Triggering (SI) - How can I rid this from my life?
Hmm Where to start!
Tonight ... another night of being alone with no one around to talk to, Well not those that know me or understand me!
You know how there are just some people in your life you can talk to about anything any time? Yea I wish my person was here, but as garenteed when you want them they are never around!
No I haven't taken my pill today and yes its partly why I feel like this! But I have exercised and I have chocolate! But still nothing compares to actually taking that sharp razor blade and digging it into my pale white skin just to feel real pain and to see the red blood run down my arm releasing all I feel right now!
I haven't self harmed in months ( poss nearing 6) but for the past week I have been putting it off and putting it off, Its's now becoming unbareable to the point I'm ready to go dig out my blade and cry if its not there and I can't find it! Pathetic huh?
And all this is down to the fact I'm alone, all I want is a guy to hold me close, to care for me and to tell me everything will be ok. To understand, help and support me till I can over come this issue I seem to have with sex! Why do I have an issue with sex?! Because I'm a nut case and am far to sensitive when I think about what my brother went through and how it was so much worse than the emotional abuse I had when I was a kid! I struggle to get close to any guy and when I do I seem to push them away some how that they don't want anything to do with me!
I moved to this city in hope of a new life and to start a fresh. I miss my family, cats and dog! I even miss those people I knew by name/face!
I have no friends and those I do have seem to be closing their doors on me and I'm not too sure why! You may think its due to my depression but I've been keeping that away from them cus they have their own problems, besides no one likes pessimistic people!
I'm sick of living in my own head! I want REAL people to talk to and have REAL conversations with them! As much as I hate work it's a relieve to be there so I can't think cus I don't have the time!
I'm sorry I'm really beginning to babble here!
You know what I really hate is how being a self harmer, having this addiction, will never ever leave your life! It will always be there niggling away at you. One bad day, a look at your scars and you will be reaching for that blade no matter how long you have gone with out doing it! It makes me sick to think I will never have rid of this or if I do and I have children what happens if things get too much for me? I'm not going to care about the children, All I'll care about is making myself feel better and making the pain go away! That truely scares me!
I want this gone! I don't want this no more! The only way to rid it is to make it a permanent one! Unless you guys have any helpful ideas!
Hmmm
First off, i know exactly where you are coming from. Last week i cut myself after 13 months and 8 days without it. Like you i'd spent several days, weeks even building up to it and i got to the point where i would cry if i couldn't find my cutting tools.
But i did, and i did it, and it didn't make me feel any better. I was distressed looking back into that abyss and being back at the bottom of that hole.
The next day i thought to myself, i have a choice here, i can either go back down that road, stay in this pit and continue cutting and whatever else knowing that it's not really going to help anything and end up back at the point where i've almost totally 'broken down'.
Or i can look at this and decide i don't want to go back there, i can put the blades away (i know i should chuck them but i'm not quite at that stage yet) i can move on and decided i DON'T want to go back down that path.
I chose to move on and get on with it. And it helped, i've come back up out of that pit and i'm functioning again.
No, this addiction is never going to leave your life, just like with an alcoholic it's always gonna be there in the backround, but YOU can choose to leave this addiction.
It's good that you're still managing to go to work :)
Maybe you shouldn't avoid people just because you're feeling depressed at the moment. Like you i tend to stay away from my friends when i'm really low, but that's not the answer. They can help in more ways than you can imagine.
I have this one friend, Saph, who just totally ignores all my stuff, all the depressive crap. It's not because she doesn't care but more because she just can't deal with it i guess, but she's the one who's there for me when i'm low and it's kinda refreshing being with someone who doesn't ask how i am and we just hang out. Maybe tell your friends, or one of your friends, that you're not great at the moment but you just need some 'normality' and to completely take it out of the equation?
With the children thing, i have similar fears, i also worry that part of the origin of my 'issues' is genetical - i'm keeping a very close eye on my sister's kids to see if i can dispell that worry! But when you become a parent i think you find a kind of inner strength that you didn't know you had, that seems to be what happended with my sister anyway.
As for the issues with sex, i can't answer why you have them hun, but it's nothing to be ashamed of and you WILL get there in the end.
Take care of yourself,
Ruth
x
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
Thank you so much! :)
It's not that I stay away from my friends, I just have very few and the ones I have obviously have their own lives and rarely see them. Tho the point of moving here was to be able to see them more! I just don't like to show them Im miserable!
I have one friend online that I chat to alot even by phone! Met him via here actually and he's the only person I know that I can be so open with about things!
But I've just got to the stage where I'm sick of fighting with myself, I can't support myself any more! I need help from others! But at the same time I just can't be assed, I just want it all to end! It's stupid!
Feeling so alone and miserable and all!
Well I'm off to see the doc now to get some more pills I may ask about some more counsilling!
Thanks again! *hugs*
we all get to that stage where we're sick of fighting with ourselves and feel we can't support ourselves anymore.
Maybe rather than fighting with yourself it may help to just try and accept you are feeling this way and accept that it WILL pass and the low you're feeling at the moment won't be forever, even if it feels like that at time.
I don't think i'm making sense, i'm a little confuddled and tired at the moment.
You're definitely not alone in this feeling. I know what it's like to feel lonely, do you have any social activities you do? I'm wondering whether you might benefit from doing something one evening a week, like, i don't know, a salsa class (or whatever floats your boat) and meet some new people, maybe make more friends. I don't know, i don't know you well enough to know if that sort of thing would be enjoyable for you or not. Just a thought.
Hope the drs went well.
*hugs back*
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
You make sense to me hun! I get what you are saying!
I'm quite a shy person really and I struggle to small talk with people I don't know! So making new friends has always been such an issue for me! I can not really afford to take up a social activity, most all cost money and unfortunately I don't have that money! It sucks!
I do go swimming, not as often as I did but enough! Not that I spoke to anyone! Also decided to take up photography to help kill some time so I'm not really left to think too much! But as you can tell these are unsocial things I seem to be doing!
Today I'm not sure I really care, the thought of self harming ain't really there but it will be later tonight as all I keep thinking is how much of a pathetic person I am!
I'm alone,
My friend seems to be pushing me away and I don't know why she is or even if she realises this!
What is the use of a person who is so easily swayed by peoples emotions?!
Why do I get affected so easily but peoples moods?!
I have no purpose on this planet!
I know nothing but the fact I see this world for what it really is which in turn makes me miserable and to men this is not an attractive quality that they want!
So when this world blows itself up (which it will do eventually) I will either be dying alone, (even tho everyone technically dies alone) Or I'll be one of the only survivors! And I'll be wishing I had died as I have nothing about me that can help others!
I wish I could help others but I don't see what it is about me that can truely help people!
I feel like a waste of a human!
24 and have achieved nothing with my life! All I have managed to do is isolate myself from everything! No real life friends, no family close by, no partner, a job I don't really like, no money to do things to help me socialise, I don't drink cus of the pills I'm on, I'm lucky if I can stay awake past 10pm! I mean this isn't normal for someone of my age!
I look at my old friends and people I was at school with and they all either have everything or they have a few of the things I wish I had! I hate them but at the same time I'm happy for them! I'm so jealous that things seem to have come so easy for them and I have nothing! Even my brothers are all doing well for themselves! Why not me?
I look back at my teen years and I missed out on so much! Why? Why has depression isolated me from everyone? Why can't I just have a friend that will listen, even if they just shut themselves off from taking on board my emotions?!
I can not see this ever changing! I hate this! I want things to change! But I can't see why I should?! I mean what reason do I have for continuing? I'm nothing but an insignificant parasite wasting others air space!
I also sit and think that I have nothing major in my past to make me so depressed! So why am I depressed? Why can I not be happy? I have more than others in the world do! I feel so selfish and mean to feel so depressed! I don't think I have the right to feel this way!
But I just don't know how to go out there and be happy with what I do have! How stupid is that?
People are right when they say I seem to enjoy being miserable! It's not a matter of I enjoy it! It's a matter of its the only way I know how to be! It's the only thing I know how to cope with and to make last for days! That's bad right? Stupid too!
Grrr I'm sorry for my rambling! I just had to let out how I'm feeling right now! I'm that pathetic I can't hurt myself but I sit here praying someone kills me asap!
I'm seeing my mum and dad on sunday! I'll end up putting on a face, saying everything is fine and that life seems to be going well in the city! All so I don't worry them and upset them! I can't stand hurting those I love, Yet I don't want to be here any more! Grrr I hope this world bombs itself soon and I'm the one of millions who dies! I'm a coward I know! Call me what you like, this is how I feel!
And for the record I hate feeling!!! Emotions are what is killing me inside!!
You make sense to me hun! I get what you are saying!
I'm quite a shy person really and I struggle to small talk with people I don't know! So making new friends has always been such an issue for me! I can not really afford to take up a social activity, most all cost money and unfortunately I don't have that money! It sucks!
I do go swimming, not as often as I did but enough! Not that I spoke to anyone! Also decided to take up photography to help kill some time so I'm not really left to think too much! But as you can tell these are unsocial things I seem to be doing!
Fair enough, finances are generally difficult for most people at the moment i think. At least you are doing SOMETHING that gets you out of the house - even if you do think it's unsociable.
Today I'm not sure I really care, the thought of self harming ain't really there but it will be later tonight as all I keep thinking is how much of a pathetic person I am!
You are NOT a pathetic person. If you feel like calling yourself that, then just remember you're also labelling me and thousands of others struggling with similar things pathetic. YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE LIKE THAT SO DON'T TALK YOURSELF DOWN!
I'm alone,
My friend seems to be pushing me away and I don't know why she is or even if she realises this!
If you feel alone then you need to try and reach out to people. Is your friend actually pushing you away? or is it just your perception being skewed by your current emotions?
What is the use of a person who is so easily swayed by peoples emotions?!
What is the use of a person who ISN'T swayed by peoples emotions? It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just learning how to deal with it in an appropriate manner. For instance i work in a shop and i used to get VERY upset if customers got cross with me or started shouting (i used to cry and have to go out and sit in the staff room) but i learnt to kinda 'dissociate' myself from it, telling myself they weren't yelling at ME but at the shop assistant who can't get them what they want because they don't have id/ we don't have it/ ad nauseum.
Why do I get affected so easily but peoples moods?!
Partly because you're a good, kind, caring person. Also because your own experiences have made you more vulnerable and sensitive. Some people are just born more sensitive than others, again not necessarily a bad thing, just learning how to deal with it.
I have no purpose on this planet!
Then MAKE a purpose! I can't tell you the meaning of life, i can't tell you waht your purpose is, what your destiny is, but if you make a purpose and stick with it on the road you could have such a GREAT journey along the way!
I know nothing but the fact I see this world for what it really is which in turn makes me miserable and to men this is not an attractive quality that they want!
Maybe take some time out to see the lighter things in life? There is a lot, a helluva lotta 'bad' stuff in the world, but there's also a whole load of good stuff. Unfortunately good news doesn't sell newspapers.
So when this world blows itself up (which it will do eventually) I will either be dying alone, (even tho everyone technically dies alone) Or I'll be one of the only survivors! And I'll be wishing I had died as I have nothing about me that can help others!
I wish I could help others but I don't see what it is about me that can truely help people!
Oh sweetie! You have so SO much to offer! Of course you could help others! You've actually helped me a bit by making this thread, because i get stuck in similar negative thought patterns and by thinking about what to say to you, and responding to you i'm also able to tell myself some of the same stuff.
I feel like a waste of a human!
You're most definitely NOT a waste of a human! Now suicide...THAT would be a waste of a human!
24 and have achieved nothing with my life! All I have managed to do is isolate myself from everything! No real life friends, no family close by, no partner, a job I don't really like, no money to do things to help me socialise, I don't drink cus of the pills I'm on, I'm lucky if I can stay awake past 10pm! I mean this isn't normal for someone of my age!
YOU'RE ONLY 24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! Do you realise how many people still haven't left their parents house at that age? How many are still financially dependant on their parents????? And you say you've acheived NOTHING?????!!!!!!
I don't know how long you've been struggling with stuff like this, how long you've been 'ill' or whatever you like to call it, but to have managed to leave home, be financially independant (even though that often DOES mean being skint most of the time lol), to have been brave enough to move so far to make a new start for yourself. That took SOME guts girl!!!
Congratulations, even though you may not feel it, you are a SUCCESS at being a human adult!
I look at my old friends and people I was at school with and they all either have everything or they have a few of the things I wish I had! I hate them but at the same time I'm happy for them! I'm so jealous that things seem to have come so easy for them and I have nothing! Even my brothers are all doing well for themselves! Why not me?
Just remember you never know what goes on behind closed doors hun, your brothers making more money doesn't mean that their lives are any better. Probably some of your old school friends look at you and are jealous of you too. Does it feel weird to think that? Well, i guareentee that at least one person you went to school with is jealous of what you've acheived or the life they perceive you as having.
I look back at my teen years and I missed out on so much! Why? Why has depression isolated me from everyone? Why can't I just have a friend that will listen, even if they just shut themselves off from taking on board my emotions?!
Because you did. Because other stuff was going on. I missed most of my teens, but that's past and i can't change it now. Don't regret it. However awful it may seem right now, remember you wouldn't be the lovely person you are without the life experiences you had.
I can not see this ever changing! I hate this! I want things to change! But I can't see why I should?! I mean what reason do I have for continuing? I'm nothing but an insignificant parasite wasting others air space!
If you can't see something as changing then it won't. Self-fulfilling prophesy, self-defeatist, however you want to phrase it, you ahve to WANT things to change and be able to ENVISION things changing if you're ever going to actually change them.
I also sit and think that I have nothing major in my past to make me so depressed! So why am I depressed? Why can I not be happy? I have more than others in the world do! I feel so selfish and mean to feel so depressed! I don't think I have the right to feel this way!
But I just don't know how to go out there and be happy with what I do have! How stupid is that?
People are right when they say I seem to enjoy being miserable! It's not a matter of I enjoy it! It's a matter of its the only way I know how to be! It's the only thing I know how to cope with and to make last for days! That's bad right? Stupid too!
Actually it's perfectly understandable. I don't know what it was that made me 'ill', i had nothing major in my past, although a LOT of minor things.
I think you've been feeling like this and stuck in your hole for so long now that it's become difficult for you to remember what's it like before it, and however awful this place is for you, it's also known and comfortable, you know where you are in the bottom of the pit.
Well, here's a rope, come up to the surface and see the light with me, we'll take a walk in the sunshine and the breeze so you can see how good it CAN be if you make it so.
Grrr I'm sorry for my rambling! I just had to let out how I'm feeling right now! I'm that pathetic I can't hurt myself but I sit here praying someone kills me asap!
I'm seeing my mum and dad on sunday! I'll end up putting on a face, saying everything is fine and that life seems to be going well in the city! All so I don't worry them and upset them! I can't stand hurting those I love, Yet I don't want to be here any more!
Again, i totally get this. I'm the same, in fact my mum tends to guilt trip me when i'm upset "we did our best" and makes it worse so it is SO SO much easier to just pretend i'm okay. I've got so good at it that i can't take that face of anymore. If that makes you feel a little better, if it makes it a little easier for you to cope, then pretend to them but remember that they love you and will be there for you when you need them.
Grrr I hope this world bombs itself soon and I'm the one of millions who dies! I'm a coward I know! Call me what you like, this is how I feel!
And for the record I hate feeling!!! Emotions are what is killing me inside!!
I'm sorry this is so long hun, i wanted to respond to a lot of what you said, and i'm exhausted and when i'm tired i tend to ramble. like i'm doing now.
hang in there!
Ruth x
Last edited by ((deleted)) : 07-08-2010 at 04:01 PM.
Reason: changing colour of my speech to make it clearer
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
Thank you for responding hun! At least someone has! *hugs*
I'm sorry if I have offended you or anyone else! Just dislike myself so much as you can see that my self confidence is rock bottom! I am and have been trying to exercise to help combat this hate!
I know all that you are saying to me as I advice others the same! "if you don't like it change it" etc.
I kinda gave in to all the urges last night and am feeling alot calmer and ok about things tonight! I know I shouldn't have but I felt I had no alternative at the time and just wanted it all to stop!
So my mind is just a little blank right now and have no idea what to say really! :/
You haven't offended me at all!!!!!!!
Sorry if i came off that way - i had just come off an 8 hour shift and i hadn't slept the previous day...sooo i was very very tired.
I think this stuff is so easy to say to someone else but so much harder to try and apply it to yourself. I've always found that myself.
I find the whole mirror, saying something good about yourself ten times sorta thing SOOOOOOO cringeworthy, but maybe it would help you? I don't blame you if you don't want to do it.
What i would like you to do though is to take a notebook/bit of paper and every day i want you to write down on that bit of paper something good about yourself, whether it's complimenting yourself or something you've acheived that day, a menial task you did really really well, anything, just make sure every day you take the time to look back and find something good.
There will be something, even if it's "i did the dishes even though i really couldn't be bothered".
You say you gave into the urges last night, i'm assuming that means s/i.
That doesn't mean you've failed. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Whatever was going on last night, whatever was going round in your head, you still coped with it, even if you needed to s/i to cope, you DID cope.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
x
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
Being lonely is really difficult. It is hard in itself but if you are already struggling with depression it just exacerbates it even more.
Perhaps you could tell your friend outright that you would like to spend a few hours with her? Maybe she just isn't aware of how you are feeling. You don't need to tell her about how bad you are feeling but maybe allot specific time once a wk or something to get a coffee or something?
Moving to a new city is hard for anyone even if their friends already live there. It can be a really isolating experience. If you don't have the money for activities maybe you could volunteer once a week or even get a part time job for a few hours in the evening or at the weekend. That is a good way to meet people and get to know the area.
It sounds as though you're going through a stressful period having moved etc and maybe you need to talk with your dr about upping the dosage of your meds for the short term to help you cope better?
I'm already on quite a high dosage really! (not sure if I can say the exact dosage on this site) The dosage is fine really, It's if I for get to take it or left alone to think too long!
My mum said to me how she was stressing a little over me moving but to me it never seemed to phase me, yea I felt a little lonely at first and all was a bit weird but once I got working and settled in everything had been fine! Just for some reason things have got to the point I'm sick of seeing couples, or older people with their parents, watching people hug wishing for just once I got that meaning ful hug that makes you cry! It's been over a year and a half since I had a bf (of some kind) to hug!
As for my friend.. long story short! We had agreed to meet and go swimming every monday, I asked to miss one week because the injury I have to my shoulder was hurting too badly! From then on She got dumped by her bf and she kept blowing me off. Finally met up with her three weeks a go for the first time in about two months then we met again the thurs just gone! And the next time we meet will be on her terms as to when she aint busy! I kinda have the feeling she either cant stand to see me cus she met her ex through a party we went too or its because plain and simple she dont want to be friends with me! I just dont no what to do or if I should bring this up with her!
Ruth thank you, today has been great, seeing my parents has help! My crazy dad wore my hat I had left behind all the way to london and around london! Strangely he didn't look out of place! :/ It's kinda made me realise even if they are the only reason I am here it is a good reason to be here! Oh and I have Krispy Kremes (anyone who has had one will understand the need to buy them every time you visit london)
I wore a shirt so the fresh scars wouldnt be seen! So no awkwardness with my mum! :)
Things seem good today! But for how long? how long before the urges to wona cut come back and stress me out til i give in? I cant live a life where every 6months I self harm! how do I get past that mark in my life?
hmm.......
oh yes....krispy kremes are the shiz!!!!!!!! I love the maple iced one....mmmm.
I can't answer how long hun, it happens. Every six months isn't that bad you know, probably not meant to say that but even so.
Just try and hold onto the good things!
I know how tough it can be, but it does get better, eventually.
also, krispy kremes DO freeze really well, and only take like an hour to defrost again....just a thought for something nice to take your mind off it when you next have a rough day ;)
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
Why now?
Why am I feeling so crappy now?
I think I am doing ok and having a better day and suddenly out of the blue I feel like crap again! I don't even know why!
This is beginning to annoy me! I hate it when I'm stuck in this rut and have no idea how to get out of it! and only I "can get me out of it"!
I'm even now sitting questioning my online mates friendship when he hasn't even done anything wrong! Why?
Why am I trying to push him away too? He doesn't deserve that! All he's been doing is trying to help me!
I am completely frustrating myself this afternoon! I have had a good morning and the sun is shining! So why am I feeling like this?
I want to pull my hair out, rip something to pieces, possibly get my blade out if its all guna make this go away!
ARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now my make up is ruined from my pathetic crying! I have no idea where all this negativity has come from or why I am having such a hard time of it!
The frustration is really irritating me!
I think Im guna do my work out dvd and see how I feel after! maybe it can relieve me! God I hope so! I don't want to be pushing more people away when I barely have anyone as it is!!!
*sigh*
It's really positive that you did your work out dvd. Did it make you feel better? I often find exercise helps.
Do you do self-soothing stuff? You know, face masks and foot baths when you're feeling bad? That's another good thing to do when you're low, partly cos it's nurturing and it completely contradicts the 'hurt myself' thought.
Really personal question, and you don't have to answer it but i suggest you think about it, where are you in your cycle at the moment? And do you find that you often get 'like this' at certain times in your cycle? It may be worth keeping some form of a mood diary for a couple of months to see if there is any correlation. I'm not saying there is, but if that's the case then your dr may be able to help with that.
take care of yourself
x
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
Oh yea! A week or so before im due on I can get well depressed and feel really alone! personally i dont see how they can do anything about it. I get hormonal.. what women doesnt!
You no theres a history of depression in my family! So not only do i suffer big style with shyness and making new friends i suffer from depression! YAY ME!!
Well I had a revelation the other day and im trying to stand by that! And I have no one to talk to today so am trying really hard to enjoy my own company and to not ring my mate cus i no he is going to be busy this weekend with his brother and son!
But i have decided to start a lil diary of positive things each day! and see how that goes too!
I hear today is FREYA'S DAY (Friday) on this most auspicious and blessed sacred day of THIRTEEN! Was a day for women's self-care, sexual & physical health - a reminder to take care of our bodies in every way! So Im trying very hard to enjoy it in any way i can but am struggling slightly!
Sounds good hun. yeah every woman gets some hormonal flucuations but it can affect some women more than others. I know i've stabalised quite a bit since i went on the implant, so maybe something like that would help you. It's always worth discussing it with your dr if you want.
Very glad you've started a little positive diary :)
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
if your period affects you to an extreme degree, you might need to see a doc. i have PMDD which is much worse than normal PMS. there are meds for it that can help the symptoms.
