can i ask why do you re-read your old diaries if they hurt you so much? if it was me, i would have thrown them away long ago...
the older i get, the more i think that life is too short to dwell on the past
sb, I regret having thrown out so many things. But at least I kept my diaries. It's important to me to understand who I am - and make connections between the past and present. It helps me become more whole. I can face more of my past now. It's uncomfortable and painful and sad, but it was real, and is a thread from then until now.
I too have kept diaries from a young age. They're so important in understanding. However, I feel that diaries often only reflect the "bad" feelings, and not the happier memories, so I'm not sure they're 100% reliable in building a full picture.
I write this alone on my bed; I've poisoned every room in the house; The place is quiet and so alone; Pretend there's something worth waiting for; There's nothing nice in my head The adult world took it all away; Wake up with same spit in my mouth; Cannot tell if it is real or not; I try and walk in a straight line An imitation of dignity- MSP - From despair to Where
I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does - The Smiths How Soon is Now
Dear Katie i am sending you hugs and love which you absolutely deserve. I hope that alongside what you are struggling with you are able to let in some of the warmth that people are sending you.
It seems I am 'integrating' the child state part of my personality, or at the very least accepting where she came from and why she is the way she is. She's been... uncovered. Her veil is lifted.
And it feels so lonely now.
I think theres good and bad in reading old diaries.
Its important to understand you have moved on and that you arent the same person you were back then. I hope you will take some strength form this in the months to come. Its bound to be painful at first but i thin it will ease.
Im looking forward to a time when you can refer to your states and emotions as you and not 3rd party. I thnk when that day comes you really will start to feel whole. It may not feel comfortable but it will lessen the separation. I truely believe it will make you begin to heal too.
hugs and lady bugs
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
