foolish

CagedBird · 30-07-2010, 11:58 PM

Ever met people you used to know in school and realised how stuck your life is?

It has been such a long time since being in school....and so much has happened both good and bad.....that's life yeh?

But....with the way i am now....seeing their happiness, seeing their marriages and children and the fullness of their lives i feel.......*PAIN*

I am not envious...they deserve it all....in some cases i know how hard they have fought for it.......but.....it is hard knowing i need to fight this before my life is able to move forward...

I can't form friendships let alone relationships without feeling so dirty. I stay away from everyone. I can be really shallow......i can pretend....but i'm really very scared of being friends....and....trusting.

It is really hard being at the point where I should be finding myself and the person who may love me....maybe.....and hating every single part of that. (i want to cut myself purely for admitting i maybe lovable....because i'm disgusting............).

When i was younger i pretended, i could pretend that i didn't need anyone, that everyone was too young for me, that i was too cynical...that it was beyond my contempt...etc etc.....Seriously being younger was such a massive, massive excuse for me......

I'm not able to do any of the stuff people talk about (on here and irl) but that doesn't mean that i'm not very lonely. I don't get to know anyone but that is my fault because i don't want them to get close to me because i feel so disgustingly dirty and feel at screaming at them to stay away.

I feel you all hate me for being so pathetic for writing this so i'm going to post this on faith alone that someone will respond out of good faith alone

because i realise i'm a fool. pathetic. fool.

Sigma · 31-07-2010, 08:41 PM

I don't hate you or think you're pathetic... a lot of what you've written I could have written about myself (except you've been a lot more articulate than I could be).

Margo · 01-08-2010, 11:10 AM

Firstly i find it hard each time i see friends. They all "seem" to have perfect lives. Lovely houses and clothes and families. Nice cars, posh holidays, posh food and all the trimmings. Sometimes when i think of them i cant see them at all but all i see is a huge FAILURE sign above my head. Its like all they represent is my failure and nothing more. Its stopped me contacting and allowing myself to be contacted on many occasions. Its a selfish attitude but its one that a depressed mind feeds off.

But then there are times when i just "go and see them" and its all nice and familiar and comforting. It doesnt stop hurting and i have to fight to not get all sorry for myself but it does help me a little. I am then reminded whilst in the melee of all the madness of their seemingly perfect lives that they are flawed too. They have their own troubles and insecurities. Sometimes i sit and am glad im not like them which is almost a contradiction but perhaps a fuller and more real assessment of the whole situation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its hard when you hate yourself. Its hard when those around you tell you that you are likeable and loveable and it makes you feel sick. They dont understand. Its hard when you know the things to take away the loneliness seem so simple and yet they are sabotaged at the inception by an ever hating mind.

Our minds are so complex its hard to comprehend at times the knots and tanlges it can leave us with. I guess after a while all we see is a tangled mess. However over time and with help we can learn to untangle it and get to the bottom of what it is that makes us so loathing of ourselves. In many cases it is not as simple as we make out. It is rearely one act that we so often cling to as being the reason for all this hatred. It is rarely so black and white.

I think sometimes that we can be so sure in our minds that it was event X that made us this way and if we could just sort it everything would be ok. I think sometimes we can end up hating ourselves more for not being able to deal with it. However event X is often not the true cause of our pain. Event X is often just the straw that broke the camels back. Event X can be the culmination of many years of self doubt and pain. A goal that subconciously we have sought out as a result of a path we have put ourselves onto via a string of seemingly non consequential events.

I guess what i am saying (and rather self indulgently) is that this takes time. It can take a long time too. You would be amazed what we can forget in order to protect ourselves.

When i find the key to liking myself ill let you know. When i get to the bottom of "why" ill let you know that too.

For now try and accept that your thoughts are a learned pattern. They are a pattern you follow because you have not yet learned how to see differently and have not been given a hand to show you a different way.

It will come with time.

No one hates you for being needy and in pain.

Matthew xxx

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 11:22 AM

I don't hate you. At all.

I do feel an empty, angry ache in my chest when I hear about ex school friends' marriages and children. I don't see them though, as school was many years ago now, and I live a ways away. [Partly on purpose.]

I understand loneliness, I really do.

Sefka · 01-08-2010, 05:23 PM

I don't think you're pathetic at all - everything you say rings painfully true. I've deliberately avoided both my school reunions for the exact same reason - that horrible choking feeling of failure when I look at my ex school friends' lives.
But remember, all that we see of their lives is the tiny part they let us see. As Ninjapenguin said, they have their own insecurities and problems. Not that that helps much with your own feelings, but I hope you can stop being so hard on yourself.
Hugs,
S
x

xXMessedUpXx · 01-08-2010, 07:09 PM

I can really relate hun.

I see all these people i was at school with. with amazing careers, marraiges and children.

i on the other hand am on benefits because i'm unable to work cos of my mental illnesses. I'm in no position for marraige or kids. And i feel like my life is out of control.

I dread bumping into people i know as i feel like a failure compared to them. i really hate seeing the people who bullied me on FB, and seeing their perfect lives. Part of the reason i am the way i am is because of THEM and what THEY did to ME.

So no you're not pathetic, and you're not on your own in feeling this way hun.

Imperfect.Star · 01-08-2010, 08:01 PM

Like everyone else I can relate.

People I went to school with are just starting to get engaged/married and more and more of them seem to be in serious relationships. I'm finding it SO hard to deal with at the moment.

People are also settling into the working world with serious jobs and whilst I knew I would be training for a long time I'm a further year behind after having to take a year out. People I know have just qualified/will be qualifying next year as doctors whilst I'm 2 years away because of SH :(

It's really horrible and whilst I'd like to think that really life shouldn't be about comparisons with other people, it can hurt a lot. It makes me so scared that I'm behind on where I should be in life and that I'm not going to achieve what I really want.

Sorry, selfish ramblings but yeah...I understand
xxxx

Doikers · 01-08-2010, 08:29 PM

I don't think you are are a fool or pathetic , I totally relate to what you have said , it could have been me writing it hmmm

CagedBird · 03-08-2010, 06:48 PM

Thanks to everyone for relating, it means a lot to me.

You're all right, noone's life is ever perfect although at a glimpse it may appear that way! I think the hardest part, for me, is not their happiness as such but having the ability to be able to relate to people who are just living life....i find myself lying constantly to appear more together than i am and sometimes simply so i have something to say!

NinjaPenguin, thanks for your post. You're right it is really hard being around people because i feel so disgusting and sick inside after being with them. I know my family walk a tightrope with me and I'm ashamed of this.

I'm trying hard in therapy to figure out where this hatred has come from...there never has been any Event X in my life! Tbh I'm not even sure it even matters where this hatred has stemmed from as long as it goes away! I'm prepared to put in the hard work in therapy but sometimes I watch life pass me by and I'm full of regrets.

It makes me so sad that the very thing I crave I absolutely detest!

Thanks everyone.