Triggering (Abuse) - Constant fighting.

seachell · 02-08-2010, 08:42 PM

I feel numb. My mind is blank. I don't know what to say or feel, I don't have a single person I could talk to. I have no one at all. I'm so lost and tired, I don't know what to do, I feel so tired.

My family fights constantly, I'm going to be 20 soon and that's 20 years of living with people who are forever angry and out of control. Lately it's been getting a lot worse.

During the most recent fights, my dad broke a bedroom door off its hinges in anger, my older sister broke a lamp, my little sister threw a porcelain mug across the living room to hit my older sister but it hit the wall and the mug broke to pieces and now there's a huge dent in the wall. My mom, in anger, broke her own laptop. My little sister got angry and she got a bunch of cleaning liquids and she sprayed and poured all of it all over the bathroom walls and mirror and floor.

Fights are getting more violent or something, I can't even tell, I don't even know if that could be described as "violent". Living with these people has warped my perception of what is serious and what is not. I'm the only pacifist in the house, I tell my family members to not throw things and not to hurt each other because hurting people is not right and they don't care, especially my little sister she even says that she doesn't care if she kills someone or injures our family dog with all the fighting and breaking objects and stuff that goes on.

I'm a complete pacifist compared to my family members, they're out of control with anger, many of the fights are about totally nonsense reasons. My back is sore because yesterday as they were throwing objects at each other across the room, I got hit by a heavy box and my older sister has been hurt before too, once her back was all red and bleeding because my little sister threw a big strong plastic thing at her and my dad instead of getting mad at my little sister, he got mad at my older sister for no reason and he hit her on the same bruised up area.

Every time a fight like this happens, it only lasts like 2 minutes....that's it. Within 5 minutes, everyone is completely calm as if NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, it's like all of them zone out and they all act like...nothing happened at all and all the house is left with is broken objects lying on the floor that me, the peaceful pacifist, has to pick up.

I usually just hide in my room but I couldn't do so yesterday because I'm horribly, deathly phobic of spiders and there was a spider in my room so I was forced to stay in the living room where everyone was fighting.

I'm so clueless.

I don't even know if what my family do has a name? I try to google things like "domestic violence" and stuff but all I ever see is stuff about violence between couples and stuff, I don't get it. I don't know. I don't know if it's an issue or not.

I'm so clueless.

I can't leave the house. It's not possible. I can't "go out for a walk while they fight" that is not possible for me, they constantly argue and the violent throwing crap part only lasts a few minutes and I don't know what the hell to do, it's NOT possible for me to just go OUT, it's not possible because then I would be OUT FOREVER..it's not possible for me to go out and ignore the fights because I'm extremely socially phobic and I CANNOT just walk out of the house like a normal person.

Sigh.

We have tried countless times to do family therapy and it never works, never. NEVER.

It never works no matter how many times we try therapy, counseling, all of that crap.

I don't have friend, I do not even KNOW anyone, I don't HAVE anyone at all, NOT EVEN A SINGLE PERSON! I don't have anyone, I can't just go out at someone's house to spend that day there, it's NOT possible!

The few times I have tried to seek help with a few people they always end up getting angry at me, they always get furious at me for being so "stupid" because I simply don't call the cops but I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WHAT HAPPENS IS SERIOUS ENOUGH TO NEED COPS!

I'M SO CONFUSED!

The pattern is this.......something stupid happens...let's say a very stupid reason like....someone went to the grocery store and forgot to buy bread....that simple thing...that SIMPLE THING..is enough to guarantee a loud and loooooong argument between my family members. My family members may argue for HOURS and there is SO MUCH TENSION, UNBELIEVEABLE EXCRUCIATING TENSION IN THE HOUSE...and then sometimes it escalates so badly that my family members will start grabbing random objects in the house and throwing them at each other no matter WHAT object, no matter HOW DANGEROUS THE OBJECT IS TO THROW, my little sister has even GOTTEN KNIVES and threatened to stab my mom all because my mom tried to give her motherly advice about taking care of herself when out with strangers.

My family is completely messed up in the head, I'm the only sane one, I'm the only pacifist.

I'm so tired, I'm so exhausted, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know anything! I'm completely CLUELESS, I feel completely helpless.

I simply do not understand what calling the cops would do? What is the point? Can anyone tell me what would happen if I called the cops on them? I don't think they will make any difference, how the hell can I possibly call the cops and say something as stupid like,"Hi, my family members are trying to kill each other because someone forgot to bring the bread from the groceries." how the hell can I call the cops because of something so stupid as that?

I don't get it. I am so confused.

Part of me is like.....those family fights are so stupid and childish.

But another part of me is like.....those family fights are excruciatingly toxic.

I don't know what to do. I feel completely helpless.

I don't even have a single person to turn to, to comfort me...I have no one.

I'm so lost and alone. So trapped. I can't leave the house. I am completely dependent on my family financially right now and it is simply not possible for me to escape the house, it is not possible for me to even go out to "take a walk and distract myself" because it is simply not possible with my social phobia and I don't have anyone and I'm very submissive sometimes and I've threatened my family that I would call the cops on them or that I would leave the house or something and they just get FURIOUS AT ME VERY VERY FURIOUS AT ME and they start yelling at me and there's another fight right there and I don't want any fighting, I don't want any conflict, I don't want any of this, I just want peace and quiet.

Again, I've only told a few people about this problem and they all get angry at me and start fighting with me because of how "stupid" I'm being that I simply don't just "leave" or something when they DON'T UNDERSTAND that it's NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO JUST LEAVE OR EVEN CALL THE COPS AT THIS MOMENT IN MY LIFE BECAUSE OF MY SOCIAL PHOBIA and because I don't even understand why calling the cops would HELP the situation?

How is calling the cops...help...in any way? Can anyone please tell me?

We've already tried family therapy countless times and it never works, my family members refuse to change.

I'm so lost, confused, trapped, I don't have anyone to help me or understand me. I feel completely helpless, I haven't felt this horrible in a long time, I feel too weak and suicidal and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know anything.

I am so used to living with angry people, all the people I know or met are all angry people, I keep thinking that if anyone replies to this post, they're going to be angry at me. Everyone is always angry. If anyone's going to reply, please don't be angry at me..it is the last thing I need.

I'm so lost. I'm so sad. I don't even know what I need. I'm so alone. I'm so lost. I don't know why I'm even alive, I don't know why I'm alive, I don't know why I bother, I don't know why I have to live every single moment of my life...completely...full..of tension..and anger...and...loneliness..and..I'm so tired. I don't know why I'm even alive, I still have to live with these people for the next 5+ years...I can't get a job...I can't sustain myself at this moment in life...I am forced to depend on them and..I can't leave..I have to live with these people..and I don't know why I have to bother, why can't I just kill myself and not have to deal with this anymore? I wish I was dead, for years and years and years I've tried to fix things, I've tried therapy countless times and...finding friends and...being positive and..many other things but...nothing ever works.

Sigh. I'm so confused and blank, I don't even know what trigger warning I'm supposed to be putting for this post? Is this post about abuse? Or violence? Or suicide? I don't even know. I'm too numb to make sense out of anything.

RemoteControl · 03-08-2010, 04:11 AM

tfirst of all, noone here is going to be angry at you for feeling the way you do, because you have done absolutely nothing wrong. it sounds like a very horrible and scary situation to be in and no wonder you feel tired and numb - because you are constantly on high alert waiting for something to happen.

do you think it would be possible for you alone to have therapy? i was just thinking that maybe if you cannot escape the situation, it would help to have someone to talk to and help find out ways for you to deal with the situation.

i know things are incredibly hard at the moment, but there is much more to your life than 5 years. you will have many many years ahead of you to enjoy, and when you can finally move out you wont have to put up with it anymore, because i can imagine just how draining it must be.

please try to look after yourself,
Mx

seachell · 04-08-2010, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Headrush

do you think it would be possible for you alone to have therapy?

Yeah I had one-on-one therapy before, I had a therapist and then a psychologist and 2 psychiatrists, nothing worked. They just kept telling me that my family would never change and that I can't change them if they don't want to change. So that was it, they won't ever change but I'm still stuck living with them and I'm still stuck failing to cope with them.

RemoteControl · 05-08-2010, 10:52 AM

maybe rather than trying to change your family, you could see someone who could help you cope with living with your family. you cant change the situation unfortunately, so somehow (and i really dont mean for this to come out in a horrible way at all) you're going to have to learn how to cope with and live in the situation that you're in without tearing your hair out and feeling the way that you do.

seachell · 05-08-2010, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Headrush

maybe rather than trying to change your family, you could see someone who could help you cope with living with your family.

Like I said already, I've already gone through therapy trying to learn how to cope and nothing worked, they couldn't help, how am I supposed to cope? Can you tell me ideas on how to cope? Can you tell me HOW to cope? I've already seen a therapist, psychologist and psychiatrists to learn HOW to cope but they didn't care about me at all, they just shoved pills at me and told me over and over that my family couldn't change and they would criticize me about my ways of coping with self harm but they never helped me on how to cope healthily, how am I supposed to cope? I have no one, I have no friends, I have gone through therapy and they didn't help, how am I supposed to cope? I'm honestly clueless! I have no idea!

I'm not trying to change my family, I know FULL WELL that they WILL NEVER CHANGE, I know full well that I need to cope because there is no way for me to escape the situation and I KNOW that I need to cope but HOW? HOW do I cope? That is my question because I don't know! Ugh.

CrazyAboutMonkeys · 17-09-2010, 08:25 PM

Do you have other family members like your aunts or cousins? if they could help you to get out of the house because you might be very scared and numb feeling..

They can't change of themselves but nothing works for you sorry sweetie, someday, they will change if you will see them so there is no fighting I hope..

That is too much for you to handle everything in your house..

*hugs*

Try to look after yourself first..