I'll try and be careful not to break the rules, please be aware that this is triggering.
Does anyone else feel like they are a failure at self harming? I always feel like I don't do it as 'well' as I want, even though logical I should do it at all!
I know severity of SI does relate to emotional pain, but I feel like I obviously don't feel as bad as I do, because I'd SI more if I did.
I feel like a failure which is silly as not self harming badly is a good thing.
Sometimes I wish I could do worse.
Am I alone?
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
It's also, at least for me, my inner strength not letting me go as far as my perceived, outer weakness wants. I feel like crap afterwards, but then I think more and realise that it's really a good thing.
Sometimes i feel like that too, for me, if my scars look bad then that makes me feel better, i don't go round showing them to anybody, it's a personal thing, the more bad they look the better i feel. But when they heal or don't look that bad thanks to some very flattering lighting i feel sad and annoyed that i haven't done enough damage to myself. Your not alone (hugs)
I feel like oh, they aren't deep so apparently I didn't do it right. In my mind, if they aren't bad then people will think I'm doing it for attention and not because I'm really in pain.
Nobody ever sees though.
That's one of my fears about going to the doctor. I think that if I tell him I want help and he sees that they aren't bad he will think I'm fine.
I have never really felt like a failure at SI though it has made me think that the cuts etc arent good enough/deep enough etc. Saying that i did have to go to A&E a bit but i never got stitches so i felt a bit like a failure. Now i completely regret it but i understand were everyone is coming from.
I feel exactly the same, I often feel like im not a 'real' self harmer (even though iv been cutting nearly everyday :( ) and not 'brave' enough to go deeper. I have had to go to hospital once, got sterri stiches but part of me wants to do worse and worse damage. I want to prove that I can and that im not a coward, I want to be 'good' at self harm because I feel that im crap at everything els. I do have my rational part of myself that is glad that i havent done more damage but that part of my brain seems less and less in control.
Thanks so much for the replies, I can't believe so many people feel like me.
I feel like I'm having a constant dialogue in my head - one person is telling me to do it, that it'll prove how much I'm hurting, that it is good, that it'll help, and the other person is arguing about it.
Its all or nothing
And nothings all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out
Nah, same here. I will keep on making different cuts until I get one I'm 'happy' with, which generally means very deep. Its only then that I get the relief I need from cutting.
"don't forget the songs that made you cry, and the songs that saved your life..."
You're certainly not alone (but you probably have already relised that from this thread now!) My cuts are so shallow because when I'm actually cutting the rational part of my brain is too much in control to let me do the things that I wanted just before I was going to cut. At the time it's frustrating but of course ultimately it's a good thing because I can still wear short sleeves without things being too noticeable. Any doctor or mental health professional worth their salt though should see any kind of self harm no matter the severity as a serious problem. I keep trying to tell myself that the severity doesn't matter because just the fact that any self harming is occuring means that that person needs and deserves help.
Sorry I'll get off my sopbox now!
Kiran
xx
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I feel the same too. Though self-harm is self-harm regardless of how bad or how often you do it. The fact you're hurting yourself shows you're in a great deal of pain.
[quote=Katiee;2433397]I feel the same too. Though self-harm is self-harm regardless of how bad or how often you do it. The fact you're hurting yourself shows you're in a great deal of pain.[/quote
That's exactly how I feel. The severity of the injuries doesn't equal the amount of emotional pain someone could be feeling.
Last edited by Celticroots : 14-08-2010 at 06:20 AM.
Reason: didn't look right
I feel the same. Especially when I don't cut for a bit (usually only a day or so). I start to feel like I'm faking it or not doing it when I should be and so quite often I cut because I feel like I should, not because I'm distressed enough to really need to (sorry, I'm not sure I can explain it that well). Then I still feel like I'm faking because I didn't have to and it's never as deep as I would like. When cuts start to heal is also I time for that feeling of not having done enough.
Always seem to get things just that little bit wrong.
"don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart"
I feel the same way. Most of the time, I don't cut very deep cause I want less of a chance to get caught. But truth be told, I only feel like a "real" self harmer on those occasions when I do go very deep.
"Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice."-- E.M. Forster
I felt that way when I was unable to use a certain 'tool'. How could I not hurt myself with this object thats designed to cut? It made me feel stupid as well. It wasnt until awhile later another SIer said the same thing, they couldnt use the same tool. Really though there is no right or wrong way, well doing it at all isnt good, but you know what I mean :) Point is, there is no failing and your a brave person for getting up every morning and fighting the urges
Yep, I feel that way too. A co-worker of mine cut for 7 years, and when I see her scars I feel so inadequate because they are so much worse. I feel like a fake. And I always feel like if I'm in public and not hiding it, then people must think I'm a faker or "poser"
Me too. I've never cut deep, and never much, and though I do have some scars, they're small and barely visible if you don't know they're there -of course I always see them anyway, and then I start worrying, but that's another story altogether.
I never know what to think of it, seeing as -in my opinion,- I'm barely self-harming. Just some scratches. But at the same time, I know that it doesn't matter that my 'scratches' are so light, and so few. I know that it's the pain inside of me and the will to drive it away trough cutting - or scratching - and actually doing that, is what makes me a self-harmer.
In some way I always wanted to be better at self harm, to cut deeper, to cut more.. But I know that that's not a good thing. Maybe it's better not to be 'good' at self harm, because all it does is hurting you. But maybe self harm isn't a thing you can be good or bad at, because whether you cut deep or not, it's always hurting your body, which can't be good.
A hand above the water / An angel reaching for the sky
Is it raining in heaven - Do you want us to cry?
