Self-sabotaging

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I got out of the hospital a week ago and since then something has been bugging me. A long time ago I hid 3 different tools to hurt myself with in my journal. My mom brought in the journal and unbeknownst to her or the staff there were blades inside it. I knew though. I should have told them but I didn't- not right away at least. I cut several times over the course of the 3 days I had my journal with me. I fessed up after three days to my doctor. He wasn't mad, but my nurse was! She searched everything in my room, the lights, the bed, all my clothes, made me strip and confiscated my journal. I didn't get it back until I was discharged which really sucked as I needed it to write my thoughts down.

Anyways, my nurse asked me why I didn't come to her when I wanted to cut. I told her I was scared to (she was kinda scary tbh) and she said that I wasn't scared. That this is what I do. That I'm self-sabotaging. That I was wasting my time in the hospital by cutting myself while there. That I was wasting her time. That I was never going to get better unless I threw away all my tools and stopped sabotaging myself.

This was 2 days after another nurse told me that I needed to get my act together and be thankful for my life because there are starving kids in Africa who would kill for my life. Real helpful.

To the point...
What do I do? Obviously bringing tools to the hospital and using them was not the best plan but I was scared they'd get mad at me for having them and I'd be there even longer. Well that exact thing happened so whatever.
I don't want to sabotage myself, I don't try to. It just happens...

What do you think?

[Sigma]

idk, my experience is that MH professionals will say 'tell me if you feel like X', but if you do tell them all they do is point out that there's nothing they can do about it... and the starving kids in Africa bit is so unprofessional and unhelpful I don't really know what to say!

having said that... you did have a choice at that point, and chose to keep the blades & cut, perhaps a way of being productive about it now would be to think through how you came to that decision, and try & find the points where you could have acted differently & work out what you would want to do if you were inthat situation again. Not just 'tell someone' but when would you tell them, who would you tell, what words would you use etc. Use it as something to learn from. Good luck :)

[Albemarle]

Firstly the behaviour of those two nurses was unacceptable and utterly unprofessional. Blaming and having a go at someone who is clearly in difficulty is not helpful and not acceptable at all.

It might be worth seeing if you can find an understanding MH professional, or perhaps a counsellor, or even try a mental health support organisation, to develop strategies to cope when you are tempted to self-harm.

Also, have you looked at the available info about equivalents to self harm? These are non-harmful and non-damaging things you can do that could still simulate the sensation that SI can give you without actually hurting you.

The nurse stripping you of your clothes and confiscating your personal journal is not appropriate and if you have the energy for it, I think you should look at making a complaint (perhaps with the support of an MH support/advocacy organisation) against the nurse.

[xlaurenx]

I do actually understand were your coming from. Eventhough i have never been in a psych ward i have been in hospital for od-ing and i do understand being scared to tell people if you have blades etc. As i never told the nurses then. Also i agree with the post above me, that you should make a complain about the nurse.

Hugs

[lozza]

I know what you mean all to well
when I was a client with the local CAT team they always seemed to have a go at me when I did sh and I didnt try contacting them first...
they always told me that I mustnt have really wanted to stop and get better cuz I never reached out for help from them before I made the cut
...it can be really hard trying to recover and at the same time not being able to reach out for support for what ever reason

anyway that prob makes no sense
but I do understand

thinking of you xx

[mi92186]

I know exactly what you mean... I've had a few people tell me that I must not wanna get better, because I continue to SI... One person actually said I am just doing it for attention!!! But I've brought blades with me inpatient before, sometimes on purpose sometimes not. When I brought them in on purpose, it was only because I was scared to go without them; I didn't know any other way to cope. It's not that I wanted to cut; it's that I had to cut. I really think people simply don't understand that. But I've had people tell me I am sabbatoging myself as well, saying that I actually like feeling depressed and anxious and whatnot. Like I don't ever wanna get better. That's just rediculous!!! I want so badly to be normal...
Just my piece.
God bless

[philosophy girl 91]

When I was in hospital I brought tools in, I didnt use them, or tell the nurses but I told someone else who was afraid I would use them and she told the nurses. They went kinda nuts, they were pretty angry.
They also told my parents who were angry.

A while after that I started SI'ing in the hospital. Whenever I did they told me I should have told them I wanted to. Whenever i did tell them they told me to go watch tv-or not think about it (yea I know, really helpful advice).

[Devil Girl]

I don't agree with how the nurses reacted. They should have explored A) why you didn't tell them, and B) why you felt the need to use them, then look into other things you could do in the future to prevent it.

I have had a bad experience in hospital cause I cut while in there. But the thing I remember now is - what if another patient got a hold of it? You know some are very paranoid and unwell and will attack other patients and staff (or themselves) from time to time....others very likely to harm themself's with suicidal intent.....

I think it is this that nurses look at - the risk that having something like a blade puts on all the community in the ward...

[alienshe_cheesycake]

I've hidden blades on myself when coming into hospital before, in fact I think I was probably well know for doing it. The attitude from some of the nurses was "stop playing games with us". They seemed to act like I cut for fun or for attention. They didn't seem to understand that I didn't feel like I had a choice in the matter, my blade is my safety net, hospitals are possibly the most stressful places in the world (to me) and the thought of going in without a blade terrifies me, I *need* it to function in there. Without one I usually end up doing something worse as a substitute (such as trying to hang myself).

However I guess you have to try and look at it from their point of view, if you manage to seriously hurt or kill yourself with a blade it's their job on the line, and I suppose the nurse just got frustrated with you because of that. But she should have handled her frustration in a better way and tried to be more understanding.

[The Hierophant]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Devil Girl

I have had a bad experience in hospital cause I cut while in there. But the thing I remember now is - what if another patient got a hold of it? You know some are very paranoid and unwell and will attack other patients and staff (or themselves) from time to time....others very likely to harm themself's with suicidal intent.....

I think it is this that nurses look at - the risk that having something like a blade puts on all the community in the ward...

I was going to sneak blades into hospital last year.
on my way there i realised just this & so chucked them before going onto the ward.

personally, i feel it's, disrespectful(?) irresponsible(?) i'm not sure which word would ever be right, but just wrong to take blades & the like into a psych ward because of the large risk it posed.


then again, i did break a ceramic mug on the ward once & then had a nurse patching my legs up, she asked if i ever wore a bikini on holiday, i then told her i hadn't been on holiday in years, she suggested it might help.
& i never got a ceramic mug again.
i did get cheesecake though.

[Sunshine]

i did the same kind fo thing when i was in hospiatl, i already had a blade hidden in a wash bag and i asked my parents to bring it in and then i hid in teh toilet and cut my wrist but was found because i was on obs and i got told off for not telling them but like you i was scared of telling them too because at the time i cut the nurses that were on had previously told me to pull myself together and just go to bed when i ahd been in tears and really upset! i think its awful that they said stuff like that to you, i know how it just doesnt help, i remember being told about the starving kids in africa in the hospital school and how we should all be lucky and i wanst eatting at the time and it just made me feel even more horrible and guilty which just didnt help! i think people who have never had mental health problems just dont realise the effect there words can have on someone especially when they are vunlnerable!

i thing self harm is self sabotaging sometimes but saying that to someone isnt going to help as it isnt alwyas consiosuly self sabotaging it is just a need to get relief and your feelings out!

*hugs* im sorry that happened to you
x