...is this stigma, or what? All I know is, it hurts.
Maybe the fact that what was just now said to me by a random stranger makes me want to cry proves him right?
I was walking along, and coming the other way was this man and his toddler son. Toddler was wandering over the path, at a distance from his father. Not feeling comfortable or safe in to walk right inbetween them, I waited for them to pass, feeling rather peeved that the man was letting his son wander all over the place on a busy street - it's also probably not a safe thing either. I didn't say anything.
As he passed, the man hurled this at me "Nutter!"
That was really ignorant of the man to say, I can understand how it has left you feeling vulnerable.Is there something you can do to make you feel a bit safer?
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
that was absolutly rude of that man. I stop to let people pass. I think the guy had some serious issues and you have every right to feel upset. What he said was uncalled for.
*cuddles* I'm sorry this has upset you so much. No one is laughing at you, it is perfectly valid for you to feel hurt by someones unfair comments.
Might he have been referring to his son...in jest? you know, as he was wandering all over the place?
I could be wrong but you never know. I've caught the wrong end of a onversation once and thought someone had made a derogatory comment towards me...later they explained. It still hurt, but it was a slight relief to know that it wasn't directed at me.
Anyways - I know it's easier said than done but please don't let the "opinion" of a stranger matter to you. Anyone capable of being so judgemental is probably a complete a-hole. You know who you are, as do your friends and family xxxx
I'm relieved to be home. It felt too raw to be out. And then getting verbal abuse on top. It's pretty certain it was aimed at me. Sadly. Thing is, this time round I wasn't behaving oddly, which is why it hurts. Or maybe it's abnormal to be a bit peeved about a parent not keeping a closer eye on his young son and letting him get in the way of other people? I admit I'm hormonal, with a touch of PMDD or whatever. But. What gives some random stranger the right to verbally abuse an innocent woman, who just happens to be a bit emotionally vulnerable?
Sometimes I feel like telling people like that that I pity anyone in their family who ever becomes vulnerable. That do they know that 1 in 4 people are affected by some kind of emotional vulnerability aka mental illness in their life time.
But was I even behaving like a mentally ill person anyway?
nothing gives a stranger or anyone the right to be verbally abusive.
I certainly did not even consider anything wrong with stopping walking to let people pass. To me that is just normal. I find people have and will just walk into me if I didn't stop or get out of the way. That guy was way off base and I can't even imagine what could have triggered that guy to say what he did. He was just being a jerk.
Last edited by CheyKizoxie : 25-07-2010 at 04:19 PM.
Reason: had to add a word and more thoughts.
I had another thought. Perhaps people like this man were just not used to people being polite and curtious. I know when my friend will open the door or say something friendly to someone who seems stressed, she has gotten rude comments. She still continues to 'pay it forward' by showing kindness and respect. It seems sad that society is forgetting to be polite and what being respectful is.
I just want to repeat again, you did nothing wrong. In fact you showed respect and I wish people would be more respectful.
I know many people in my community who shake slightly when they walk and will stutter to themselves. I still smile and say hello when I see this one lady. I see her often. Sometimes she doesn't respond but once in a while she has looked up and her shaking did slow a bit and she looked up and smiled before she continued on her way. I have no idea if she had a mental issue or if it was a medical condition that would cause involuntary shaking. I am not going to judge. I am going to be friendly and respectful. To me thats the only way, to not be respectful seems wrong.
In part it was consideration, but also selfish "I don't want the kid to run into me, and I don't feel safe walking between this big burly man and his kid."
I suppose he looked at me and saw the fear in my eyes. The vulnerability.
Sometimes I feel that I have no right to be in the world, so many random strangers either treat me as invisible or ridicule my vulnerability.
Nobody can tell by looking at a person they are mentally ill, maybe that man is or has an illness like tourette syndrome and he shouts out random things? I too would feel the way you do. I know how easy to think it was aimed at you, but it might not have been. Sorry if my reply sucks and I hope you're feeling okay from it.
Oh what a tosser. If someone said that to me i probably would have called them an asshole :P I hate irresponsible people with children! You're on a sidewalk, you hold onto your child! I HATE people!!!!! Grrrr.
Anyways, you did the action that was right for you, don't worry about some stupid jackass! *cuddles* You are Stronger than you think honey!!!!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
When vulnerable and hyper sensitive its easy to pick up on things like this and dwell and torture yourself. Ive done it many times.
The guy is obviously a total ****. Hes not worth it. Things like he said are throw away comments. Im not excusing him at all, but id guaranteee if you asked him he probably wouldnt have a clue he even said it.
Theres also the possibility he said it to his son.
Over the past 7-8 months i think ive seen you more vulnerable and separated than in all the time ive seen you write here. Youve mentioned breakthrus and greater understandings in your prgress and i am only assuming this has left you feeling rather exposed the past few months.
I could be wildly off but i wonder if you are actually getting in touch with feelings that perhaps in the past you have covered up withthe use of Medical terms and compartmentalised names? Decontructing experiences is all well and good when diagnosing but detremental when actually trying to get in touch with feelings. The problem with deconstruction is that after a while it has no real meaning and moreso has no feeling. Although a greater understanding of the human psyche from a text book perspective can be increased, the understanding of feelings and emotion can decrease.
Perhaps also you are becomming less separated than you actually think? Infact perhaps its a reversal. Separation can protect us from real pain, in the same way decontruction and over analysis can. However you seem to be feeling "real pain" of late. Almost true emotion and to me this could be a sign of a new wholeness rahter than a further separation.
The alter egos are infact all you. I think some of the struggle has been the lessening percieved divide rather than it actually widening. Theres is still comfort in the divide. Its easier to understand and accept maybe.
Do something nice this week. No matter how small. Pick a daisy or buy some fruit pastilles or just something silly and comforting. dont sit and then say you are comforting Katie or X or Y or Z. Dont sit and reason. Just do! Say "**** It" and dont apologise.
Let the resoning get no deeper than "it was, because it is" or "i did because i can".
If you feel **** just dont question why. Just feel it. when you analyse you stop feeling and when you stop feeling you cant learn from it. you can just theorise and emotions are not something to be theorised. They are there to be felt.
Go Raawr like a tiger :P
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
It sounds like you behaved perfectly normally and reasonably, to me. The "nutter" was probably just an ill-thought comment that bore no meaning in the actual context to him; it was just a random insult that would mean nothing if said to someone else, but as it was said to someone who does have some mental health issues, it took on meaning in your eyes.
He acted like an arse, it's not a reflection on you, just on his poor manners and lack of consideration for others.
Matthew, I'll read your wise words through again and respond when I'm more awake and can think clearer. You're very wise, and I want to respect fully what you've said.
I also want to say more about what's emerged about this. I need time to ponder.
I am definitely treating myself - I have the day off work already tomorrow, and have Shopping Plans! [not expensive shopping plans...]
wth? why did he say that to you? that is crap. i think you were being considerate considering he was letting his son run all over the place. try to not let it bother you..he is freaking idiot Katie.
you are just fiine.. you did nothing wrong.. GRR i hate stupid ass people like that guy tho.
Matthew, I am indeed connecting with my real feelings. There are still some gaps in connecting with feelings and reactions in me, like here. So, yes, unconscious stuff provokes people to attack me, because they feel I've attacked them in some way. But in actual fact I haven't, not really - except insofar as it might come across like that through an unconscious process. An unconscious process rooted in a lot of painful feeling that it takes courage to work through.
I am coming closer to myself. It's not always 'pretty', far from it. But then the past wasn't pretty either.
I'll respond in more detail hopefully tomorrow.
Last edited by Stellata : 27-07-2010 at 07:28 PM.
Reason: Accommodating post deletion.
Thing is, by my standing back and not walking between them I was, in part at least, respecting a father's need to protect his son from random strangers getting between them. [Even if said father was gazing off into the distance and not keeping much of an eye on his son.] Respecting a family's space, as it were. I DO have skewy boundaries, I know that, and I do misjudge what and what isn't appropriate boundary to leave or intrude upon. I am working with this. But it's not an overnight fix, or something I can control 24/7!
But when things aren't said, and when person standing aside looks a bit fraught [as they do when they're aware of a whole mass of emotionally toned unconscious material flooding in that they haven't at that point made full sense of] things get misunderstood. I was already struggling with myself and feeling overwhelmed and crowded in and way too self conscious for comfort. On days when I'm feeling like that I should probably stay at home, but there was a reason I went out, which is part of why I was so outside of myself, as it were. I'm talking about this in therapy. It's being taken care of.
I'm not sure whether "What's wrong with you?" would have felt a more 'appropriate' retort from him that "nutter!" .... if that makes sense? I get the former, regularly at times, when I'm trapped in the darker stuff in my head. I wish I didn't get trapped in the dark stuff, but I do, like many of us do at times, and I am working through it.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Archiving so posts below make sense. Posts in relation to this have been deleted by mods. Sorry for any confusion.
I'm not replying to this further, and I ask that you leave me alone now. I ask you not to reply to my threads any more. You seem to have a preconceived opinion of me, an agenda that you are pursuing aggressively and obsessively.
This may seem aggressive. But I really have had enough, and it's time I set some boundaries here. My therapist is doing an excellent job with me, and it's her job, not yours, to analyse my feelings and behaviour.
Thank you.
