I'm 25 and I'm a newly wed (since Feb). I love my husband more than anything. But I still struggle with depression, in fact he also struggles with depression and though he and I work together and help each other through it--he has never struggled with cutting or self-harm, and he doesn't exactly know what I'm going through in that way. Anyway, I was just wondering how married couples/people on here talk to their spouses or etc about this. I mean he tries to comfort me and just be there for me if he realizes I've cracked and hurt myself & etc. He's great...but I'd love to hear advice or have someone to talk to with other couples and people that can relate, especially since we're new at this.
Any advice or anything you can offer would be much appreciated. Hopefully this all makes sense, I'm sleepy so it's probably all muffled and squished together. ;)
Have a good day! :)
"Once you label me you negate me" -Soren Kierkegaard
I'm actually dying for some answers to this myself. I'm not married, but living with my boyfriend who I've been with for about 15 months now (although I've known him as a friend since I was 5).
I don't know how to communicate it all to him!
He's not depressed at all, and while he tries to support me and understand me, he gets frustrated that he just can't contemplate how someone can feel "down" without having a tangible reason (something a bit concrete like "i just lost my job" or "my cat died").
I'd love to be able to explain how it is to just feel horrible and a complete mess for no good reason other than "i just do". But I can't, because 1. I don't know how to put it into words and 2. i'm not very good at being open about feelings like this so find it hard to actually get the words out.
The plus side is, I guess, that it keeps me from SI because I know he'll notice it (he always has so far), and if he notices it I'll get asked loads of questions about why and when and how.. .. so to avoid the questioning, and to avoid upsetting him, I just don't do it (well, very rarely now)
I sometimes listen to myself when I'm down and think "christ, I don't know how he puts up with this, I'd be fed up of living with someone this miserable"!
So.. you're not alone! But yea... interested to see any responses on how to deal with the relationship side of things so we can try and make things easier..
I think I'm asking the same thing as in your original post? Hehe :)
Last edited by moke : 26-07-2010 at 02:24 PM.
Reason: wanted to put a trigger warning on, as I realise this is in general forum, not the support one
There are many who are married and in long term relationships here.
I think many people feel (and quite rightly i guess) that when you get married or enter a long term relationship that your partner shhould understand everything. Its natural. You are soul buddies after all. However there are somethings that others will NEVER understand unless they do it themselves. SH i believe is one of them.
I think the most you can hope for is an accepting but not a full understanding.
Also ladies dont forget that men have an in built "i can fix you" thing going on. The ego can get bruised when we realise we cant. I SH ofc, but i get upset when i cat fix my friends.
Stay honest and open. Accept that they will never "get it" fully even if they read every book ever written on the subject. So my advice is aim for acceptance and any understanding that comes along is a bonus.
I guess thats why we have sites like this, because only us loons can really and truely empathise :P
Matthew
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I think you've probably got a very good point there, Ninjapenguin. I guess I don't particularly understand "other" mental illnesses, so why should they understand ours?
I just wish there was a way of getting it across a bit better than:
"you ok honey?"
"not really. feeling on a real downer today."
"oh no, why's that?"
"don't know, just do."
I'm contemplating finding some sort of book as a guide to people dealing with loved ones with mental illnesses but not sure if it's not a bit.. patronising...
Over the past 5 years ive spent much time trying to explain to family and friends. Its not easy. In my experience the best methods i found were to use analogies and metahpors they they could understand and relate to. I try to liken feelings to those experienced on a more day-to-day basis.
For example i often refer to my anxiety as feeling the same as that horrid feeling you get before a job interview. Mine just comes for no reason and can last all day. People can seem to relate to that as most have been in that situation.
The other thing ive done is show my family the Stephen Fry Bi-Polar documentary. Infact i recommend it to pretty much anyone and everyone i see. I feel its one of the best if not the best MH doc ive ever seen. It can change peoples perceptions when they see famous and successful role models suffering. For some reason it can make it more real and accepting. I dont have Bi-polar but when Fry talks about the depressive side of things its pretty much word for word how i feel. Perhaps you may not feel all the same things but id wager there would be parts you could relate to and excitedly point at the TV and go "there!! that thing he said there!! thats HOW I FEEL".
I also understand how utterly exhausting it is trying to seek acceptance and understanding. Its sole destroying when the people or person you want more than anything in the world just doensnt understand. the feeling of rejectin is often hard to objectify.
Its not easy and i feel for you. Its the worst thing when you are stood there and the other person is virtually pleading with you to "just stop" ir "why cant you just do" or "cant you just this". The word "just" crops up a lot in my experience.
The more you can perhaps expose him to others inthe same boat the easier it will be for him to accept. well thats the theory anyways.
good luck x
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Thank you guys for your responses. :) It's really helpful to have people who understand and can relate. I completely agree, having the support of someone you love is important and can be utterly hard to explain. I'll keep your words of advice in mind. If you guys need anyone to talk to, I'd love to keep talking. Feel free to PM or etc. Enjoy your day. & thank you to Moke & Ninjapenguin for the on-going advice--it is so appreciated so much.
"Once you label me you negate me" -Soren Kierkegaard
hi I am newly wed too (since April) but its my second marriage.
my first was abusive. anyhow my current husband is absolutely wonderful.i couldnt wish for a more compassionate understanding man. I get scared telling him new things that happen with me.. like when Sadie began SHing or even when SAdie just made herself known.
its never easy to discuss even tho i know i wont be judged.
however, my husband suffers from chronic depression so he is more open minded about mental illnesses and disorders i think. we do struggle horribly money wise as he is out of work more than he works..he ends up losing jobs every yr about the same time of yr. but i know it is his depression doing it. however i am having trouble working myself know and hoping he will try harder to find something. anyhow sorry ..i got off topic.. as i said its never easy to discuss..even with your own loving husband.. but well ,like for me, I refuse to ever ever keep secrets of any kind from my husband, lies and secrets were parts of the problems in my first marriage.
If he truly loves you..he will love ALL of you.. no matter what the problem and he will help you thru it.
Goodluck Hiding * been a very difficult day for me- hope i made sense*
Agree, Hiding :) True love will surpass all of the "crappy bits", no matter what. I think being as open as you can is the best course of action <3 If they can't at least accept it (understanding can be too much to expect), then I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Ninjapenguin - I agree so much on the Stephen Fry documentary - I'm depressive, rather than bipolar, but I found his descriptions of his depressive episodes fantastic - like you, I was practically bouncing up and down in my seat going "Yes! That's exactly it!". He's a great man, and almost universally liked, so it's really refreshing and works wonders for mental health understanding for someone like him to stand up and be so open about it all.
Almost_hopeful - no problems. I don't feel like I've been much help as I'm just as lost in it as you are :D But yea, it's nice to not feel alone :) Right back at you - if you ever want a chat or anything, feel free to PM me :)
