Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Why is it not enough?

[x_fallingfast_x]

hey i really need some support and help.

people will say that im very lucky with what i have and yet i m not happy and feel like i never will be. im currently studying to be an OT i start my 2nd placement in september. this next placement is in mental health, and i have no experience or insight into this setting and yet i feel like im not far off being a patient within this setting. as ive sed in my journal i dont feel like i have the right to feel the way i do.... but im right on the edge of doing something really stupid and it may sacrifise my position on my course. i so want to die but i dont want to fail at this course. but i cant have both. i am this close to ending things. but then i think do i have enough, will it actually end it all? i doubt my abilities to do this and yet it is all i can think about.
how can i work in a mental health inpatient environment when i understand and empathise and wish to be close to their situation. i want the strength to end it all- but this will probably lead to me being kicked off the course.
i just dont know what to do anymore... i cant have both things.... and SH ing is getting worse which isnt helped by the short sleeved uniform.!
someone please tell me what to do- i dont trust my judgement anymore!

sorry for the rant! xx

[((deleted))]

Hi hun, I'm sorry things are so tough for you at the moment.

I've been in the same situation where i think i should be happy with what i have and feel lucky that i have it but i don't.

My first bit of advice would be to try and break this mindset - think if there is anything in your current situation that makes you unhappy and try to work through it if so. If not, then look to see if there's anything missing that you can put in place to make you feel better.

Can i ask if you've seen your dr about this? If not can i suggest that you make an appt to talk it through with him/her? It sounds as if you're depressed at the moment (i know you're probably thinking understatement of the century lol) and it may be that they could prescribe some medication that would help take the edge off the despair you seem to be experiencing at the moment.

Do you have a mentor on your course that you may be able to talk to as well? I know you're afraid of being kicked off your course but it may get you more support so that you are better able to complete this course.

I would say that suicide definitely isn't the answer. Aside from the standard "suicide is never the answer" it is obvious from your question, and your own indecision about it, that while you are undoubtedly in pain and want that pain to end that you don't truely want to die sweetheart.

Hold onto the good things in your life and remind yourself of what you're living for.

Take care and be safe,

Ruth
x

[teenytineytori]

Hey,

You have a unique insight into what the patients are going through. There are constantly posts about how health care professionals even MH workers are insensitive and hostile to those in their care. Your ability to know what it is like is an asset to those you will be working with. I know the workers I liked the best were once that I could tell empathized with me or told me they had been through it before.

I know things are very stressful right now. But It will get better. You have gotten through so much to get to this point of attaining your goal. You are strong enough to get through this as well.

Do you currently have a professional that you speak to? Maybe if you do you could talk some things out with them. If not it may be time to seek out some professional help. I know that counseling and medication helped me through some times that I would not otherwise have been able to handle.

Get yourself some support, you deserve it.

Find something good to focus on everyday. Maybe make a list.

Take care

[x_fallingfast_x]

Thanks for your support- much appreciated

Yes I currently see my GP regularly, currently on 2 types of AD and see a counsellor, its been this way for over 2 years now and nothing is really changing- I just seem to stumble through with everything- stumbling is not good enough for me.
I keep researching about 'MH services users as MH professionals' and there seems to be mixed views! I do hope that my experiences do help me empathise with patients and make me a better health care professional- but then on the other hand if I cant look after myself - how can I be responsible for others? I'm 2 years off finishing my training so I keep telling myself that things will change, but its like I'm waiting for something that may never happen.
I had to quit my job as a carer because I couldn't handle the emotional stress that I had with the residents and staff there! - which then led me to SHing even more than usual! I fear that I will never hold a job!
I'm sorry I've ranted again- thank you for reading, just knowing people are there, really helps.