Triggering (SI/Suicide) - failure

-Stewie- · 25-07-2010, 02:36 AM

I cut again.

I haven't done it since... December 2008 *as far as I remember*.

I just can't shut up. I know there are things I shouldn't talk about, yet I talk about them anyway. There are questions to which I don't want to know the answer, so why do I ask them? There is stuff I don't want to know, so why do I go looking into it? There are thoughts I don't want so why can't I block them out?

The only way it will stop is if I stop. Meaning my life. But I don't want to die. I want this to stop, not every aspect of my life. I thought cutting would make it stop. But it didn't. Maybe I didn't do it enough. Maybe I need to just keep cutting until everything just shuts the **** up.

It worked a few years ago. It left me in a state of total numbness where I had nothing because I made all my thoughts and emotions go away. But that is preferable to this.

And to top it all off, I'm a ****ing coward. I am back at my parents home (rather than uni home) for 3 weeks, meaning I have 3 weeks without seeing my bf. He is the only person who is going to notice if I've cut again. I don't cut because I don't want to hurt him. But I'm here for 3 weeks; it's cowardly because I can cut all I want for the first few days and as long as I'm careful it will have all scarred over before I see him again and blend in with the old ones.

I'm exhausted so going to sleep. I just posted now because I needed to get this out of my system so I don't cut again, at least for tonight.

crazykat · 25-07-2010, 02:57 AM

Your not a failure, you have done really well to make it this far. Don't let this one slip up hold you back. Keep fighting you can get past this. You deserve it to yourself to try not to cut again, because you are worth it. Hold on there hun

-Stewie- · 28-07-2010, 03:04 AM

It's more than a slip up. It's a full on cracking.

I'm planning methods of doing it without bf noticing.
I can't discuss them here I don't think it's allowed. But I have gone into so much depth. I'm one sneaky **** =/

I don't even want help. I dont know what possessed me to post this. I'm quite happy being ****ed up, I should have realised that before I allowed anyone else to care about me enough to try and fix me.