back when things were different/or not *update

Stellata · 22-07-2010, 07:55 PM

... being depressed and being a young adult.... times, they don't change. Stereotypes may change. But the bottom line, it never changes. Not really. Back in the late 80s there was no such thing as Goth or Emo. Well, vaguely Goth perhaps, but it looked different. I wasn't in any of those subtypes. I was just living with the fallout of years of chronic abuse and emotional neglect, on top of early trauma.

Still, written in capital letters above one of my diary entries in my late teens is

"I HATE MYSELF."

Sad it's taken me so many years to really start to be able to address the roots of that compassionately and with awareness.
But I am now on the right path.

It's sad that so many young people grow up to hate themselves because they themselves were hated.

whirlpools · 22-07-2010, 11:06 PM

And they were maybe hated because the people doing the hating were misdirecting their own hateful feelings? I don't know. You were the innocent victim of cruel abuse from many who saw you as an easy target and used this to cover their own insecurities. You, as a person, are not hate-able. At all. I know this sounds like a cliche, but it was their problem, that they made into yours.

You have been made to live with the fall-out. You deserve care, and gentleness.

Stellata · 23-07-2010, 07:16 AM

Thanks Laura. :)

Yes, I understand the dynamics. Working through it, steadily and with care. All the internalisations, everything.

pea soup · 24-07-2010, 06:29 PM

*gentle hugs*

Stellata · 01-08-2010, 02:35 PM

Thank you. :)

Actually I was 20. And the actual situation I described elsewhere several years ago when reading my old diaries - ..across the top of one page on a particularly difficult teaching practice, where my tutor had expressed concern, told me that I had some defects in my personality, and that I didn't get on with people, I have written I HATE MYSELF. I was 20, and I hated myself then. So vehemently, so clearly, so agonisingly.
It makes me feel so sad. And angry.
Why didn't they consider referring me for treatment, suggest I spoke to someone?
Why not? Because the counselling service was the college chaplain, who had the empathy of a ... I don't know. But he said that because he could handle sharing a room with anyone, meant that I should be able to, too. :|
And because in 1990 there wasn't the openess about mental health needs as there is now.
I guess.
Either that or they didn't care about ME, just they're college reputation.