, then if you're still feeling bad you do a crossword etc etc? Sometimes a little pampering can help us feel better about ourselves and distraction can really help keep those self-destructive thoughts a little further back in our minds.
Take care hun
Ruth
x
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
You keep talking and you keep talking to as many people around you that will listen!!! Thats an order!!
Im short on what to say right now. however im gonna think on this. I just wanted to put something so you know ive read and that i care.
*tickles you and pokes you in an annoying manner to take your mind off the pain*
POKE POKE POKE POKE!!
Love
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Get on your bike and ride!! Ride till it hurts! I mean hurts! Make yourself tired and get some sleep! Im afraid that means no 10 cups of coffee before hand!
*pokes more*
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
thank you both for the replies.
i had a rough night last night. thank god for my bf. he is supportive and i probably would have SH if he wasn't home. i was just crying/out of control feeling. ew.
so...the good news is that today has to be better than last night. the tickles and poking help to distract me. i am going to head off to the book store just to get out of the house for a bit.
because i lost my health benefits from work i have an option to continue my coverage but i have to pay for it outright. it costs over $750/month. now...if i am unemployed...how in hell am i supposed to pay that much for health insurance? well...i decided i need it. it is not an option for me to just not take my meds. even though i want to. i will have to go back to the hospital if i stop my meds. some days i want that comfort and safety of the hospital. i am stuck on the subject and wish my mind would think of other things.
You be careful withthat fish! you could have someones eye out!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
i did get out. i went to the beach on Saturday night to go fishing and i stayed there until sunday afternoon. (drank a giant red bull and was up all night) it was so good to be outside enjoying my bf's company and watching the surf.
i tried the link (((deleted))) and it didn't work. send it again and maybe this time it will.
so ...i guess i am feeling a bit scared that things will get really bad again and i have been fixated on the hospital and how safe i felt there....even though i hated it there and still managed to SH there. it felt like someone was always there to notice the things that i couldn't. i guess i feel like i need someone to tell me that i am ok. or not. i don't trust my own opinion.
what i did was sign up for my continued coverage of health insurance so i can see my therapist. i can't really afford it, but i can't afford not to do it either. i see her tomorrow. will discuss recent upheaval.
anyways. i can't tell you how much it made me smile to come back to this thread and see replies. makes me feel like i belong somewhere.
now i am off to find my shorts. i have lost my shorts somewhere in my apartment. i picked them up to put them on and got distracted.
Did you catch anything? What was the smurf like? Are they really as blue as they look on TV?
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
oh....i forgot to mention that i didn't catch anything except pounds of seaweed.
i am on my own for the next few days. my bf is traveling for work and i am nervous. he won't be back until friday. i am trying to keep my mind from thinking yucky thoughts and staying busy is a big help. i will hopefully sleep ok tonight and ride my bike when i wake up. if i push myself really hard i will feel good, right?
my frozen fish defrosted. damn. now it is just floppy. **tosses thawed fish to matthew**
i think if the bike distracts you and makes you tired and keeps the horrid things at bay then yes its good. Just be careful and dont get hurt doing it! The next few days will be hard but you will get through. Avoid anything triggery on this site. Try to eat well. Get a routine to fill the days and try to leave yourself tired by early evening.
Most imprtantly keep posting if you feel ****!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
hey. thought i would post cuz its getting harder as the hours go by. been alone since tuesday morning and i have just about had enough of my own company. tomorrow will be better. i just wish i had a dial that i could speed through the rest of today.
saw pdoc today and he didn't change anything. i thought i could have some meds decreased. oh well. things could be worse but i still have this little itchy thought in my head about screwing things up and winding up in the hospital. all it would take is for me to stop my meds....which i don't want to take anyways. i guess i never figured myself for someone who is that unstable. but i guess this last 6 months has really broken me.
it feels dumb to even call it a trauma because it was just a job, but it owned me and then broke me.
I met up with a friend from work today who is off with stress. She said to me she felt stupid because they were "such stupid little things". I said to her what imn going to say to you.
Work is often the straw that breaks the camels back. The festering problem is often there just waiting the right moment to surface. Yes; when we break down certain events they can seem little and sometimes dumb or pathetic or whatever. However, when you see them as part of a long chain of events that all come together to make us finally implode then they are all far from being dumb.
**** like this is never pinned to one event.
You have been remarkable! Unstable is ok. Its not a curse or something to be ashamed of. Its like being unsteady on your feet. The positive thig is you recognise it. I also think its ok to feel that pull back towards hospital. Its like you are admitting you need looking after. Perhaps this was something you had neglected for so very long in the past? Always been a fighter i bet??
get some rest. then catch me a fish. Then report on how you got on.
take care
Matthew x
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
you always make sense to me. thank you.
it is not one thing that sent me over the edge, but a culmination of many.
my bf is due home in an hour and i have made it through without any self-destruction. we are beach bound when he arrives home. we'll be down there for the week and hopefully the fishing, sun, and surf will be good for me to change my head a little bit.
i'll catch you a fish and i'll be checking in here. thank you for being logical and rational when i am not. maybe i owe you 2 fish for that.
IT is really hard we spend more of our life at work we spend more time there then in anyother place so it is reasonable to understand why you found it or finding it so hard! To go from stabality to hospital to lots of time on your hands.
I think you did the right thing by keeping the insurance!
BUt i know how u feel its nice to feel like you fit feel like somehow your not quite doing it all alone.
I would love to see the night through on a beach! I love the night feels like you have the hole world to your self it can be an amazing feeling!
Anyway i hope your time away has helped im always here take care luv jad
Don't walk behine me I might got you lost!
Don't walk in front of me I may not follow you!
Don't walk beside me the path is to small!
All we can do is walk our own paths,remember your not alone because we are all walking our own paths together!
